The Onion, popular website, finally closing its doors

It’s true. The Onion is closing down. The venerated website and newspaper founded in 1988 as an advertising sheet, is calling it quits.

“That’s a fact,” said editor Joe Randazzo, who will be taking a job as humor editor of the Christian Science Monitor, his grandfather’s favorite newspaper. “We felt that we were past our glory days. You know, we didn’t want to be recording the same album over and over again, like the Beach Boys.”

Randazzo said he thought of himself more as The Beatles, “Who knew when to get out of the game. They did great things, built a legacy, and let it speak for itself.”

He said that if the Beatles were together today, “Nobody would even care. It’s because they broke up that we love them. So, see ya.”

The paper published its last print edition this week, and will remain on the Internet for one additional week before disappearing into the mists, the company said in a prepared statement. Copies of the last hard-copy edition are likely to become collector’s items and some are already going on e-Bay for $20. One collector said that so few people saved previous editions that they’re likely to become valuable as well. “It’s a novelty thing” said Jessica Hamilton, brand manager for Marvel Comics.

The paper has a checkered past, leading some to criticize its journalistic ethics: it’s driven by the profit motive. Even its official website admits that The Onion was created merely as a way to make money and, except for the coupons for 10-cent wings and $3 pitchers, it sucked from the beginning.

Dan Savage, one of the earliest contributors, reminisces. “Yep it pretty much was a waste of good newsprint except for me,” he said this week. Savage started his “Savage Love” column at the newspaper. “The joke was that a gay guy would be giving advice to straight people,” he said. “I always thought it was funny that straight people writing sex advice columns had so much to say to gay people. I’ve been to grad school. I understand irony.”

Past luminaries from the staff admit that coming up with content was a stretch. Over the years it became more challenging to find writers who knew what capital letters are. The hiring process finally had to include the “comma test,” which challenged applicants to identify punctuation marks correctly.

“Once we got beyond a few dumb jokes to fill up the spaces between Pizza Hut and Blimpie ads, we really had nothing else to say,” said Scott Dikkers, the longest serving editor-in-chief in the newspaper’s history, which is not saying much because only four people have ever held that position, he basically hogged it, and the managing editor does all the work anyway.

“But at least I learned how to type. And I actually did take that photo of Monica Lewinsky arriving at Dulles, which made me want to become a film director.”

Dikkers went on to direct the 2003 blockbuster Bad Meat, following up after a seven-year hiatus with the critically acclaimed cult classic Ape Trouble.

David Javerbaum, a former contributor of The Onion who went onto become executive producer of The Daily Show, said it’s good riddance that the publication is finally closing its doors. “There are enough college newspapers,” he said.

The one feature in The Onion that was consistently prescient was its horoscope. According to one past editor, it was written by interns as a proving ground. Founded in January 1988, The Onion was an Aquarius. In the horoscope for that sign, intern Nora Bellingham wrote in the last edition, “Old promises come due this week when you’re reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.”