Editor’s Note: With the Full Moon amping up relationship energy and planets clustered in passionate Scorpio and Leo, it seems like perfect timing for this steamy post by SeattlePolyChick about a first “sexy type” date with a new partner at a kink play party. Her posts appear on her own blog, plus over at lifeontheswingset.com. — Amanda
By SeattlePolyChick
Sweetnesses — If you date or love me or just don’t wanna read about sexy times with others, skip this one. Muah!
I attended Myself! for the first time tonight with Boss, on our first ever play date. I got nervous beforehand and did this thing I often do before a big date. I didn’t want to go. It’s not that I actually don’t want to go. It’s that I get nervous. It occurs especially when it’s a first time “sexy type” date. I get all excited and look forward the date, and then all of a sudden it’s here and I feel like there is pressure and I don’t want to go because “What did I do? Setting an expectation for sex!?” I’m a weirdo.
I went and was happy to go, but on the way there I was nervous. I’ve talked to Boss quite a bit though and I knew I actually wanted to go and that whatever happened it’d be a good time. He seems like a genuinely good person and I’m quite sure it would have been no problem at all if I’d said I didn’t feel like having sex. Feeling like I could say no at any time conversely made me want to have sex again. Like I said, I’m a weirdo.
The Myself party is a masturbation-friendly party that has morphed into this really cool party with lots of things and a huge attendance. It may be one of my favorites. It’s open to members and non-members and it’s relatively cheap, and the atmosphere is pretty hot. There are rules in place to make people feel safe and it’s more open than most of the parties I’ve been to at the kink club.
Pretty much anything the club allows is allowed and a few things are allowed that seem unique to this party. First, there are lots of men and lots of men masturbating. This is not allowed at most parties. I loved that! It’s funny how comfortable it made me feel to have men undressed and touching themselves, watching people play. They were just somehow… more vulnerable or not at all predatory in this way. They were just appreciators and that was less intimidating. I really liked it. It made me very comfortable to be naked and to play around them with them in various stages of undress and/or masturbating. It appealed to my exhibitionist and voyeur streaks.
Sometimes the men were invited to take part of the festivities or scenes but party-goers didn’t have to have any interaction at all if they didn’t want it. People playing could wear arm bands that indicated if they wanted to be approached or asked and it seemed people didn’t ask much without the arm band. There were all kinds of people.. kinky and vanilla, straight and gay and queer young and old and just… everything. This too was very comfortable. There were all kinds of bodies and orientations and such.
It was pretty damn hot. There were places in back to play and be watched or interacted with as people chose and places in the midst of the crowd on the main floor to put on a show. There were chairs to watch different areas and room to mill about and see what struck your fancy. There was gay and straight porn and plenty of supplies to be safe and contain messes if you made any.
Boss and I said greetings to various people and then sat off to the side for a bit. We wandered the back room and the main floor and took in the sights and settled into conversation in our corner. At one point I laughed that we were talking about such everyday stuff while a couple writhed naked 5 feet from us and there were people watching and fucking and masturbating and spanking all around us. We went in back again after a bit and watched a lovely girl in bliss with a few men just touching her and Boss and I went around to the other side. He asked if I’d like to get up into the swing. Clothed, I did.
We made out and got nice and heated. We played a little with a few things he’d brought and I really enjoyed the chemistry I keep noticing with him. The only real awkwardness for me was the kissing. I don’t know his kisses yet and wasn’t as smooth moving with him in this way. Quickly though that was overcome. He was playful and fun and seriously hot in turns. I liked the entire interaction leading up to and including the yummy sex.
By the time I took off my shirt in the swing with a tiny group of men watching I was so eager to fuck Boss that I didn’t care how I looked and I was very comfortable in the gaze of those around us and my new lover. I’m still me, so I was aware that my position was likely not the most flattering, and I could not have cared less. I was sensation.
The men watching and reacting and responding with me, and the things they said made me feel beautiful and powerful. I loved the sounds they made while I sucked Boss’s cock, with him taking a turn in the swing. Again, I don’t know his rhythms yet or his tells, and I was trying to excite him but not make him cum. I wanted to fuck him. So I think it wasn’t my best head. I’m generally very good at head. It’s kinda my thing. I once had a man who hated me tell me that other than sucking cock like a demon I was a worthless human being.
I joked with Boss later that I’d do better and he was sweetly reassuring that it had been fine. I scoffed. I’m a lot of things, but just “fine” at giving head isn’t generally one of them. He’s a challenge, but I love a challenge. I will do better. I know I can do better.
I was in turns turned-over to him and in other turns aggressively responding, taking what I wanted. I growled I think when when he moved harder and when I came, flooding. It was my first ever time in a sex swing and I am a fan. He was having a little difficulty letting go, with the crowd and the heat I think, but I have to admit I wasn’t complaining. I definitely reaped the benefits. One of the men watching announced he was close while Boss and I fucked and I asked the man to cum for me. I think he loved that. I had been afraid to look too much at those watching. It was my first time with Boss and I wanted to give him his due attention, but also it’s that I didn’t know where the line was.
After a bit, Boss and I moved out of the swing and over to a stack of futons, where he lay back and let me play. It turns me on to have such free reign, so I hope he gives it up again sometime. I asked if I could ride him and he happily agreed. I got to watch some of the others more this time, seeing their response, and hearing those I could not see behind me. It’s an incredible feeling to experience the sensations I did and to feel the excitement of those watching. It spurred me on. I love to be watched when I’m that turned on and it was hotter to so clearly see the effect. After a bit Boss took over and we finished, too hot to cuddle for a bit, but good for petting.
We relaxed and calmed, watching a women on the next bed taking all comers. Her responses and the excitement of the men were hot. I did not stir though. I had been fucked into satiety. After a bit of watching it wasn’t hard to talk me into dessert nearby. We got dressed and watched things for a while and left to two of the men who’d watched us for a while giving the thumbs up, an approval from afar.
We went to a Tolouse Petit and didn’t get dessert, enjoying the immense happy hour instead. I have to admit the cheese plate was a stand out. There was a lovely assortment of cheeses and this fruit compote kind of thing that tasted like mulled wine, served with crostini and nuts. We talked music and had little pettings and I felt a little aglow. This here is where my policy of sleeping with only those I like comes in very handy. It was nice to chill in afterglow with a very cool person I like spending time with, even when he’s not naked.
I don’t know when I’m seeing him again, but I know I’d like to.
Grin.
He said near the end of everything that this was a couple of years in the making, and it was. Funny. He was in the first few people I messaged with back when I first joined OKC. I liked him then and life had intruded. Turns out all the advice about being cool when things don’t happen is pretty accurate. I don’t remember his response, but I remember thinking… wow… that’s a classy way to respond. Then, when I met him again at the club just a while ago and thought he was cute and fun to talk to, there was no weirdness.
God it’s fun to have had an exciting new little adventure with an excitingly new lover.
Yawn. So tired. So worth it.
Oh and I would add that there are other types of relationships in which sex plays a part but in which other things also play a part as well. In our predominantly hetero-normative, monogamy-focused society, I can see why these are not given equal time here.
“No, simple disinterest. In every other arena of conversation on this site I find articles that cover broad and deep topics within their area of focus. But in the “relationship” slot the entire conversation has been narrowed down to sex, and as my friend Jere noted below, a fairly narrow appreciation of sexuality at that.
This begs the question of “why?’ Why the narrow focus, whose interest does this serve? Even if it is important to you Eric to have articles that focus on sexuality, rather than the far larger topic of relationships, I would suggest that you pull from a broader range of writing than the poly/orgy scene (no offense to the scene, it’s just one of many).”
Since Chief Niwots Son said what I have often felt when reading certain parts of PW, I will hand him my “speaks for me” (SFM) card and leave it at that.
I knew I’d catch some shit for that quip, deservedly so. Pride in one’s abilities is healthy, and aside from my general lack of tact I respect that.
The post has merit, and is absolutely valid toward the developmental process of having a grounded, whole, and secure experience in this life. Hat’s off, SPC.
..On a side further (relating to what I’m taking as a miscommunication issue), in my perception as far as the sexual experiences that I attempt to convey (energy, spiritual, yada yada…), are not absent of physicality. On the contrary, I view it in similar context to this article itself: utilising the vehicle of physical intimacy/sex in order to gain personal/social enhancement and understanding. I think the destination may be the same for all, but there are many routes and distances to travel. Being a backseat driver, when I’m riding my bicycle in a lane over is probably not the most productive use of my energy.
By any means, Enjoy!,
Jere
SensuousWisdom — i will check her out. thank you!
SeattlePolyChick: thank you for chiming in! no need to apologize for any “flak” — i knew that in posting this piece, there would be people who would not enjoy it for one reason or another. but that to me was a minor risk in presenting just what you’ve described: a woman finding joy and self-awareness and self-acceptance in her sexual expression, especially an “edgier” or “taboo” form of expression.
to know that this night at the kinky play party was a result of (or step in the process of) a long road of sexual healing and reclamation of yourself makes me that much happier to stand by my choice. i’ve walked my own path of sexual healing and claiming my right to be me, though i have not generally written of it in complete detail on PW. i think there are a LOT of women who read PW (and many, many more who do not) who are doing the same — and who may be encouraged to know that such a wild scene as you describe so freely was not “just how you’ve always been,” but rather a milestone in your journey.
Dear Seattle PolyChick, great to read your comment here! I admire your immense honesty and courage. One of my dearest friends has undertaken a similar journey to yours, and like you, found that the sexual (tantric) part was missing from the years of therapy (different kinds, mainly group work) she had done. She would not have been able to proceed with the deep sexual work she did if she hadn’t had such a solid background, however, her tantra journey completed the missing piece of the puzzle for her. She is a real beacon for me. No time to write more. But thank you!
I would like to send out a very warm thank you. Amanda, I am sorry if my blog post earned you flak. I am honored that people read it and shared their thoughts. I have gotten so much out of these comments! What a community! Overall I found it very stimulating to see people talking in such real ways. I’m happy this led me to a forum where discussions like this can take place.
First, what is this post about? I write a blog about sex love and relationships from a bisexual, kinky, open, polyamorous perspective. I write about the things I experience and think about sex love and relationships and this was one night and one of those posts.
Second, I would like to address a thread in some comments that somehow the physical act of sex or the enjoyment thereof was less than, or less evolved than other kinds of sex or experience. I completely disagree. I think the physical is a valid and important part of sexuality, though clearly not the whole of sex. I think there are a lot of reasons to have sex and physical enjoyment and fun IS perfectly valid.
Feeling my body and experiencing my pleasure is a real and vital experience that is very evolved. I worked hard to be able to be like I was that night. It is the result of a lifetime of work. I had to learn to be okay with being a sexual woman. I worked and grew so much to accept my physical appearance, sexual nature, desire and feelings. I had to let go of a lot of shame and hurt and trauma from the way I was treated for having and expressing sexuality. And it’s a beautiful celebration of all of that that I could find comfort in ANYONE’s gaze, or take pleasure, much less be watched and appreciated and accept that appreciation for taking physical pleasure.
The early messages I always received were that physical pleasure was not the birthright of women. To think that my physically enjoying sex is a “step one” or a “beginner kind of sex” is not to understand what it took me and what it takes many women to get to that place.
I overcame years and years of abuse to own my sexuality. Some of my most difficult and hard-won freedoms are those around my body and my sexuality. I think it’s more common for boys in some situations to receive positive messages about sex or their sexuality. Growing up where I did, as a woman, attaching to the physical and being in my body were absolutely not encouraged and often actually shunned. I am grateful that I have come to a place where I can love my sexual self and my physical experience. It is absolutely something I had to evolve to and heal to find. I fucked Boss in front of a crowd of people and experienced so much joy and connection to my body that I flooded. This is not in any way a small thing.
Third, I’m sorry that me talking about enjoying giving my lover a blowjob, or that I was good at it was frowned on by a small few. I won’t be ashamed of that. Taking pride and pleasure in doing something well isn’t wrong to me. I do some things well and some things poorly. Why is it wrong to acknowledge the fact that I have a skill in giving this one small pleasure? I think a lot of women fear blow-jobs at first and many of us come to love them with work.
Sex is a part but not the whole of my relationships. Sex is a part of a discussion. I’ve been writing for a few years about love and sex and relationships and I’ve BARELY scratched the surface on all there is to say about these things, but sex IS part of the discussion about relationships.
And as for healing and sex, I speak only for me in saying that “fucking” was certainly part of my healing. I did a lot of writing and meditation and talking and therapy and making amends and a lot of other things too, but sex was and is part of my healing. It’s funny because this night in particular, fucking in a sex-swing in front of an audience of appreciative masturbating men was very healing to me. I felt like it helped me to unlock another layer of self-acceptance. It helped me see more truth.
I hope I can adequately convey how grateful I am for this discussion to make me think. Thank you again for such a wonderful discussion and such food for thought.
Amanda Painter, I would recommend Melissa Fritchle as a powerful voice for conscious sexuality. Here is one of her latest blog posts: http://www.mf-therapy.com/blog/post/2013/10/08/Guilt-Versus-Shame
I find the onion/cooking analogy to be rich for hyperbole.. here goes. Why would I want to put an onion into my body? What nutrients, chemistries, and elements constitute the onion, and how do they interact within a specific/general bio-form? And, what are the differences too? How might an onion interact with my system one way, and with an others’ another way?
Perhaps, I’ve gotten an onion in the eye at some point in time. Maybe it hurt, maybe I enjoyed the tears. Perhaps, I could get addicted to the painful pleasure of rubbing onions on my eyeballs. Maybe, I got that onion in the eye and decided that that wasn’t something I wanted to try again. There’s always that oddball chance that I’m allergic to onions, maybe I go rash or hives.
If I were able to teach one to cook, I would aware myself first with what I think I know, through where I’ve been, and where I project myself to be. Then, I would step aside from myself in order to view the others’ countenance, thus allowing me to allow the other to truly digest their own experience of their own metabolism. Of course, I would always disclaim to the class that I’m vegan, they’re always more than welcome to cook some flesh, (don’t personally recommend it but,) I welcome as diverse constitutions as is biologically possible.
Still, wouldn’t rub an onion on my eyeball for shits and giggles. Nor would I consume an animal, unless I was really bored.
This is a trip, thank you all,
Jere
Scott, sex is social behavior; energy is a biological fact. It’s very difficult to define these things, and to put them into words.
I think that an analogy is worthwhile. Were I teaching people to cook, I would start with the basics, like how to chop and sautee an onion. I would not get into food chemistry. The onion is not superficial, however, it is elemental.
Where our society is with sex, consent is elemental. Admitting desire is elemental. I don’t care if someone else thinks that discussing desire or learning how to say yes and no lacks depth or spiritual meaning. Often the basics are the heart of the matter.
Tantra is about more than energy. It’s about how we relate to one another and to existence. It’s about understanding ourselves in some genuinely basic ways, such as how our psyches are composed of masculine and feminine principles…again, words are difficult, especially without context.
With sex, my intent in curating this website is not depth. It’s not sophistication. My intent is to create a space of being real, which means real feelings, authentic yes, authentic no, and learning how to be in the physical, in the moment — tuned into one’s senses and responses to what is perceived.
The vital force is not dangerous. Untrained, ignorant obsession over the supposedly “spiritual” realm (allegedly so because it emphasizes the nonphysical, if such even exists) is the distraction.
diva carla — thanks for chiming in with those thoughts, and thanks for the link! we’ll definitely check out Christina’s work.
Chantal — maybe try thinking of it less as an “article” and more as one person’s “personal essay,” which we’ve republished here to spark conversation and to offer one person’s positive experience (and her thoughts about it) for anyone who might take pleasure/inspiration/information/insight from it.
if you do not — no worries! we all have different tastes, needs, desires, questions, etc.
Okay, so I’m really happy for Seattle PC, but I really don’t get the purpose of this article….sorry.
“in true Sag. fashion: speak first, finish the thought later ” – ha ha! Love ya, Jere…. Good luck with your journey.
Great thread here – am really stimulated by your comments, Chief Niwots Son.
Thank for that link DivaCarla!
Must fly….
I’m going to make the best attempt I can (in true Sag. fashion: speak first, finish the thought later [or not at all, ’cause hell, what does it all matter]) to elaborate my comment. I’m absolutely cool with everybody doing ‘whatever the fuck they want’, in true anarchy fashion. Sexually or anywise. No judgements, or pointed ‘outwardly’ baggage toward any other soul. I truly care to ‘own’ my own shit, and respect others’ abilities to do so. I’ve had some fine times, and I’ve done some damage with sexuality. I realize it as a tool, and energy conduit, that I need to respect to the utmost degree. I wouldn’t hope to deny, or demean, any other’ their proper dues, on the path to self-awareness, enlightenment,.. (whatever the fuck you may call it,..any other name… still as sweet..).
Where I find myself (through way too much for my brain to spit out now) is in a position where I’m looking for a universal specific that I can’t quite put my finger, or words/definitions, onto at this moment (though apparently I am trying to identify it).
Seriously, if I could stare at an electronic screen for more than 30 minutes, I’d scour the web for writers who could shed some light on ‘my’ particular situation. Luckily, I haven’t exhausted my physical library, and still have some books to comb through. Though I thoroughly enjoy the reads’, I have a suspicion that I’m on my own to test ‘homemade’ hypotheses, and develop theories.
..I’m going to have to narrowly pass on my rebuttal to the “danger” of ‘playing with fire’, except to say that, “Sex is a very powerful energy. Use it freely. In whatever way you use it, you are never disconnected from the Universe.”
To end my abuse of the keyboard (at this time),
Here’s to Exchanges that go beyond your imagination,
Jere
Sexual healing requires fucking, or at least touching. Touch by self, by lover, and where available, by a professional. There is no separation between the physical body, which has been shamed and abused, and the energy body, which has been ignored, denied, forgotten. Orgasm is energy, pleasure is energy. Sex is bigger than the body, and it is nothing without the body, and love of the body. Touch the body to release the pain and shame of generations, and this lifetime, that are held there.
Christina Dietrich’s blog post resonates with my own personal story, including the shame, not including the abuse, and including the egg. Her whole blog is good, and this one article is amazing. http://christinalouisedietrich.com/2014/07/23/tapping-my-intuition/.
Amanda Painter, and Amanda Moreno, she may be a blogger you would like to meet.
“Exploring the nonphysical or energy level can be a distraction, it can be dangerous, and to me it misses the point of addressing the issues our culture has around sexuality.”
“…sex is a reminder of being alive, an expression of life, of vital force and of human contact.”
So is the vital force dangerous or essential?
Without the vital force there ain’t no sex of any kind, or contact, or life. Sex is always about energy, sexual attraction was once named the most powerful force in the universe. I find it fascinating that you would call an energy awareness a distraction and dangerous, the same kind of fear-mongering that has been projected not other aspects of sex since the dawn of agriculture.
Awareness of the vital force is Tantra, recognizing that hidden within our meat bodies is a subtle body that organizes and enlivens this incarnation (existence within “carne,” meat). If you are looking for a genuine cultural lacuna then look at the ways our culture continues to deny the reality of the vital force- in our bodies, in our food, in our health.
When we recognize the bigger picture than smaller particulars like the place of sexuality in our culture can be properly understood as a symptom of a bigger disease, not the disease itself. We’ve fallen into a cultural belief that “the thing that hurts is the thing that is hurt,” which keeps us from looking for deeper causes. In medicine if something hurts we cut it out without consideration for how it got that way, whether it can be healed within the larger context of life, or if we can prevent that thing from happening in others.
Our bigger cultural disease is disconnection from ourselves and the resultant disempowerment (stemming from a variety of causes), and sexual disconnect is the symptom we pay attention to because there is so much energy stuck in that arena (Water Chakra- the deepest emotional foundation of our Being, and the energy of connection and cohesion). Shock and Shadow play out in the sexual realm, but the roots of both go much deeper.
So we can keep popping the zits of sex or we can investigate what deeper process is seeking release through our psychic pores. All I am asking is this: do you want the conversation to have the same kind of depth that is sought in the rest of the website?
I don’t know what you can or cannot fuck your way into or out of, but sex is a reminder of being alive, an expression of life, of vital force and of human contact. Whether contact or confrontation, sex always points to existence.
Great post and straight from the heart. It strikes me how the insecurity of ‘doing it right’ and ‘what might he, they, this or that person might think’ is intruding in the experience, that is the only thing which puts me off…sex and feeling safe belong together to make sex worthwhile. Me thinks. If I want mere excitement, I’d rather go bungee jumping. But I am surely on a different train, having lived a few years and some 30+ of them in a relationship with severe ups and downs but great sex. With this I mean it became more intense, more intimate, totally secure, open, honest and fun. Doesn’t work ? Yes it does. Take a Sag to get together with an Aries who’s Mars is conjunct her sun – and who has his sun on her vertex. We tried the kinky parties of our time when we were bored but in the end we enjoyed sex much more when on our own. And this is what I read here,too – stand to be corrected of course – its all another way of finding that special person, not to own him or her, not to cling to him or her, but to know you’re gonna be friends forever, no matter what happens. yes, friends. At best, friends and lovers but always friends. And yes Eric, I agree. The spiritual or Tantric or Kundalini or holy aspect of sex comes later and diving into this with great expectations too soon, it can become a religion of sorts – which is always a bad idea when it comes to sex. Thanks for the post, I am tired of articles about sex and relationship, a waste of time – this piece is authentic and hot and honest.
“i would agree that you cannot “fuck your way out of wounding.” but i would say that having access to safe, fun, supportive sexual experiences or relationships where sexual healing can be part of the conversation and in mind during sexual contact can be part of that healing process (or is even essential to it).” This was the case with me, Amanda. I’ve written about it before here – that I never realized how terrified I was of men (and penises) until I was really able to confront it and work through it with a man I really trusted and who was as’ wounded’ a I was.
This piece brought up aversion in me too – though as I wrote yesterday, it also reminded me of a film I had really enjoyed. I find it useful to be pushed by such material in the context of the safe, compassionate environment of PW..
Regarding the healing of sexual wounding… One of the things I’ve been most interested in lately is the healing potential of kink and BDSM, which are integral parts of “play spaces” such as the one SeattlePolyChick wrote about. The kind of imagery that comes out of pieces like this is repulsive to some, a turn on to others, or perhaps even just interesting to a few more. Regardless, images like this are totally pervasive in our society, and I think it’s important that they be addressed out in the open.
Once again, and forgive me if I’m starting to sound like a broken record, from my very biased stand point, healing of sexual wounding is one of the most important things that can happen in our culture. Creating non-judgmental spaces (at a play part, or in a website forum) where people’s experiences can be held can be hugely therapeutic. Although the potential for exploitation exists within these communities – as it does anywhere – I think a lot of people are seeking out this type of experience in order to work through trauma, and build trust and intimacy. And so creating an open dialogue about these things is so important – and I’m really frickin’ grateful for this forum and all of you people who so openly do all of that.
And as Amanda said, if anyone has found strong, intelligent and accessible writing that talks about sexuality/sensuality using the chakra/kundalini/”sacred” language please do let us know.
just to be clear, i chose this column to run after a colleague had pointed me to another post on SeattlePolyChick’s blog. i knew it would annoy some people, entice others, offend some and simply not register at all with others. but i chose to run it because:
1. i appreciated hearing a woman claim her pleasure in unabashed terms, complete with her moments of nervousness, and without any glaring sense of abusive power struggle.
2. i really loved her acknowledgement of the single men at the club, her remarks at how non-threatening and non-creepy their presence was, and her appreciation of their masturbation. to me, those statements of hers flew in the face of common assumptions and stereotypes and therefore were worth noting.
3. we really haven’t had such a vivid account of what this kind of scene is like on PW (at least not in a long time), and i think it’s worthwhile for the curious to be able to read about it in the context of a community (PW) full of out-of-the-box thinkers and compassionate people who can potentially bring a lot more to the conversation than one might typically find in the comments on many other websites.
4. i thought it was fun to read. period.
that said, since i’ve been co-curating the relationship/sex column slot on saturdays with the help of amanda moreno and eric, amanda and i had tried to include non-poly blog posts — which we have. i think there’s room for many different writers enjoying and writing about many different relationship styles; i also know that PW has been a champion of poly and other non-traditional takes on relationship, and keeping that broad inclusiveness is (to me) important.
and regarding this comment:
“But I am remiss if I neglect to point out the the healing of sexual wounding, or other wounding that interferes with pleasure and enjoyment, most often occurs in non-sexual contexts. Or to be more direct: you can’t fuck your way out of your wounding.”
i would agree that you cannot “fuck your way out of wounding.” but i would say that having access to safe, fun, supportive sexual experiences or relationships where sexual healing can be part of the conversation and in mind during sexual contact can be part of that healing process (or is even essential to it). the deep healing we do on our own, often with the help of a therapist or other healing facilitators. but having positive sexual experiences along that path is/can be helpful — at least it was in my experience.
in any case, i appreciate the conversation here. and again, i invite anyone not satisfied with the sex/relationship writing we’re posting here to actively seek out writers whom you think are “getting it” and put us in touch with them. the internet is vast — and full of lots of crap one has to wade through before finding writers who not only know their shit, but also write about it beautifully.
i’ll end with this: i hope that anyone and everyone reading PW gets to enjoy the sexual pleasure they desire and deserve, whatever form/relationship/flavor it takes. anyone willing to speak of “joy” and “sex” in the same sentence (the classic book title not included) has my ear.
😉
“Stunned silence?”
No, simple disinterest. In every other arena of conversation on this site I find articles that cover broad and deep topics within their area of focus. But in the “relationship” slot the entire conversation has been narrowed down to sex, and as my friend Jere noted below, a fairly narrow appreciation of sexuality at that.
This begs the question of “why?’ Why the narrow focus, whose interest does this serve? Even if it is important to you Eric to have articles that focus on sexuality, rather than the far larger topic of relationships, I would suggest that you pull from a broader range of writing than the poly/orgy scene (no offense to the scene, it’s just one of many).
But I am remiss if I neglect to point out the the healing of sexual wounding, or other wounding that interferes with pleasure and enjoyment, most often occurs in non-sexual contexts. Or to be more direct: you can’t fuck your way out of your wounding.
Yup. Let’s keep the physical in Metaphysical. I have been having too much fun in the promised 3D aquarius full moon party–mostly of the ecosexual kind– to comment on this article, which I read with a touch of envy. Eric, keep being a stand for pleasure is normal, and it is what sex is about, above all. Astute remark on hiding behind political fig leaf.
Jere, I think that with sex and sexuality, it’s best to start of walking and learn to run. The nonphysical may be a destination — the energy level, etc. — though I think for most, learning how to experience, explore and describe physical sex in a friendly context is essential. Exploring the nonphysical or energy level can be a distraction, it can be dangerous, and to me it misses the point of addressing the issues our culture has around sexuality. We need to learn how to ask, how to answer, how to speak, how to offer, how to be available, how to trust, how to say yes and no, and how to be in-body either without shame, or with a conscious focus on working through shame. You can trust that it is “spiritually” liberating (for example) for many women to read that another woman likes and takes pride in giving blowjobs — which is to say, in pleasuring men, with no hitch or catch or commitment clause. And many other facets of what the writer is describing.
..Wake me up when we get to kundalini, the chakras, energy (in infinite, yet tangible forms), yogic, chi, and universal forms of sexuality. (I’m gonna nap while ‘ego’ expounds their ‘mastery’ of giving a blow job).
Had to bandage my tongue after that article,.. a modicum of statement serves my intention at this time.
Here’s to Peaceful, Loving exchanges, (in whatever form one needs),
Jere
I think there may be a lot of unresolved baggage in the way, which is concealed by politicizing sexuality. In political mode, one does not take any risk; it is basically becoming part of a mob. In describing pleasure, there seems to be all the risk — particularly doing something un-Victorian, which is standing in one’s desire in an open and honest way. What stands between is shame. It’s easy to hide shame in the fog of politics. it’s more challenging to step through the fog and be seen and known openly for who you are.
Coming out is not just for LGBTQ.
I’m so glad this is the post that came up for this week. Stimulating at all levels. I’ve always had an interest in attending something like this, and although I’m at a point in my life where creating a one on one container for intimacy that involves more “kinky” play is more important (and novel!) than exploring in semi-public spaces, I’m definitely looking forward to attending this party at some point when I return to Seattle. It’s been on my radar for a while.
I’m also just so excited that there are people writing so candidly about experiences like this.
And Eric, your point about the silence that rings out when the conversation turns to pleasure and experimentation is so important. I do agree that “everyone has a wild side.” I wonder if that’s as much the issue as the fact that we’re so often unable to stand securely in our own sexual preferences and then just let others do the same without judgment. Although I guess the two things go hand in hand.
I am careful of the “it’s not my scene” thing, as I am capable of that. True, currently this is not my scene, I have been to many scenes like this and, actually I would love to have a place I could go where there was a concept of sexual play.
This is the central idea — shorn of its cultural baggage and requirements for marriage or an interview for filling the Office of the Boyfriend — there is such a thing as erotic play. There is such a thing as sharing pleasure.
It’s usually a missing idea in our society, confused with all kinds of other things, judged, etc. I want to point out again that when the conversation about sex involves a trigger of some kind (victimization, exploitation, violence) the conversation can go on for 100 comments.
When the discussion shifts to pleasure, play or experimentation, there is often eerie silence. I would offer a challenge to my readers and friends here to consider and comment on sex in this other context, the one where there is only choice and no victim (notice how the writer says that the potential for choice turns her on — and by the way that is not weird).
Everyone has a wild side. Perhaps it’s my hyper Pisces chart, but many people share their sexual fantasies with me, and I assure you — everyone has a wild side. I realize that here in Century 21, “wild” might be considered actually having sex naked, but still…usually one’s real desires are a lot more enticing than that.
And I know that many people wish they had the guts to try something they really want, or to approach someone they really want and say hello, let’s play.
Ha ha! Hats off for posting this! Breaking some real taboos here. It’s not my scene, but it reminded me of Shortbus and the party towards the end, which I was really turned on by.
And it made me think of this song by Faithless, which I listened to after reading this piece. About something totally different, but the mood was this for me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps1_FHNf4m0
Stunned silence?