By Maria Padhila
I know I can go it alone. It’s not that I need to see that there are people like me out there. But it sure makes you feel good to see it once in a while.
Like the other night. I was watching a web series on the computer, and saw a woman cuddled up with her boyfriend — soon to be her husband — on the couch, on New Year’s Eve. They were talking about her other boyfriend, who was out partying, having his idea of fun. They preferred staying home. They talked about him a little bit, speculating on what a good time he was having. Then she sighed and rested her head on his leg. “I love him so much,” she said. “I know,” he said, smiling down at her. And they both dozed off.
A few nights before, I’d been going out with Isaac and Chris to a party. I’d been so busy with other things — mostly dealing with our daughter — that I hadn’t had time to make my costume. I was sticking myself in the ass with safety pins, trying to turn myself into a naughty Santa’s elf, while I remembered that I had to call my friend and let her know we were heading over, and I wanted to make sure Chris had something to eat, and did Isaac have his ticket? And I didn’t have my makeup on yet. I had promised that I’d be ready in 10 minutes, but as Chris had snarked, “that was a lot longer than 10 minutes.” Isaac was staying remarkably calm in the face of my dithering, helping with the safety pins and then, at Chris’s suggestion, actually stapling the fake fur to my costume while I was wearing it, which, surprisingly, worked really well.
When we got outside, Chris decided to take his own car rather than ride with us. As Isaac and I set off, I was grumping about how if Chris was so worried about the time, he should have just taken his own car and left earlier, why was he being all like that, he seemed like he was mad at me, etc. I looked at Isaac at a stoplight, and he smiled and said: “He loves you. Anyone can see that. He’s not mad at you.”
And right after that, the phone rang, and it was Chris telling me to watch out for a road closure up ahead.
So I know how these moments can be so ordinary and so world-rocking at the same time. You can feel like you’re living in a dream sometimes when you’re different. And then you see it on a screen, with other people, and you think, there, I’m not so strange after all. It’s OK. Someone else out there can appreciate these kinds of moments without thinking they’re weird or perverse. Like that craving to see the “gay kiss” that turns into such a big deal on TV — you just want to see a couple who look like you and love each other kiss each other when they get home from work and act, well, normal.
The web series is called “Family,” and it was filmed in 2009. It’s the story of a woman and two men living in Seattle in an open V — they’re committed but free to see others. And of course there are plenty of friends and relatives and other adventures along the way. I intended to watch just a few, but I felt so at home with it that I had to see more.
Don’t get the wrong idea — the series is more than a feel-good exercise in poly propaganda, even though it’s been shown and featured at numerous poly events. It’s an early adopter web series (one started early in the trend) with a volunteer cast and crew, but the result is really polished and absolutely addictive.
That makes sense, because creator Terisa Greenan’s identity is as much filmmaker and actress as it is polyamorist. The show grew out of her desire to work with the then-pretty-new medium of the web series, one that’s accessible and appealing to a lot of independent filmmakers and writers. Her partners who live with her appeared in the series, and another partner who lives with his wife and child nearby became a co-creator and continued to work with her on other projects not about polyamory. His name is Matt Bullen and his blog, Polyamory Next Door. To You. makes great reading; he’s got a really appealing voice and anyone interested in how having a child fits in with all this would probably enjoy reading it.
I originally intended to write about movies featuring polyamory or open relationships, because I like to binge on movies and theater when I have a little time off over the holidays. But watching a web series is just as appealing—and free. If you have some downtime in front of your computer over the holidays and want something good to watch, check out Family. Because there are so many series out there, I also asked Greenan to recommend a few good ones; her list is at the end of this.
After I managed to tear myself away from the episodes, Greenan gave me an email interview. She told me, “I never intended to do a show about polyamory. I wanted to try a web series because it seemed to be the format of the moment — what all indie filmmakers were doing at the time. I only did the show about polyamory because I did the show about my life. And I did the show about my life because it was what I thought would be easiest for me to write about.” I think her answers are interesting to anyone trying something creative, in love or in art.
What was the biggest thing you learned in the course of making the series?
I learned so much during the course of making the show. I don’t know if I can choose one thing. I learned technical things about filmmaking — too numerous to mention and too boring for anyone but a filmmaker to be interested in. I learned that I have an incredible network of supportive people in my life who believe in me and in my creative pursuits. I learned that the television industry is sly and manipulative and that everyone in it is only interested in their own self-propulsion. I learned that I have more stamina than I thought I did. I learned I have less patience than I thought I did.
What was the biggest challenge?
The biggest challenge was probably scheduling. I set myself a daunting goal — two episodes per month for a full year — and to keep that up was exhausting and grueling. And trying to schedule cast and crew for shoots when nobody was getting paid and everyone had a day job was… well, challenging is an understatement.
And what’s your favorite episode (hard to say, I know).
Not that hard, actually. Episode #13, “Sleepless in Seattle,” has always been one of my very favorite episodes.
Do you have a favorite movie with poly themes?
I like movies that are poly-positive but don’t necessarily make anything of it, like “Bandits.” That’s one of my favorite treatments of polyamory in a movie.
Do you want to share some of your personal relationship story?
Been with Scott for 14 years and Larry for 12 years. Larry and Scott and I are all heterosexual, so we are in a V triad — they are just friends. We are an open poly triad, meaning we are all free to have outside lovers as well, and we do. Larry has three other girlfriends currently; Scott has one; I have one boyfriend. Scott and Larry and I have lived together for 11 years in Seattle. We consider ourselves life partners. We were all three married and monogamous before meeting each other. We are all artists. Scott is a novelist, Larry is a violinist, and I am an actress and filmmaker. Scott and Larry both had roles in “Family.” Larry was Jim, the news reporter [and he did some very good acting — MP], and Scott was Grant, the homeless guy [great hair! — MP]. My other boyfriend, Matt, co-wrote some of the episodes with me.
What was the creative process involved in episodes? Was there improvisation, either during or before? What kind of collaboration — or not — came about?
There was much collaboration between me and Matt after he came on board around Episode #8. Before that it was all me — plus, Episode #13 is all mine. There was really not very much input from the actors. They were welcome to contribute and did occasionally, but not hugely. Mostly, we stuck to the scripts, which had been honed before the actors came in to the shoot.
Here’s the question every writer/creator dreads: Which one of them is ‘you’? Who is so-and-so based on? Have you had to deal with those kinds of autobiographical assumptions, and how did you tackle them?
I’ve come right out and said from the start that the show is “loosely based on my real life,” so nobody has had to guess at that. What I mean by “loosely” is that the three main characters are based on me, Scott and Larry and our core personality traits, but that the events that happen to the characters are fictional.
How do you feel that the web series medium has changed or grown?
Well, they’ve become like anything else, now. Everyone has one, even major celebrities, big name actors. Web series have big funding now; it’s pretty hilarious, actually. They’ve been co-opted by Hollywood, like everything else.
I love how the series starts out with her dating yet another guy — and the guys are OK with that. Did you feel people had a problem with this? One of the big things that comes up for me is that I’m being “selfish” or “greedy” with two — and two should be enough. Ever get that kind of talk?
Oh, sure. But I have long contended that much of the negative talk from the “haters” about polyamory comes from a place of jealousy. I still believe that. I firmly believe that many or most of the people who say we are being selfish or greedy are simply jealous that they don’t have what we have.
The series started a few years back, and it feels as if things have changed so quickly. How do you feel things have changed for polyamory and its acceptance in America? Looking back, would you change what you created?
Polyamory has mainstreamed so much just in the past three years since the series began. And I think the show had something to do with that. I would not change a single thing about how or when I created it.
What are the actors doing now? What are you up to?
Amber Rack (Gemma) is still acting in theater and film and is also now a licensed massage therapist. Ernie Joseph (Ben) acts in just about every independent film that shoots in Seattle. Seriously, he may be the workingest actor in town. Eric Smiley (Stuart) is still in town styling hair and attending Burning Man every year, as far as I know. I just finished directing a documentary about American author Robert Clark Young, called “Someday You.” It is submitted to film festivals and will hopefully be released somewhere next year.
And here are Terisa Greenan’s web series picks — comedies all. If you’re lucky enough to get some vacation, enjoy! And maybe it would be interesting just to casually watch a few “Family” episodes on the family computer while you’re at home visiting…
I think envy is a big part of it. In our culture of “more is better,” anyone who has more of anything (stuff, money, love, sex, attention) will seem more fortunate. There’s also the belief that the pie of available love is finite so anyone taking more is by definition taking FROM someone else’s piece.
Both these paradigms are man-made ones. It isn’t true that “more is better” or that if you have more love or sex or attention it means there’s less for the rest of us. That’s a Big Lie that is attached to the “more is better” lie.
It is the same flawed argument which thinks that allowing polyamory or gay marriage somehow damages heteronormative, monogamous families. That is such limited thinking and we would all be better off if such thinking were to end.
How is Maria’s having two men in her life mean she is more attractive or desirable than someone who has only one person in their life? It doesn’t mean that but our society is set up to see it that way. How limiting and narrow that is.
That’s the reason people feel envy and hostility toward poly folks and it can be changed. There’s plenty of the love-pie for all of us. Really. In fact the more we accept poly families, the more love we will all feel.
Thank you so much for this article, Maria – it was, as always, engaging and thought-provoking.
Alexander – “In fact, we don’t have to go so far as to suggest the sexual multiplicity aspect to be either deviant or else Avant Garde. The very notion of self exploration is radical enough in our civilized societies.”
Here, here! Yes. The last taboo, imo.
As an aside, my 19 year old nephew walked up behind me and started reading over my shoulder, interested in the content. (I think it was the description of being stuck in the ass with safety pins in the pursuit of becoming a naughty Santa’s elf that caught his eye!) I told him the column was written by a woman who shared her life with two men: “It’s called ‘polyamory’, sweetheart.” Without a beat, he replied, “Poly-*fun*!” Not to say that it is always fun, but his unquestioning acceptance of a different lifestyle was heartening.
Thanks for this Maria. Fascinating and inspiring, had no idea about web series.
This article really got me thinking, Maria. I’m not always sure that is a good thing! 😉
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I love how the series starts out with her dating yet another guy — and the guys are OK with that. Did you feel people had a problem with this? One of the big things that comes up for me is that I’m being “selfish” or “greedy” with two — and two should be enough. Ever get that kind of talk?
Oh, sure. But I have long contended that much of the negative talk from the “haters” about polyamory comes from a place of jealousy. I still believe that. I firmly believe that many or most of the people who say we are being selfish or greedy are simply jealous that they don’t have what we have.
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I notice you did not use the word ‘jealousy’ but Terisa did – and that what she is really describing is envy. This is not nitpicking by the way. In fact, the misnomer clued me into something quite revealing about polyamory and potential misunderstandings of it generally.
Jealousy tends to speak much more of possession/ownership motifs in relationship where envy speaks more of boredom and possibly at times a resentment that springs from said boredom. Jealousy also harbors more overt sentiment around sexual domestication, where envy very often has little sexual unction behind it.
This made me think a little more about your opening paragraphs re your own set up, Maria.
It’s funny how Terisa, who is on the inside of polyamory, seems to suggest a sexual aspect of response in non-polyamorists to the purported benefits of a multiple arrangement. While I agree that this stereotypical view may carry a reasonable degree of accuracy one wonders if there isn’t something else going on in non-polyamorist hostility and, moreover, in polyamory choices per se that attract the hostility.
Our culture seems fixated upon whether an individual can fit their SEXUALITY into a single relationship and the whole debate seems to get sucked into that vortex. Is the deeper truth really more akin to whether a person can fit their PSYCHOLOGY into a single relationship? With the addendum question being around whether one’s own psychology can be roundly enough explored WITHOUT sexual expression?
So effectively, we might construe things positively (rather than as AGAINST the prevailing culture) by suggesting that heteronormativity forces self-exploration into very narrow, controlling and conditioned parameters that exclude multiple synchronous sexual contracts.
In fact, we don’t have to go so far as to suggest the sexual multiplicity aspect to be either deviant or else Avant Garde. The very notion of self exploration is radical enough in our civilized societies..
As Eric has sloganized so effectively “It’s not about sex, it’s about self”..