Hello Jan,
In your introductory article on Planet Waves you say you will offer insights into our questions of why we behave the way we behave, in spite of ‘knowing better’.
In the last few years I found a lot of answers to the question ‘why?’, but I am still really helpless when it comes to the question ‘how to change?’.
When I tried to change with my sheer will, I found out far too often, that things turned out even worse. So I decided to just go with the flow, go with where ever the energy will take me — and just watch, and feel. And I thought “maybe change will come around the corner” — just because of increased consciousness.
Now I am watching, and feeling, and watching and feeling… but it looks like I am still running in circles.
For example, I am watching how I am over and over drawn to the same kind of men. These father-like men I really don’t want to be with, but they are the only kind of men with whom I can feel the energy to connect with. Then there are these other men, who would fit far more as partners — as I think — but I can’t feel a thing.
So now my question is, do you have any insights on how to change — smoothly — not only in thinking but in feeling?
Thank you in advance,
Stefanie
Dear Stefanie,
Thank you for your wonderful question, and for your courage in expressing your struggle so honestly. Every fall, when I begin teaching a new group of graduate students, I start with this joke: Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change. (Insert laugh of recognition here.)
But the truth is, even when we really, really, really want to change, we can still find our selves repeating self-defeating patterns over and over again. And as you so accurately point out, even having insight into our pattern, seeing it clearly and connecting the dots, isn’t enough to make change possible. So, if motivation and awareness/insight aren’t enough, how do we change?