New Age Vote Critical in Obama Win

Dear Friend and Reader,

Not since the emergence of the evangelical vote in the 2000 election has a more pivotal or obscure demographic been identified. It turns out the New Age movement was central to Obama’s presidential win.

Hippies, crystal owners, meditators and astrologers are a group of voters with increased influence in recent years. Pot smokers, yoga instructors and New Age bookstore owners are also essential to this demographic. And, lucky for Democrats, Barack Obama caught onto this tie-dyed group early in his campaign marketing analysis. By the election, close to 97% of them bought Obama ’08 t-shirts and car magnets between 2007 and Nov. 2008.

How many strung out, Jewbu (Jewish-Buddhist) ex-African dance instructors are there in this country, you may ask? Approximately 3 million — a significant portion of the US population, if motivated to vote.

The big get-out-the-vote campaign in Obama’s camp was not focused on inner-city African Americans and Disney cartoon characters, as the Republican right reported with the ACORN scandal. Primarily, Obama recruited young, vegan, stoner, university drop-outs to go door-to-door in areas like Woodstock, San Francisco, Berkeley, Ashville, NC and other high-hemp, low-WalMart areas.

It turns out many of these unregistered voters had easy-to-fix problems. Close to 25 percent of unregistered New Agers couldn’t get to town hall because their vegetable oil-powered cars burned out. This is known as the “can I get a ride, man?” problem, and it surprised even the most seasoned statisticians on the Obama team when they saw the percentage.В 

“It’s not that we’re surprised about the transportation problem, as many other demographics, such as the elderly, experience this as well,” Doug Hagell, chief voter analyst for the Obama team explains. “What amazed us was that so many of them were motivated to install the vegetable oil kits, and did it unsuccessfully. We had no idea so many New Agers were stranded after failed environmental-mechanical hobbies.”

The second largest problem for New Agers was forgetfulness. At least one in 10 unregistered New Agers were stoned when they realized they wanted to vote in the election, but forgot again after getting the munchies and watching Family Guy. Obama focused on training his volunteers particularly for this problem, explaining how to keep a stoner on topic, and towards a common goal.

Though his motivational tools are locked up tighter than the official recipe for Heinz ketchup, it is no secret to the public that the New Age vote tipped the election in Obama’s favor. This election made history: both by voting in a black president, and by finally identifying the winning formula that motivated the New Age vote.

Power to the crystals & incense,

Rachel Asher