I was digging through the archives — the ones you get access to as a subscriber — and came across this golden oldie. Back when I was working for Jonathan Cainer, Planet Waves published a spoof on his horoscope column.
The joke is that normally, I would write his column when he went on vacation. In this edition, he stands in for me — and since he is an ardent vegetarian or is it vegan, this is a horoscope with an agenda.
Here it is…and some day I’ll ask Tracy from Serennu.com (who was there, and who was also a vegetarian at the time) to tell the story of when he discovered that I had cooked chicken in his kitchen, not knowing his sentiments around meat. He wanted no part of my theory that chicken is a quick-moving vegetable…
THOUGHT OF THE DAY
ERIC FRANCIS HAS POPPED off to Calcutta for the weekend unexpectedly and has left me at the helm of his weekly horoscope on five minutes notice, which is more than enough time for me. Like everything, I see this as an opportunity to spread good vibes and get a few thousand more people to make the most of life. However, confidentially of course, I must share something that’s always bothered me about the zodiac: it’s made up entirely of animals. Astrology is an animal product, an issue about which I have not breathed a word in 20 years of being the world’s foremost vegetarian astrologer. What the world needs now is a vegetarian horoscope, and since I have you to experiment on this week, and since nobody is going to believe it’s really me writing this, I’m going to see if I can have a go at that. I dare not say anything like this in my own column, since many of my readers are so very fond of beef and kidney pie. But since Planet Waves readers are accustomed to Eric Francis mouthing off about every social injustice under the Sun, this seemed to be the place to let my hair down.
Aries (March 20-April 19)
Now you know what it feels like to take a ride in a peashooter. You just sit back, relax, take it easy, and then: phhooooo! Suddenly everything changes. A total solar eclipse shows up in your birth sign. In a moment flat, you’re careening across the universe at a speed far greater than nature ever intended for you; you have travelled further than you ever imagined you ever would in less time than you ever dreamed possible. After all, you’re a pea, and you were not designed to go more than approximately zero miles per hour. Flying this fast is, for you, the vegetable equivalent of propelling a human being at three times the speed of light. But don’t worry, because soon enough, you’ll land, you’ll settle down, and you’ll start to grow and many more peas will begin to appear all around you, and you’ll just love it. Sometimes, if you want to do everything, all you have to do is nothing. You think you know what you want! We know what you really want! Call 0900-000-0000 to find out what it is.
Taurus (April 19-May 20)
If yours is the sign of cows, bulls and steer, it must also be the sign of grass. This makes perfect sense, since Taurus is an earthy sign and the grass grows right from the Earth. So on the deepest level, yours is the sign of sod — that soft, luxurious stuff that feeds the true ‘sodding’ beast you are deep inside. Cows that eat grass are healthier than those that eat other animals, and they run no risk of getting ‘mad cow’ disease. The way things have been going lately, it would not surprise me if you’ve felt a bit like a herd of mad cows on a stampede; so, I suggest you find yourself a little green turf, pack a big salad in your deluxe, four-star picnic basket, and veg out under a tree for a while. That awesome apartment you were looking at last week came through, but the guy lost your phone number and couldn’t call you back. We’ll connect you, just call 0900-000-0000.
Gemini (May 20-June 21)
All Geminis are natural born vegetarians — you live on coffee. And if you don’t actually live on the stuff, you act like you do. I don’t mean to be too much of a health food purist, but coffee is not what you could properly call a vegetable. In fact, it makes you act kind of like an animal, but then, if the world didn’t have your relentless, high-energy, 17-hour-per-day multitasking capabilities to rely on so dependably, absolutely nothing at all would get done. Just remember, you’re secretly a tea person. No matter what you accomplish or how long it takes or how many days on end you have to work to get there, you relish that moment when you can settle down for a perfect pot of Earl Grey on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Just remember, don’t squeeze the bag into the cup. Last night I was talking to myself and that reminded me of you! Call 0800-000-0000 for the exciting details of the conversation!