The Yes Men Save the World, Again

The fake edition of the Post is available at nypost-se.com

Dear Friend and Reader:

Good morning and welcome to the last day of Virgo, along with Venus in Virgo trine Pluto in Capricorn. The Sun is void of course, and that is a day that unusual things can happen. Mercury is still retrograde. It might be really, really unusual.

In other news, many of the big boys and bigger wigs and corporate honchos and oil rabbis are arriving in New York City for the opening of Climate Change Week, ready to convince us how great fossil fuels still are. So, too, are The Yes Men, who have spent months doing a parody of the New York Post. [Here is a Planet Waves article on the Yes Men from 2007.]

Today’s spoof (by the way, they insist it’s not a parody) on the Post is a ‘special edition’ that writes to and about the world from an alternate reality wherein everyone just gets it and we deal with the issue of the world heating up. Somehow, I am not sure how, the Yes Men got to me and asked me to write a horoscope for the project. We went back and forth with various shades of satire, lots of lucky you’re a Pisces cause of all the flooding and Sagittarians defend the high ground with their bow and arrow kind of jokes, and finally they asked me to write them a lively, straight-on horoscope for the day.

It didn’t make the final cut, but I can share that with you now that the ultra-secret wrapper has been taken off the project. This horoscope has a bit of bitchslap to it, rather than my usual velvet glove approach to psychology. There are no climate change jokes. Climate change is not funny. We need to save the world. For what, I am not sure, but it seems like the thing to do.

Meanwhile, I’ve taken up my second role as a Yes Man and (as you read) I’ll be photographing the distribution of this lovely piece of literature, and getting a behind-the-scenes view of the World of Yes. I’ll be in New York City on Monday (Manhattan in the morning, Brooklyn in the afternoon), stationed at United Nations Headquarters (the perfect assignment for Planet Waves). You can reach me through Chelsea, especially if you have a place where I can take a nap in the late afternoon. I left my studio at 2 am Monday (with a day’s worth of gluten free food, charged batteries and a Chinese fortune I just got that informs me, The time is right to make new friends), to report for muster call at the Empire State Building at 4 am, before proceeding to the UN.

These people get up early. With any luck at all, the world will not sleep late.

Yours & truly,

PS, to see my photo stream, if all goes according to plan, at around noon or 1 pm New York time, check my Flickr page. Other photos will be available by searching the keyword newyorkbigevent in Flickr. They are planning nearly instantaneous coverage. There may also be more photos here.

Your Daily Horoscope for Sept. 21, 2009 – BY ERIC FRANCIS

Aries (March 20-April 19)
It seems like the more you work, the less you get done. You have your strategy running backward. You’re not doing what you want to do; you’re acting like a child who is being told what to do, and who has no idea he can get away with saying no. This is vividly different than your childhood, when one of your two most dependable skills was defiance of authority. Now you worship the stuff; you’ve become like the rest of us, and look where we all ended up.

Taurus (April 19- May 20)
What was it you said you would never do? Or rather, who was it? On the long list of people you wanted to get groovy with but for some mysterious reason refused, you now have an opportunity that has returned from the land of the improbable. What will you do? Unless I specifically instruct you to tear off your clothes, you will spend long enough thinking about it that the person will get bored waiting for you. At least send a kinky text message.

Gemini (May 20- June 21)
Your feelings are so scrambled you’ve invented a catalogue system to keep track of them. You put the catalogue in a notebook, but you can’t read your own handwriting. You tried an Excel database, but it crashed twice. The only solution is to take up drinking. You’re the type who has to be cut off after one pony Miller, but you’ve gone and drank an entire pint. This led you to have an actual idea, but you can’t find a pen. Face it, it’s gonna be one of those days.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)
If you’re such a genius, why does everyone take advantage of you like this? Maybe it’s because you’re sensitive and they are not. The funny thing about callous people is they bear an uncanny knack for discerning who is the most emotionally vulnerable. In 45 minutes, you will consider becoming a cunning, heartless shrew that your mother once accused you of being when she was having one of her narcissistic episodes. Five minutes later, you will reject this possibility without understanding why.

Leo (July 22- Aug. 23)
Later this week, you’ll meet the love of your life when a mysterious stranger tries to steal your wallet. Trust me, this will emerge from a strange turn of events, too convoluted to get into in 85 pithy words. Things have gone wrong like this before; but what was it that stopped them from going so right? The answer involves karma. This settles the long-debated controversy between fate and free will. You actually have no control over your life and my advice to you is therefore meaningless. But follow it anyway.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sep. 22)
In 1968, the Rand Corporation conducted a secret study on your future. After three years and $4.5 million ($18 million in today’s dollars), it concluded that you would be the US ambassador to the United Nations. And, to think you had to give it all up to have what you have now. Are you having your regrets? Well, I have news for you. A 1987 study concluded that you would take up your role as the personal representative of the Goddess on Earth. Have your pick; there is also a gig available as assistant librarian in River City.

Libra (Sep. 22 – Oct. 23)
You recently tried giving up hope, but determined that it was too close to your birthday. You tried to hope, but it wasn’t practical enough. Now that you’ve taken up gambling, you feel a lot better. You need to bet higher; you need to put all the chips down. This is the moment, and you know it. Well, you’ll know it in about five or six weeks when you realize absolutely everything comes into focus and you determine that you have nothing at all to lose.

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 22)
You always knew you could see in the dark, walk through walls and psych out the most talented conmen in the business. Now is your big chance. In fact, you could even con them out of their job. But we know that despite your reputation as being born under the scariest sign of the zodiac, you’re friendlier than Mr. Rogers. This makes you perfect for a cosmic assignment associated with saving the world. It’s dangerous and it will require all your psychic and psychological skill. Now, put on your sneaks, feed the fish and ask if anyone can say ‘clever’.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 22)
True, everything is going wrong just when you needed it to go right. It’s also true that you had the most interesting stroke of good fortune just when you were sure you had reached the maximum point of frustration. Now you face a dilemma: who is your mother? Don’t laugh — I really mean it. There are two possibilities; two different concepts of what a mother is. I’m not even counting Mother Earth, though she would count for a viable third choice, and you can adopt her anytime you want; the sooner the better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 20)
If you could be famous for one thing, what would it be? Think about it, because the cosmic door is open. It might not be quite what you were thinking. While Capricorn is usually considered the capitalist of the zodiac, you are more likely its natural-born ambassador, negotiator or person whose prime directive is peace and justice. This will give you the perfect excuse to step on everyone’s head in your Gore Tex boots. Just keep telling them it’s for a good cause.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 19)
Just when you thought nothing could be more different, it’s about to be really, really different. In your particular case, since everyone always asks, different means better. Different means having a handle on your longterm plans, instead of trying to figure out what everyone else has planned for you. It’s true that this has saved you a lot of pages in your day planner, and many difficult decisions; it’s also been the main thing standing between you and having faith in yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20)
Don’t judge your relationship life on the next few weeks. Who knows, maybe it’s not that challenging and maybe you see that every development is leading you one step closer to focusing your intentions and sorting out the acorns from the nuts. Here’s the message that I see: aim higher. Pick the people who show commitment. You’re on a mission. What you haven’t figured out quite yet is that you deserve actual love; which is another way of saying look for who really shows up. And not by text message.