There Is No Shame In Respect

By Annabelle Berrios

Yesterday afternoon, I watched the video of what happened two days ago at the Republican National Convention when Zoraida Fonalledas, the National Committeewoman for Puerto Rico and chairwoman of the party’s permanent organization committee, took her turn at the main stage lectern. It was her turn to speak. She could not. She tried. Her voice on the microphone made a few attempts to penetrate the group chant: “U-S-A!”

Was that her own voice on the microphone briefly joining in the very chant that disregarded her presence at the lectern?

According to her statement to NBC Latino, it was. Were there really crowds of people standing, some pushing their fists in the air, others throwing their fists toward the lectern?

Did I really see Ms. Fonalledas look to her left to the RNC chairman for support? Did the chairman really need to consult with the man standing next to him before stepping up to the podium and calling for order? The whole scene hurts to watch. You may interpret my questions as expressing doubt. They do not. They reflect my shock and dismay that this happened. If I hadn’t seen the video I may have been able to make excuses. But I watched the video. I feel like this single act of pushing ‘play’ created a responsibility to respond, not only as a Puerto Rican woman, as a citizen of the United States, or even as a voter in the upcoming elections, but as a human being with access to emotional as well as intellectual intelligence.

“Please give her the respect to give her report,” the RNC Chairman insisted as the crowd resisted, while he beat his gavel repeatedly.

We can agree on one thing — Ms. Fonalledas was grossly disrespected. There only appears to be a dispute as to whether or not the disrespect was racially motivated. Instead of arguing one way or another, I propose that each person watch the video and ask themselves, ‘what do I see?’ To really look and listen deeply, not just with their eyes and ears, but with their bodies, guts and hearts. In the solitude of your room, or office, just between you, the pen and the paper, write what you really feel when you watch this.

To clarify, what I am suggesting is to write down what you sense in your body (i.e., contraction in your belly) and what emotions arise (i.e., hopelessness, frustration), not what you think (your theories and opinions about what happened). You don’t have to show anyone what you write, but at least you can tell yourself what is true for you. I suspect that even if you do not interpret the incident as racially motivated, you may perceive some strong feelings there anyway. If so, are you in touch with what that is about?

I say this because it took me hours to write these lines, even as I told myself I had the choice not to share them, and this points to a larger issue — internalizing the censure of others. Before I started writing these words, someone wrote me: “y’all are silly,” which, given the context, I understood meant “you all Hispanics”.

Why exactly are ‘we all’ silly? For wanting respect? For bringing to light the existence of a very real wound that has to do with ethnicity and race? I could stomp around my room for a few minutes and let that be the end of it. Yet, by doing that, what message am I giving out to…myself? That it’s hopeless? That it’s not important? That the ‘classy’ thing to do is to let it go? That the opinion of ‘experts’ is more believable than my own? No! Who decides the merits of having this conversation? Each one of us does. That is our right and our responsibility as citizens. No one can silence our truth unless we let them. It is up to us to bring it up for consideration and dialogue.

In Greek mythology, there is a story of a princess named Cassandra, who was reputed to be beautiful, charming and intelligent. The oracular god Apollo, who was smitten with her, granted her the gift of prophecy; however, when she did not return his affections, he cursed her so no one would believe her predictions. How does this play out in our world?

Well, I submit that when you read the Editor’s Note in Harper’s, which only repeats what was reported in Buzzfeed and what the RNC spokesperson said to Fox News Latino after the fact, you allow yourself to have your own opinion. If you find that something bothers you about what you see in the video, don’t minimize it. What do you trust more, what you perceive with your own senses, or what someone else says about it? If something bothers you, there is something to that, there is a perceived wrong that wants your attention. Look for the gift. Just because a contrary view is mass disseminated, standing alone, does not make it true.

Also, I encourage looking at what else is happening at the convention. There was another incident reported, where two people were thrown out after throwing nuts at a black CNN camerawoman and saying, “This is how we feed the animals.”

How do you feel about that happening?

In his piece for Harper’s, Jack Hitt wrote: “The chanting carried on for nearly a minute while most of the other delegates and the media stood by in stunned silence.

The Puerto Rican correspondent turned to me and asked, ‘Is this happening?'”

I write because no matter why it happened, what happened two days ago really happened, and it bears acknowledgment. Regardless of why Ms. Fonalledas’s presence at the lectern was not met with respect, the video speaks for itself: it was not.

I write because I see these events as an opportunity to openly address and discuss issues of respect and diversity (ranging from diversity of opinion to diversity of racial and ethnic backgrounds) without shame. Just because we look away, it doesn’t mean the issues go away. This is classic denial. Please, don’t just dismiss these stories and go back to sleep. If we are to work in support of the emotional health of this country, we need to pay attention to what doesn’t work. There is obviously pain here. Are we going to ignore the symptoms?

Furthermore, in light of all the violence we hear about in the newspapers, is it really that much to ask our politicians, those who help elect our nation’s leaders, to set an example of respect and civility, in spite of heated emotions? While everyone is entitled to their feelings, there is always a choice to respond, nor react, from a place of respect.

Everyone’s feelings merit respect.

Ray Suarez, in PBS Newshour, wrote: “Fonalledas is a big girl, and didn’t need to be saved from GOP bullies. Just thought you ought to know.” ‘Big girl.’ Hm. What is does that mean? Does that mean that a ‘big girl’ (again, ask yourself, are these words of respect or condescension?) is one who disconnects from the range of feelings that naturally arise when her words are forcefully silenced? Is maturity equated with disassociation from reality? Is this public encouragement to stuff true feelings that say ‘this is not OK’ for fear of being shamed? Again, I encourage you to look at the video.

Look at Ms. Fonalledas’s body language — look at her face, the way the corners of her lips jut straight down towards her chin, corner of the eyes curling down as well, hands pressed together in front of her. What do you see? Mimic her body language in your own body. What emotions does that evoke? Perhaps another useful conversation to have openly and publicly is the conversation about shame, because, like disrespect, it’s become so normalized, I wonder whether most of us recognize it when we see it.

Annabelle Berrios is a writer and improvisational theater artist living in Berkeley, CA. She has a law degree from Boston College Law School and an M.A. in East West Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. She is passionate about identifying mythical connections that bridge the personal and the cultural.