Dear Friend and Reader:
Federal laws are being proposed today toВ stem the tide of EWS (Emailing While Sleeping), a disturbing, dangerousВ andВ growing type of somnambulism affecting millions of computer-addicted adults across the country. This new form makes sleepers in deep REM stateВ get up out of bed, turn on their computers, log on to their email accounts and send out everything from party invitations to love notes to hate mail.
Sleep experts and legislative analysts from Smeer-Lactosis & Grim (SL&G), a Washington DC-based, K-Street lobbying firm had this to say:
“We’ve heard anecdotal evidenceВ from large numbers of people emailing out invitations to do everything from sorting hell holes out with dinner and drinks, wine and caviar only, toВ a ‘come toВ a naked in front of all your relatives party, Freud and Jung-optional attire’. Needless to say, this has wrecked havoc on the 18-34 year-oldВ demographic population, which sees any variety of reason to hold an all-night party orВ rave as a serious invitation, particularly if its done on Evite. This leads to mass confusion, fear, hysteria and ultimately, screws with your Blackberry calendar function.”
TheВ SL&G advisor continued, “The ramifications of not doing anything could be severe”.
To attack the growing epidemic, SL&GВ is workingВ with members of CongressВ onВ an anti-sleepwalking stimulus bill on its way through committee right now. “We need to attachВ an EWSВ clause to any new highway or virtual superhighway legislationВ in congress from here on out. Everyone is sleeping through life. We hope this will wake them up.”
“After all,” theВ SL&G adviser concluded, “you can never tell whether an email party В invitation isВ legitimate. SPAM filters do not yet have the capability to recognize and filter out an e-mail sent by someoneВ in theВ REM state.”