By Maria Padhila
I’m a little shaky writing this, so I’m hoping readers will forgive in advance any shakiness in construction or expression. I’m still traveling, and today I faced driving in the mountains. I have a driving phobia. It’s a combination of hyper-vigilance — I’m too aware of everything that can go wrong — PTSD, and just plain messed-up brain. I do various behavioral techniques to deal with it, and on a day-to-day basis, they work. On a road with a drop to a river on one side and sheer rock on the other, they don’t.
I won’t take drugs for it — once, a therapist suggested Xanax. I countered with the suggestion that perhaps instead I try two shots of bourbon before getting on the road. Even if I weren’t sure that drugs like that aren’t for me, it seems ridiculously irresponsible to drive under the influence of what’s essentially tricked-out Valium, even if it is legally prescribed.
Isaac, because of his disability, can’t drive, so he’s stuck with me, as I scream and curse and hyperventilate when the going gets tough. The campground where we’d been promised wireless didn’t have it, so it was back in the car to find a café. I highly recommend the Terminal Brewpub in Chattanooga, which serves mostly locally sourced hippie food, and I wish I could relax and enjoy it, but I’m still shaky. The three-hour panic attack set off on a talking jag over dinner that had me going into all kinds of awful memories, like the time a dear colleague and friend and I were working under a blatant harasser and she was told she was supposed to “put up with it, you’re in a tough business.”
(On top of that, we were doing all his work for him, while he pulled down big checks. Such was life.) I am glad most of that is in the past, though it obviously continues to inform my behavior and emotions.
Perhaps some coffee will help, right? Great idea! I’m not looking forward to the drive back to the campground. But I am looking forward to the tent and the cicadas and the clear, rain-free night.
When I checked my email earlier, I had a message from Planet Waves about a suit filed by Kody Brown, the guy from the reality show Sister Wives. I haven’t seen it, but people on email lists and blogs about polyamory that I follow talk about it.