This is in reply to a post right below Aunt Sarah.
Dear Indrani:
I’ve been thinking about your post all day. Well, really, a lot longer. I gave you top billing because so many people experience this situation you describe, or something like it. I think there are a few things going on. I began to notice this in my astrology practice years ago, and among my coolest, kindest male friends. People with, or getting, their act together could not find partners. I have also noticed that the more focused I became, the more successful, the less emotionally messed up, the less access I had; the more challenging it was to find a relationship. At many phases in my 20s and 30s I was a sex magnet. I don’t think it was merely that I was younger. For quite a while as a I grew and began to work stuff out, I seemed to have ever less access. So I’ve been watching this one for a while.
The first question I had for you after reading your post, and I would appreciate if you would respond, is: what would constitute acceptable, good, or great sex for you? Would you please give me some examples of situations that would have you in a position where you would say yes? Can you describe what you want? You don’t need to give all the gushy details, but please describe circumstances that you either desire, or that would pass muster. This can be for the ‘just sex’ part, or some relational situation that would work.
Okay, now for my theory. I think that as we grow and build integrity, we install filters. These prevent certain people from getting through. The old circumstances that might have worked (or not worked so well, but resulted in sex) in the past no longer work.
You’re Hindu so you may think of it as related to karma: the more of your own karma you work off, the less tolerance you may have for those who have not, and whose stuff you don’t want to take on. A lot and I do mean a LOT of karma is potentially transmitted in sex, as everything from the potential for pregnancy to STDs to commitments to weird stuff on the nonphysical. Part of growth will, with any luck, be about filtering this out. Said in one sentence, the less integrity you have, the easier it is to find sex. But most of the stuff that’s going around is not the good stuff; it’s a kind of substitute.
Therefore the people with integrity who appreciate sex and are willing to give sex and not just get it, or withhold it, need to speak up; need to step up and GIVE what they have; what we have. I’ve long wondered about how everyone seems to want to get sex. Who thinks about the sex they want to share? Okay with a steady partner, yes, but what about outside that context?