Editor’s Note: Every Saturday, we run a column by Maria Padhila on a relationship-based theme, usually focused on polyamory or what some call responsible nonmonogamy. In case you’re wondering why we do this on an astrology website, the answer is ‘just because’ — we’ve been on these topics since the very first days Planet Waves existed. — efc
By Maria Padhila
I lurk on a couple of poly email lists where I find a lot of support just reading about what others are going through, and how they’re working through their problems (or not). I just lurk — I don’t have to write anything. There are enough people there who are ready to respond, who have lots of experience and know what they’re talking about.
Two women in particular on one of these lists are remarkably eloquent, empathetic and easygoing, a hat trick few in the online world can manage. They stand up for their own viewpoints without being trolls about it; they can accept other perspectives besides their own. It (along with this site) restores my faith in online discourse when I see people who can respond like this.
Once one of the women, Devon, mentioned her long-distance relationship. I’ve always been interested in these. I have two best women friends — one knows about my poly life, and one doesn’t. The one who doesn’t, Sylvie, has one of the longest-running long-distance relationships I’ve ever heard of. They have been monogamous for 15 years. On top of living about 1,500 miles away from each other, they spend much of their time together traveling. They work in bursts and then take off, and then go back to work again. They know all the tricks from hosteling to airline ticket discounts to couch surfing (often at Isaac’s and my place, and we love having them here, as does our daughter.). Her boyfriend is great fun as well as being highly principled, but not in your face about it. One of the reasons he works on the move now is that his union workplace was busted down after a prolonged strike, and he wouldn’t be a scab or support the management in any way, even today.
It hurts not to let Sylvie know what’s going on — she has seen so much with me and helped me through so much over the years. At the same time, she was once betrayed and hurt very badly, and has come out of the generation that feels so let down by their parents and relatives cheating and splitting up. I think she would see it as just more of the same. Maybe sometime I’ll tell her.