By Maria Padhila
Most people know the ‘one black friend’ or the ‘one gay friend’ phenomenon. That’s what happens to a lot of folks who are black or gay and have some friends from outside that group. The friend from outside suddenly encounters another black person or gay person at work, or in a social group, or because one of their straight friends also has a One Gay Friend, and decides that this new person would be “just perfect for so-and-so!”
Not because they both love grits, True Blood and traveling to dressage competitions in their spare time. Not even because they’re the same age or have the same taste in novels. But because they’re both black. Or because they’re both gay. Because all of ‘you people’ get along automatically, right? You all like each other right away, right? You have this certain vibratory frequency that just, like, harmonizes, so any date with another gay person will be a smashing success and you’ll end up getting ‘gay married’ someday!
It’s pretty hilarious (or disheartening) that this still happens nowadays, and even among people who you’d think are not so provincial. Back when I was young, and I was the One White Friend, it once or twice even happened to me, or to my parents, who were thrown together at table pretty often with people they had nothing in common with — maybe they didn’t even speak the same language. This is also a hazard with trying to fix up your One Black Friend (the French teacher from Mississippi may not even be able to communicate with your friend’s One Black Friend from Bahia, sorry to tell you).
It’s silly and hurtful because it reduces an individual to a single characteristic. If you’d like some further elucidation on this one — or if you just want to fall out laughing (and maybe crying) for about a half hour, check out yoisthisrascist.com, a blog that ‘splains it all.
Now nothing of that kind of consequence or offensiveness has happened to me as a result of being poly. I’m not comparing what goes on with us to the vicious level of racism or gay hate. But am I saying that I think it’s offensive if a friend tried to fix me up with someone? Yes, if it reveals that this friend sees me only as a representative of a certain characteristic, and not as a whole person. At the same time, you don’t want other people to ignore this part of you — it’s part of who you are.