Eve of the Rabbit

by Amanda Painter

We’d had a blizzard that Wednesday, and on my way to the neighborhood coffee shop that morning to grab some breakfast the idea coalesced: a perfect winter day to cook up a cozy stew. I’d had a rabbit from the farmer’s market in my freezer for a while, but today suddenly felt like its day — solely based on the weather, with no conscious notice of the date.

photo by Eric

I found a recipe for rabbit cacciatore and entertained the notion of inviting one of my neighbors — a fellow actor from the play I just did — to dinner. He never replied, but I think that may have been just as well. Chatting online with a friend later that night, I realized a dinner guest might have made for a very different experience. That chat is what follows.

yes, this tiger ate rabbit on the eve of the new year

(haha for the chinese new year, he said)

it was not intentional, but i realized it after i’d already decided

i actually had rather a profound moment with it….. want to try to write about it, but not quite confident it will come out right

i’d forgotten the rabbit was not cut in pieces…. it was just this little frozen ball of meat
when i opened it and unfurled this whole critter,
so obviously rabbit in shape
its spine,,,, back legs,,, little front legs…
had to take a moment and breathe… some moments of silent gratitude to this creature

and then i had to start the task of cutting and splitting it with that knife you gave me
reached into it & realized
they do not put the innards into a tidy little bag
first one kidney, still slightly attached
this perfect, tiny, velvet-silken-smooth-soft oval

then the other
shiny shiny shiny shiny
oh my god so incredibly shiny and dark and small
then its liver
and what really got me:
its heart

still up in there in its chest, still attached by the thick main artery, so i had to pull it
so dark red, blood almost black and denser than the other organs
a hard-working muscle
it was still attached by that artery

and it reminded me of reading about the body-donation program at BU in the alumni magazine

the description of removing a person’s heart in this article
had made me think of my dad
(he gave his body to the local medical school after he died)

to reach in and remove a heart from any body, any creature………..

yeah…. this really felt like a real animal in those moments

(speechless, here, he said)

(this is making me think, if I couldn’t do that – I probably shouldn’t eat meat, he said)

yes…. and this was not even killing the animal
i did not have to see its eyes, feel its pulse
most people in our culture would have issues with it; we’re so divorced form what we’re eating

i consider myself still to be, to some extent

so, you know…. i let myself take my time with it and feel a little

acknowledge the animal with my heart and soul
and then i continued to cut it into pieces, cook it and eat it
photographed its innards on the cutting board partly out of fascination
the light shining on those too-smooth kidneys

a different phase of the experience, but i don’t think it cheapened it — my fascination with it;
really, they had a certain beauty to them, just as objects as well

(well this rather primal and spiritual, he said)

yes
i would say so
felt that way to me

(i can feel you from here, he said)

*deep breath*
thanks

(an initiation, he said)

yes, i guess so.

4 thoughts on “Eve of the Rabbit”

  1. Nice! My dad also donated his body to our local medical school. When I was in my bachelor’s program years before his death, I studied anatomy and physiology and dissected in the lab where his body would eventually be taken. Because of this I could picture most of the steps my father’s body would go through in readying it for dissection. When they finished with his body it was cremated and his ashes returned to me. What I remember most about my dissection lab was the beauty of the cadavers and my appreciation of their gift of knowledge.

  2. I had met a fellow traveler in Vietnam that was at the crossroads about eating meat. She was of the opinion that if she were to continue to feed on meat, she would initiate herself into the death of at least one animal; by killing it. I understood

  3. thank you for this. Recounting sacred experience is not easy, but we sure do need more of it………. I am grateful.

Leave a Comment