By Pope Benedict XVI, guest blogger
Dear Lamb of God,
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Photo by Danielle Voirin |
There are many gods in astrology, but there is just one God. It is clear that if you believe in astrology, you believe in “many gods.” As a theologian of several decades experience, in Germany, where God is mandatory, I advise you as your pope to stick to Saturn. It would be less a sin if you only use one planet. God would forgive you, maybe. And if that planet is Saturn, you have a better chance.
You would, however, be better advised to skip astrology entirely, because it is sinful. You may ask, why then do all the great basilicas have zodiacs engraved into the floor, which was done at incalculable expense and which we owe to the toil and labor of many sorry souls? Well, you’re not supposed to know about those, and I have ordered the Holy See tour guides to shut up about that.
As for the Web, as the chief enforcer of that dogma, I say, click somewhere else.
Astrology is the least of it. This sinful website has mentioned the M word so many times, I lost count in 1998. I will not repeat the M word, even though it appears to appear daily on these pages.
Also, there are breasts on this website.
In addition, there have been several articles on feminism, which is the work of Satan.
In conclusion, this website is sinful. The Vatican’s media office is on the editor’s comp list, which is how I know. We do not use the Holy See’s money to read it, but we are happy to get it every week for free, so we can understand its deeply sinful nature.
VeryВ trulyВ yours,
PopeВ RatzingerВ theВ First
Dear Pope Ben:
I’ve had a difficult time adjusting to your being our Pope, given that I much preferred our Star Wars droid Pope J2P2 more than you. The way you keeping dissing the Muslims is way superbad.
‘ nuff said.
I’m saying here and now, that even though we are not on the same idealistic plane, I still do like Mr. Jesus as a cool avatar and a really souped up kundalini practitioner. No one gets haloes like that without having invested in a minimum of 12 years of kundalini meditative yogic tradition in the desert. Check out the Byzantine Era for the documentation.
So that’s it, then. My Dear John (or Ben) letter from me, an ex-Catholic, to you, the Holy See, or whatever senses you guys use over there in Vatican City. Best of luck. And so sorry about the whole birth control thing. Some of us gals believe that self determination whatsit that gets the Church and the right-wing so perplexingly upset.
Didn’t mean to do that, but, hey, our time had some.
See ya.