Extraordinary security measures for Clinton wedding

Area Braces for Impact; Young Virgins Prepared for Big Night

HYDE PARK, NY (AP) — The Hudson Valley is under a general curfew starting at 6 pm Saturday, as part of extraordinary security measures being taken for the wedding of Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky, a broker of residential mortgage backed securities (RMBS).

Local newspaper details the new travel rules. Photo by Eric Francis/News of the World.

The Clinton wedding, which was prophecized by Nostradamus in the famous Quatrain LMXVIII, is taking place at the Astor estate in Rhinebeck. Mr. Astor was last seen boarding the Titanic in April 1912 and is not expected to be in attendance. Gov. Patterson was not invited, either.

Through the weekend, it will be illegal for residents or visitors in Dutchess, Sullivan and Ulster counties to step outside their homes. And as of last night, no vehicular or air traffic was allowed without direct consent of the Secret Service. All flights in and out of Kingston International Airport were diverted to other parts of the region. A squadron of C5-A jets was on alert at nearby Stewart Air Force Base, in case additional provisions or support were needed.

“Those are the rules and we’re going to enforce them,” said Ulster County Sheriff Morgan Van Der Luftborgenstein IV. “They apply to people, pets and the police equally. We’re not even allowed to drive. All road patrols will be on a gumshoe basis. That’s what community policing is all about.”

In addition, all dogs must be on 24-inch leads maximum, cats are barred from hunting and parrots must be muzzled. “We’re taking this very seriously,” said Van Der Luft Borgenstine. “We’ve already impounded a six stray cats and a macaw,” he said. “Please, keep your cat indoors and tell your bird to shut up,” he added.

The Hudson River is closed to all but private, pre-authorized traffic from the George Washington Bridge as far north as Fort Edward. General Electric removed all PCBs from the river for the weekend as a courtesy, but will restore the Hudson to is natural condition Monday after the last guests have sobered up and gone home.

The Hudson is being used as a transport route for the New York hoi polloi who will be attending. Steamboats were taken out of retirement in museums for the occasion, and will race up and down the Hudson, over-stressing their boilers and side swiping one another and potentially bursting into flames, threatening the lives of their wealthy, influential passengers, just as in more traditional times.

A spokesperson for the family said the vessels would be powered only by organic, clean coal that is being flown in from Oregon for the occasion.

“We love the charm of the Hudson Valley,” said Hillary Clinton, in a news conference Thursday. The Arkansas native is the former senator from New York State. She is currently Barack Obama’s secretary.

Local sexpert Sheri Winston will help the couple lose its virginity. Photo by Eric Francis / The Daily Mail

By Thursday, paparazzi had overrun the area and were being contained en masse by riot police on horseback in Rhinebeck, where the wedding will take place. Troops of motorcycles were roaring through the streets as the police pursued them, scavenging for anything they could find. Some photographers desperate for a shot were reduced to photographing local newspapers and even produce.

Everyone seemed to want a piece of the story. “We’re providing pot for the wedding,” said one man who spoke on the condition of anonymity, but who is reputed to get good stuff. He said that a Secret Service helicopter would be stopping by his front yard later in the afternoon to pick up four ounces of cush, six ounces of sour diesel and two pounds of organic cannabis goat butter, for those who don’t inhale.

The Clintons strictly adhere to their locally-grown weed policy.

Some were excited that the royal couple would lose its virginity right in our region. “How exciting,” said one passer-by.

Sheri Winston, Kingston native and world-famous tantra expert, was hired to guide the couple through the potentially awkward experience. “I’ll be there and I’ll help them figure out what to do,” said Winston, who will spend the day at the Astor estate preparing in a special trailer. She is one of the 876,091 Americans who currently hold security clearance.

“We’re very happy to have Sherri’s help,” said Miss Clinton. “I don’t know what we would do without her. This is all so new to me.” She said she has an abstinence until married pact with her father, and will give him back his ring tonight. Book of Blue photography, a local studio, will be on hand to document the event for posterity. Mirror nymphs worked through the night at the studio, polishing antique mirrors.

Because Chelsea Clinton is gluten-intolerant, the wedding cake and all food served will be free from flour. All bakeries in the region were shut down as a precaution.

Eric Francis, a local stargazer, was contacted in his field office at Dominick’s Cafe. His mafia-based security detail at first refused to let us speak to him until we flashed our counterfeit press cards.

“They’re getting married with Mars and Saturn in Libra,” said Mr. Francis, who helps plan royal weddings in his native Great Britain. “That’s really interesting. I wish them the best on their adventure.”

31 thoughts on “Extraordinary security measures for Clinton wedding”

  1. (As far as Arizona, I can’t stand the place.)

    dirty bastards.

    ..but, I will say that the Native American population is great! The Walkinghorses hooked us up! We drove out of that place in a ’67 Biscayne! A freakin’ boat with no shocks through the Nevada desert. 13 hours I drove,.. to Tahoe. I said I’d rather die than drive any more!

    Love.. All.. Peace

  2. Hey Brendan, I was in Bisbee, Cochise county in ’94, Jan. 1st., it’s the day they made Mushrooms a class 4 felony.. My girlfriend was arrested on the border in Nogalues.

    She spent 13 days in jail, while my buddy and I slept on Macdonald’s rooftops!(Sierra Vista, big military town, no transients,.. just trouble) We also spent time at the Mission in Bisbee, got foodstamps ripped from us.. I got a tambourine out of the deal..

    ..funny shit, eh..


  3. Umm, Carrie, would that be Bisbee? It’s the only blue island I know of in the state.

    Fellow traveler here, down in Warren if that is the case, and yes, I know of what you speak. Such a beautiful place with such painful problems, and a completely bass-ackwards legislature/governor who just don’t get it.

    Just say NO to bozos!

  4. I live in Arizona…they had better NOT start issuing their own passports! It is already bad enough that I live in one of the most grossly incompetent, backward, racist, sexist, assinine states; a passport would tip me right over the edge. I live in a blue island in the midst of this red sea of ignorance; I wonder how long we can hold on here.

  5. The feds are having all kinds of problems getting states to comply with REAL-ID, the chip driver’s license. Some states are gung ho. Others, like Vermont and Washington get the joke and are not playing along.

  6. The Arizona ID-thing actually concerns me because I believe it is planned as the political impetus for nation-wide ID-cards-with-a-microchip to be force-ably issued to everyone.

    I think the “border/immigrant” story is the cover.

    (WalMart already knows everything about each of its shoppers with those things.)

    I lived in NEW Mexico just prior to the year 1984. Life’s subtle ironies.

  7. That noisy, drunken bird is one of the most cheerfully inappropriate creatures I’ve ever met, I miss her.

  8. Hazel – when I worked at the La Fonda, I often took calls from American citizens concerned that they would need to have a passport when passing through new Mexico.


  9. Hazel:

    In this day and age of a macaw-obsessed police state, we must now need to be careful which pre-institutionalized creatures we bring into our homes. We could be harboring fugitives from laws we don’t even know exist!

  10. Just got a call from some police station near the Hudson River. The Macaw is in the drunk tank, along with one of the cats. They were found passed out together behind a tent at Chelsea’s wedding after smuggling themselves in with the super expensive porta-potties that were used for the event (they were in one of the marble sinks during transit). I’ve heard that there’s video of their antics on the internet somewhere. Once they dry out, they’ll be extradited to New Mexico, which the policeman on the Hudson thinks is a “foreign country, it’s even in the NAME, MA’AM, It’s new MEXICO, it’s right there in the name”. I have a call in to our govenor, Bill Richardson, but since he torpedoed Hillary and endorsed Barack, even after having superbowl cheetoes with Bill, I doubt that I’ll see my pretty macaw gal soon, and by then Opera season will be done and she’ll have to go back to waiting tables when she gets home. Nobody has seen the other cats, one of whom has ties to the Puerto Rican mafia, so it’s lucky I work for an animal shelter, I may have to re-stock.

  11. aword:

    I would reduce/replace flour with ground almonds and whipped egg whites. The result would be a type of chewy souffle, like one of those amaretti cookies you get in Italian bakeries.

  12. Hazel:

    I’ve seen many a fine macaw have their theater careers go down in flames because of the demon rum, or more especially the Manhattans, especially after the shows. The carrying on, the promiscuity, the one-night affairs with crows and seagulls roaming backstage after the shows–well, its all too sordid.

    But the Polaroids, and now the phone camera shots, are worth their weight in gold!

  13. Last night’s dreams were full of imagery I fear inspired by all this silly bru-haha!

    Just before sleep, I read another chapter from “Life of Pi” wherein the tiger is rescued from drowning waters being pulled by Pi into his life boat. Perhaps this reading had to do with the Hudson River saving Eric from the secret service and Madeliene.

    Then dreams were full of Alice in Wonderland rooms large then small, old friends as party guests and dust mites for recreation.

    Then in was marched a chocolate torte top encircled with many large and lovely maraschino cherries. Is that to do with the Part of Virgin?

    So much good laughter again this morning reading all your posts!

    Fe – have ye a recipe for homemade maraschino cherries? and/or the best wheatless dark-chocolate torte ever?

    Hazel – how I DO miss Santa Fe…I grab hungrily onto your every mention…..say hello to your macaw for me.

  14. Well, my macaw had her New Mexico driver’s license and since New Mexico will give a drivers license to an illegal immigrant then she’s probably in a lot of trouble about now, I told her travel was risky, but she thought that since she was headed East to New York and not West to Arizona, she’d be fine. The cats were concerned, well as concerned as cats get I guess, but they did have her boarding pass because she’s usually too drunk to remember where her stuff is. That’s why she doesn’t use her own wings to fly herself places, too much tequila reposado too early in the morning, if you catch her after 11:00 A.M., she’s just sloppy, slurring her words, it’s a shame, she’s a really good costumer for the opera here.

  15. ..some synchronicity, Book of lies..


    The Vigil of ST. Hubert

    In the forest God met the stag-beetle. “Hold! Worship me!” Quoth God. “For I am All-Great, All Good, All wise….the stars are but sparks from the forges of My smiths….”
    “Yea, verily and Amen” said the Stag-beetle, “all this do I believe, and devoutly.”
    “Then why do you not worship me?”
    “Because I am real and you are only imaginary.”
    But the leaves of the forest rustled with the laughter of the wind.
    Said Wind and Wood: “They neither of them know anything!”

    Love, and Peace


  16. I woke up and this was in my inbox from Amanda — and now, we can see why I stayed on my side of the Hudson River, which is thankfully a mile wide up here.


    Ok, even some of the ny times photo captions sound like your spoof:

    Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, center, and Terry McAuliffe, the former Democratic National Committee chairman, second from right, had lunch at Gigi Trattoria on Saturday afternoon. When the spotting got out, locals and photographers crowded onto the sidewalk around the restaurant, and teenage boys ran after Ms. Albright, seeking autographs.


    Ummmm, teenage boys are hot for madeleine albright??! Wow, rhinebeck has some really nerdy boys… [or 70 is the new 20 –ef]

    Former President Bill Clinton walked down the aisle with Chelsea. She had insisted her father lose weight before the ceremony. People close to the president said that by cutting out junk food and exercising more, he lost more than 20 pounds, going five pounds further than his daughter had ordered.

    Ordered???! Seriously? Yikes. [yes what do you expect, she is Hillary Clinton’s daughter]

    “I’m star-struck!” said Melodie Molinare, 50, the postmaster of Rhinebeck, as she stood on the packed street corner, held back by wooden police barricades. “I want to see them. I don’t have to touch them.”

    Gee, good thing she was specific about that last bit… Secret service might’ve had gotten a bit tetchy.


    Um or – “I only want to see them. I I don’t have to wipe my hands oh them.” -ef

  17. Hazel:

    I fear for your bird as a matter of national security.

    All macaws are considered illegal immigrants and will be detained and their macaw papers checked upon crossing over or in the vicinity of Arizona airspace.

  18. ..Dude, let’s steal a car and crash through the lawn..! It’ll be hella fun! Until.. oh shit! they’re at my door.. gotta run!!

  19. My macaw is missing, she was last seen boarding a plane for the wedding, hopped up on cannibis goat butter, the cats had her boarding pass and I’m worried that they won’t get to come home in time for Fiesta in Santa Fe. At least someone will be losing their virginity, I’d hate for this all to be a waste.

  20. the AP’s proofreader must be busy double-checking all the place cards for the reception dinner tables — i noticed the ulster county sheriff’s name is spelled two slightly different ways…


  21. and to think I almost missed reading this brilliant piece thinking… who the fuck cares..

    thank you to whoever wrote this—great fun !!

  22. Oh…and considering the rumors – whether Chelsea shows up at the Astor’s or not – we won’t expect to hear from you again until internet is restored to your area, or you can secretly hike past security at the PA border, sometime in the next few days.

  23. Thanks Eric!

    Due to the record number of mentions on news for the past couple of weeks (and how we are already past the point of laughing about it and closer to throwing up) I gleefully rushed into my daughter’s room this morning and announced “Chelea’s Getting Married!”

    We laughed ourselves silly – thanks for one more big guffaw!

    Loved your sex-counseling bit. Good stuff.

    (Actually, the whole affair had me jotting this “note to self” last night……’we have not been successful living in a “democracy” because we have not yet evolved out of our need to bow to royalty’.

  24. eric:

    I just about coughed my guts out laughing.

    Christ have mercy, this reads like the wedding prep for the daughter of a great dictator, or a mafia chieftain in Long Island.

  25. I was taking this as de troot, until I read this sentence: “General Electric removed all PCBs from the river for the weekend as a courtesy, but will restore the Hudson to its natural condition Monday after the last guests have left.”

    All the draconian measures described prior to that statement seemed perfectly in accord with events unfolding in these times. A cousin of mine emailed me a while ago that friends of hers had said that there were some ETs who could come and just use anti-gravity to remove pollution from the water. (*sigh*) But as far as I know those kind have not landed yet. (*snork*)

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