Dear Friend and Reader:
Preparations are now underway for all things to end at 6:11 am EST on Friday, when 2012 actually happens.
Despite a number of recent setbacks, The End of the World was proceeding on schedule for Dec. 21, according to a long-standing plan previously known only to astrologers and people who ate a lot of mushrooms.
The original proposal was set in motion 1,871,995 days ago by a tiny cabal of shaggy-haired coca-chewing aborigines with mathematical skills eminently superior to other local savages and all future civilizations.
“Man, those guys could count,” said the late Terence McKenna, who first turned the world onto 12/21/12 in his 1974 book The Invisible Landscape, speaking via a CD left in a time capsule for this moment, which was recently dug up next to his old apartment in Hawaii.
“By the way, this whole thing was a joke. We actually put that writing on the stairs at Chichen Itza,” he said in the recording.
Corporations Prepare for the Worst
Despite this fact, as of press time, sources confirmed that the world was still Ending. Companies were proceeding with their preparations. Walt Disney Productions on Friday filed 70,456 lawsuits against U.S. and international media, claiming copyright infringement in all uses of the phrase, “The End of the World,” and various derivatives, such as “World Ending,” “It’s Over,” and “Oh, Well.”