Weir of the Whirls

By Len Wallick

Hello, I’m Orson Welles. I’m here to predict the end of the world,.. again. No doubt you’re confused, you thought I was dead. Well, so am I. Last thing I remember I was on my knees on Hollywood Boulevard drinking that cheap Chianti I used to sell on television. Next thing I know I’m sitting for mid terms at an astrology institute in Switzerland wondering how i was going to pay off my student loan.

Utilizing my brilliant improvisation skills, I made up a bunch of rubbish to pass the exam, eventually graduating first in my class. Then I pretended to be an electrician to get a job building the Xanadu Large Huevos Collider. I was the third man they hired. This allowed me to pay off my loan while building my reputation as an astrologer, learning a little physics on the side. And those, my little rosebud, are the serendipitous circumstances that have uniquely qualified me to be here today, informing you that your ass is most surely grass.

On to the last Daily Astrology. While sitting backstage at a Bush concert with the famous Finnish astrologer Kirsti Melto, I can recall her mentioning that the Sun in close conjunction to the centaur planet Bienor has historically coincided unique events in the history of science and technology. That was just before security carted her off for biting Gavin Rossdale on the neck. Tried to tell her to take it easy on the coffee. Not so easy when you have a fixed grand cross.

And so today has its auspicious start with Sun conjunct Bienor at 11+ degrees Aries precisely as the best short order cooks in the world are warming up the LHC for another shot at re-creating the Big Omelet. Little do they know that we all end up going out with egg on our face.

Also today, the Disney Ephemeris tells us that Saturn is sextile the near-earth asteroid Atropos (named after the serpent that ate the Sun). Well, the yolk’s on you folks. Months ago the Spanish space probe, Fly, collided with Atropos, sending it off course heading directly for the Tortilla De Patata, a radioactive waste dump in the middle of Texas. And you thought this was going to be over easy.

Another asteroid out there in the gravel pit is called Atlantis. You know what happened to them. Their love affair with technology went too far and all of Plato’s horses and all of Aristotle’s men could not put Atlantis together again. So any aspect with Atlantis has got to be spooky and bad, right my little Luddites? Sure enough, today Atlantis is cojones with BOTH Ceres AND Pluto, square to Saturn, AND Trine to Mars. It’s enough to make you crack up.

Finally, here’s the kicker, Mercury is Trine Transpluto. As you know, Transpluto really isn’t there and pretty soon, neither are we! If that’s not conclusive, i don’t know what is!

Well gotta wind things up. Got sleds to catch, snow-globes to break, etc and not a whole lot of time left to do it. But first i want to thank Eric Francis for letting me use his laptop to re-write history like i used to rewrite Shakespeare. Just as i told him before leaving him bound and gagged in the restroom here at Taco Juan’s, yes you can predict with astrology!

Take it from an old prodigy, today is all we really have. Don’t be so hard-boiled. While we still have time, come out of your shell and keep your sunny side up. We’re all gonna fry anyway.

Bt-da, Bt-da, Bt-dat’s all folks!