By Maria Padhila
Back at the beginning of this year, Franklin Veaux, a singularly astute and knowledgeable writer on relationships, put up an essay: “Polyamory: Some thoughts on rules.”
Since then, the idea of rules vs. boundaries has bubbled up both in forums where Veaux has been writing and speaking and among other poly forums and commentators.
I’ve found it really interesting myself. It’s a long piece, but I’d even call it required reading for relationships. Even monogamous ones — do you have a rule that your significant other can’t go to strip clubs, for instance? Read this.
The point is not, not, not to convince you you’re wrong about having rules or standards. You and your significant might still decide strip clubs aren’t for you, but after working through the processes and techniques outlined here, the difference is that you’ll understand why — and you may also decide that you aren’t going to buy electronics made in China, for instance.
Veaux came to the topic, he says, because he himself finds relationships tend to work better when not under what he calls “a codex of regulations that would make a bureaucrat blush.”
Being from Washington, D.C., I can assure Mr. Veaux that bureaucrats have no shame, but yeah, I can agree. His position is still contrarian, however, when you consider that for most people thinking of polyamory, laying down the ground rules is the first rule they’re given by others. Veaux writes: