Guilt is something we discovered we have in common: a long legacy of guilt. I learned that in the few days before our Thursday night adventure, she had been wracked with guilt about the potential for having to choose one of us; for having to hurt one of us. And some guilt for being able to have both of us – the strange guilt you feel when you love someone and then feel something for another person. That emotion needs a name, so we can identify it when we feel it.
This is the same guilt that makes it difficult to make a simple decision; the guilt we feel for enjoying life; for doing something for ourselves; though here, when we reach the branch of the road where we may choose to love, to actually love who we will, I think we’re pretty close to the core source of this emotion. Here, we are looking at one of the deepest divisions against ourselves.
Thank you, Len. I suspect that the places in which you gain your livelihood have a pretty good stake in the ignoring the sapience of environment. Being determined to stay awake there is quite the task. You have my respect, and in whatever small way I can extend it, support.
Mystes,
i have never seen you so i don’t know if you “look crazy” but you certainly don’t sound that way. Congratulations on paying attention to trees, children, etc. i know from my own experience that it takes a constant effort (at least untiil it becomes habit). i admire and aspire to your constancy of awareness.
Eric,
i had a dream last night that i was talking to at least one person about Nessus. Thank you for your creative reiterations on that complex and (for me, at least) vital subject matter. Something seems to be getting through.
With folks like you two out there in `Waves land, it gives me hope and joy like summer itself.
– Len Wallick
Eric writes: What we tend to forget, any time we love, is how deeply abandoned we tend to feel as a prevailing spiritual condition of life on the planet. Much of the dance we do in relationships is based on being terrified of this sense of abandonment but without giving it a name; it seems too horrific and too far out of reach of anything we have power over.
Mmmyeah. I have decided that looking ‘crazy’ is much preferable to the alternative – to suffer, only half-aware of the desolation that underwrites the current state of human ‘consciousness.’
‘Crazy’ is talking to, touching, and thanking every tree I walk past. It is seeing and supporting the ‘what if’ in children and infants’ eyes. It is acknowledging the patterns of awareness that brush past me through wind and water, heat and chill as they coil and release in my environment. This is not just a language, but a deep shuddering in the Worldsoul right now, And it isn’t just species- or kingdom-wide; it is the whole Corpus on the verge of knowing itself.
We (inasmuch as we can conceive a ‘we-ness’) are so very, very, very not Alone. Well. . . we are alone at the moment of Death, but that simply provides a cleansing that allows you to enter this Colloquium more fully.