Eric Francis Astrology Implant!
Have you been studying astrology for 20 years and still have no opinion on Mars conjunct Jupiter? Have you missed your last six Pluto transits? Are you obsessed by horoscope columns? Do the lunar nodes really confuse you? Do you think the jury is still out on Chiron? Do you keep getting lost on the way to the mall?
Then maybe you need the Eric Francis Astrology Implant.
Eric Francis has reduced his astrology knowledge down to 1.2 gigabytes, and it’s now available to any mortal. Just install the implant and you will be able to read charts, write horoscopes and spew all kinds of interpretive bullshit about the so-called news.
“I got the Eric Francis Astrology Implant and suddenly I could remember all the glyphs!” said Melinda Noodle of Rutland, Vermont.
“I didn’t think that having a chip permanently installed in my body was ethical or healthy, but once I had the chip in my head, it told me everything was going to be fine,” said Martha Dill of Piscataway, New Jersey.
“Just when I was about to throw my Evolutionary Astrology course out the window, The EF Implant came along and suddenly I could remember my past lives,” said Forrest Green of Bellingham, North Carolina, one of our most satisfied customers.
“Once I had the chip in, I could understand my Jonathan Cainer horoscope!” said an extremely enthusiastic Brittney Adams of South Bablingtonshire, UK.
The Eric Francis Astrology Implant can be yours for just $9,999.00 This now includes the “Know Your Neighborhood” local GPS attachment that will help you navigate within 10 blocks of home. And if you act now, we’ll throw in the Tell All Erotic Novelist script, the Self-Recognition Coprocessor and the Canon 5D Visual Assistant. The Serennu Previously Installed Minor Planet Ephemeris is extra.
Order Now!
This is totally hilarious! Forrest Green!!
The implant is very cute……2 would make handsome cufflinks!
“Once I had the chip in, I could understand my Jonathan Cainer horoscope!”
BOOM! As Jon Stewart would say….
Nice.
…..but I havta say, it is very cute! Would make fabby earings…..
😉
Are the upgrades automatic?
Cause, ya know, in about 6 months this thing is gonna be big and clunky compared to the nano version I feel certain is hot on its heels……
Anyway, by then the price will be down to 19.95, betcha.
One day soon, all you will have to do is BREATHE and those little knowledge mites will just be so glad to occupy your brain…..
*snork* and *shudder*
just be thankful you weren’t one of the BETA testers! those bugs in the first program were a real bitch. every time i tried to call my mom, i’d end up in a conversation with one from several past lifetimes ago. and i thought the one i have *now* worries too much…
once i installed the astrology chip in my head, I no longer needed the chip in my shoulder !!!
This would be a fabulous deal…except that the Serennu Previously Installed Minor Planet Ephemeris is extra. What gives?
I thought Melody Beattie wrote the language for the Self-recognition Co-processor?
Just askin’.
Wow, does this mean that i can be the Heidi Montag of astrology?
Is there a yoga attachment too? I really can’t concentrate for more than 45 seconds, I was hoping this would help.
Oh my god! What a great idea? I’ve always wanted to know as much astrology as Eric Francis! How come there’s no ordering link when I click on the words that say “order now”?
Really? Is this true? That’s kind of sick.