She is lovely, brilliant, reasonable, logical, and totally incorruptible, and has no past to cover up. She is immune to bribery or any financial inducements. She is beholden to no corporation or political machine. She has no racial identity, but shares features with all races. For all these reasons the American people overwhelmingly rejected both parties’ candidates and chose her for President.
No one asked, though, if she could play ball.
The world found out this afternoon, when President Wollemi took the mound for the Nationals in the opening game of the season, against the much-heralded Tokyo Roses. The President’s sizzling fastball belied all odds that she wouldn’t get the ball to the plate without at least one bounce: the pitch was an unqualified strike, smacking into catcher Egerton’s glove to the cheers of a standing-room-only crowd.
Her second pitch, a curve ball that seemed to shimmer tantalizingly before crossing the plate, was also a strike, as was her third. Nationals pitcher Hup Tarnley, standing by to pitch as scheduled, took off his cap and bowed, presenting the President with his glove and cap. Fans were treated to the first-ever perfect game in National Park as the President struck out the Roses with three pitches each, carrying the Nationals to a 4:0 victory.
Following the game the President returned Tarnley’s gear, graciously declining offers from Nationals manager Loren Gearheart to sign on for the season. “I apologize for the hasty departure, but I am late for a Senate briefing on agriculture,” she said before climbing into the waiting Presidential limousine.
Comments:
laserdickkk:
What’ planet is this writer on? Like she’s a ROBOT, and its never mentioned even once. Of course a robot can pitch a perfect game.
Dourmouse:
She throws a perfect game, but doesn’t that in fact signal a serious problem in her programming? Good pitching don’t mean she can run the country.
foolsgold:
So laserdickkk, tell me one other robot’s ever pitched a perfect game.
forktong:
You all miss the point, dudes. Which is you can’t stop this chick, robot or whatever. She starts something, she finishes it. Like she throws one pitch she’s gonna throw a whole game, same with ending the 30-year wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, she told voters she would end them and two weeks after inauguration the wars are over. No bio-prez did that in my lifetime.
shuttlecock:
Somebody made her that way. Robots gotta be programmed. Its called intelligent design, software designed in Tokyo.
foolsgold:
That some creationist tag? What’s your beef with Tokyo?
shuttlecock
No beef with Tokyo, just that’s whose team she shut out. Irony, its called.
Fracassee:
No iron involved, or beef, either. She’s a plasmobot, remember.
lucindadarling:
Actually, she’s a demonstration of intelligently-directed evolution (or de-evolution), since an intelligent politician is the motive factor for the execution of the opening pitch and not a random factor in the ultimate design.
uncadonald:
What’s the prejudice against robots, plasmobots? They can think, reason, analyze, and reach nuanced conclusions far better than mere humans.
Siltdottir:
Yeah, but the bottom line is they’re not edible.
Shuttlecock:
Man, you say our opinions are based on cannibalism?
Siltdottir:
It’s as good a basis as any, turdbrain.
uncadonald:
I don’t mean to be rude, but are you even human? I don’t personally find eating anything organic disgusting… we’re pretty much here to eat one another. I don’t know why I’m even responding to this… but I’ve been drinking and I’m going to hit the submit reply button anyway.