By Maria Padhila
Let’s do sex first, then politics: There’s a wrapup rating different Internet dating sites and methods for polyamorists on Alan P.’s Polyamorous Percolations blog. The really good part is it has an international perspective, with advice from South Africa included. I often feel bad that I have such an American concentration on this blog, when I know the people of the Planet Waves community are reading in locations far and wide. So hey, if you would like to host an amateur polyamory scholar to learn how it’s done in your home town, just let me know and I’ll book a flight, OK? Especially if your home town is a beach town.
Now the politics: I’m still immersed in working and being ill, but I do try to keep up with the papers. About a week ago, a headline about “envy” caught my eye; I’m interested in envy and jealousy because these issues are the second biggest ones in polyamory. (The first biggest issue is whether to use Google calendar or iCal.)
There are a few polyamorous people who say “I don’t get jealous.” And there are a few among that subset who are not either new to it or lying. I actually don’t get jealous because I am too busy feeling unwanted; I see jealousy as a kind of step up, an assertation of desireability, because after all, isn’t it saying, in effect, “I’m just as good as X is, so why not me?” But my shadow is not the typical one.
One of the most common things polyamorists will recommend is that you admit your jealousy, own it, understand it, get to know it, and find multiple strategies for dealing with it. These solutions can range from the practical to the profound (for the latter, take a look at the always re-readable “Jealousy and the Abyss” by William Pennell Rock, an essay Eric has long made available to all, not just subscribers, because of its mind-changing potential).