Editor’s note:If you have a question you would like answered and explored in this forum, please email Jan at Drjanseward [at] gmail.com. Letters may be edited for length and clarity. Don’t be shy — we’re enjoying what our readers come up with! — amanda
Dear Jan,
I have been happily married for 24 years to a wonderful loving man. I know I have issues because of my dysfunctional family so maybe you can help me.
Despite my love for him, I often wish I could have another man in my life; one who has the same libido as I do and one who is more open about his affection with me. My husband is really wonderful but he doesn’t examine his feelings much or talk about them much and I miss having someone to talk to about that. I can tell him my feelings but he doesn’t seem to know his feelings so he cannot tell me his.
I also miss having a man desire me as much as I desire him. My husband has desire but he doesn’t show it much and he cannot keep up with me. He acts younger than his age (is open minded and has energy) but he is almost 59 and I am 51 and going through the change. Why do I seem to need more attention and/or sex than he can give? I have lost weight and improved my self a lot this last year but I seem to feel needy and wanting attention that he seems unable to give me. I have wished I could find someone who could complement those parts of me that he can’t, but at my age I still feel unattractive and don’t know if I really want to mess up what I have already.
Is this normal to feel so mixed up, needy, sexual and all that, and what should I do about all these feelings? Is this just my personal dysfunction / self-esteem issue again? I have been to therapy many times but I seem to always end up with a man who has less libido than I, as though I am trading a loving nature for a great sex life.
Please sign me ‘anonymous’.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your question, or, rather, questions, because you’ve asked many. To answer, I’m going to use a way of looking at an issue that’s based on “The Work” of Byron Katie, which is based on the work of cognitive psychologist Albert Ellis, who was the original challenger of conscious and unconscious assumptions.