Area Braces for Impact; Young Virgins Prepared for Big Night
HYDE PARK, NY (AP) — The Hudson Valley is under a general curfew starting at 6 pm Saturday, as part of extraordinary security measures being taken for the wedding of Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky, a broker of residential mortgage backed securities (RMBS).
The Clinton wedding, which was prophecized by Nostradamus in the famous Quatrain LMXVIII, is taking place at the Astor estate in Rhinebeck. Mr. Astor was last seen boarding the Titanic in April 1912 and is not expected to be in attendance. Gov. Patterson was not invited, either.
Through the weekend, it will be illegal for residents or visitors in Dutchess, Sullivan and Ulster counties to step outside their homes. And as of last night, no vehicular or air traffic was allowed without direct consent of the Secret Service. All flights in and out of Kingston International Airport were diverted to other parts of the region. A squadron of C5-A jets was on alert at nearby Stewart Air Force Base, in case additional provisions or support were needed.
“Those are the rules and we’re going to enforce them,” said Ulster County Sheriff Morgan Van Der Luftborgenstein IV. “They apply to people, pets and the police equally. We’re not even allowed to drive. All road patrols will be on a gumshoe basis. That’s what community policing is all about.”
In addition, all dogs must be on 24-inch leads maximum, cats are barred from hunting and parrots must be muzzled. “We’re taking this very seriously,” said Van Der Luft Borgenstine. “We’ve already impounded a six stray cats and a macaw,” he said. “Please, keep your cat indoors and tell your bird to shut up,” he added.
The Hudson River is closed to all but private, pre-authorized traffic from the George Washington Bridge as far north as Fort Edward. General Electric removed all PCBs from the river for the weekend as a courtesy, but will restore the Hudson to is natural condition Monday after the last guests have sobered up and gone home.
The Hudson is being used as a transport route for the New York hoi polloi who will be attending. Steamboats were taken out of retirement in museums for the occasion, and will race up and down the Hudson, over-stressing their boilers and side swiping one another and potentially bursting into flames, threatening the lives of their wealthy, influential passengers, just as in more traditional times.
A spokesperson for the family said the vessels would be powered only by organic, clean coal that is being flown in from Oregon for the occasion.
“We love the charm of the Hudson Valley,” said Hillary Clinton, in a news conference Thursday. The Arkansas native is the former senator from New York State. She is currently Barack Obama’s secretary.
By Thursday, paparazzi had overrun the area and were being contained en masse by riot police on horseback in Rhinebeck, where the wedding will take place. Troops of motorcycles were roaring through the streets as the police pursued them, scavenging for anything they could find. Some photographers desperate for a shot were reduced to photographing local newspapers and even produce.
Everyone seemed to want a piece of the story. “We’re providing pot for the wedding,” said one man who spoke on the condition of anonymity, but who is reputed to get good stuff. He said that a Secret Service helicopter would be stopping by his front yard later in the afternoon to pick up four ounces of cush, six ounces of sour diesel and two pounds of organic cannabis goat butter, for those who don’t inhale.
The Clintons strictly adhere to their locally-grown weed policy.
Some were excited that the royal couple would lose its virginity right in our region. “How exciting,” said one passer-by.
Sheri Winston, Kingston native and world-famous tantra expert, was hired to guide the couple through the potentially awkward experience. “I’ll be there and I’ll help them figure out what to do,” said Winston, who will spend the day at the Astor estate preparing in a special trailer. She is one of the 876,091 Americans who currently hold security clearance.
“We’re very happy to have Sherri’s help,” said Miss Clinton. “I don’t know what we would do without her. This is all so new to me.” She said she has an abstinence until married pact with her father, and will give him back his ring tonight. Book of Blue photography, a local studio, will be on hand to document the event for posterity. Mirror nymphs worked through the night at the studio, polishing antique mirrors.
Because Chelsea Clinton is gluten-intolerant, the wedding cake and all food served will be free from flour. All bakeries in the region were shut down as a precaution.
Eric Francis, a local stargazer, was contacted in his field office at Dominick’s Cafe. His mafia-based security detail at first refused to let us speak to him until we flashed our counterfeit press cards.
“They’re getting married with Mars and Saturn in Libra,” said Mr. Francis, who helps plan royal weddings in his native Great Britain. “That’s really interesting. I wish them the best on their adventure.”