Editor’s Note: Every Saturday, we run a column by Maria Padhila on a relationship-based theme, usually focused on polyamory or what some call responsible nonmonogamy. In case you’re wondering why we do this on an astrology website, the answer is ‘just because’ — we’ve been on these topics since the very first days Planet Waves existed. — efc
By Maria Padhila
A woman at a local poly dinner told me: “I don’t have any more relationships than someone who’s monogamous. I just never break up with anyone.”
To me, that chain of one, plus one, plus one would be one of the happiest aspects of polyamory. I don’t like losing people. With the exception of two abusive psychos — and they were doozies — and one person who felt it was too painful to continue to see me — I’ve managed to stay friends, at least, with exes. There are a few I wouldn’t mind having ongoing relationships with, though I’d never presume to impose that on them or on their present partners.
Even the short-term or one-off events, the ones you part from with both of you thinking, well, um, that wasn’t really such a great idea — even these people manage to be kind and polite when we meet socially. I can’t imagine having a real flameout, burn the bridges, months of pain goodbye. At my age, I really couldn’t stand it — not so much because of the drama and stress, but because having these people in my life is too much of a gift, too precious, to cut anyone off entirely.
Ironically, it was Isaac I almost parted from forever, once, when I was much younger, and I thought it would be something I could live through. I had moved, and I didn’t want a long-distance friendship. I wanted to be with him as a lover or not at all. And after almost a year apart, that’s what happened. I came home giggling and margaritaed after a several-days-long work stretch, ready to finish off a night off with a fun guy I’d been seeing, and hit the blinking light on the answering machine. We had those back then. It was Isaac, and the message was, in effect, that this is bullshit, let’s be together. Fun Guy raised his eyebrows and said “well,” and hopped on his skateboard and darted away.