Over the weekend, I published a series of sex oldies from prior years of Planet Waves. This was my Superbowl Sunday/Venus-Chiron-Neptune offering to the universe. A reader named Indrani replied with this letter as a public response, which I would offer for your consideration and gentle reply. Offered by me for resolution to Radharani. –efc
Dear Eric,
What you write about sex is very interesting. I’m a Sydney (Australia)-based lawyer (yes, I see myself as a lawyer — saw a mini-series called ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ when I was seven and thought: “that man should have had someone to stand up for him…”) but I have had a very deep interest in sex from an early age (I wrote a master’s thesis on sex in contemporary Indian literature about six years ago).
I always found interesting the responses of men and women to me and as I got older (I’m 38 now), it is totally clear that these responses were largely sexual in nature (either wanting to have sex with me — I was an intellectually precocious kid — or (in the case of women), not wanting me anywhere near their husbands. I thought it was a ‘problem’ with me but over the last few years (going through my ’emancipation’ and self-awakening, I began to realise that the problem is not with me — I’m actually very cool (ie very accepting) of sex as a normal and healthy form of self-expression and especially deeply-felt affection and plain-old garden variety intimacy.
As a communicative, self-expressive (and straight) woman, I am shocked at how difficult it is for me to actually get any sex! The sexual politics men (and this seems to be more to do with men than women) wrap themselves in is astonishing. It may be intimacy-based fear, and as you say, a direct problem stemming from religious hang-ups. Understandable if you’re from a Judeo-Christian-Islamic background, but what if you are a Hindu (like me) where sex is just as ordinary as the Sun rising (nothing ‘ordinary’ about either miracle, you’ll say — and you’ll be right)? Hindus worship Shiva and Kali – very sexual deities — the linga and yoni — the penis and vagina. The fundamental belief in our religion is that there are TWO deities, male and female and both are equally necessary (interestingly, there is also much literature dedicated to homosexuality — also a natural and healthy expression in Hinduism. It’s an animisitic religion largely — the plant and animal world is filled with examples of homo and other sexuality, so that may be why the ancient texts are so hip with it all).
But back to me (Leo in first, baby and with a couple of very solid Aries chucked into the mix!). Intelligent woman, well-rounded woman can’t get sex. And to make it easy for men, I’m very much a womanly woman (and I have a 16 year old daughter), but still no sex, and when I REALLY reach out, it’s horrible sex so I don’t bother anymore (and the Lonely Act is simply that — lonely and no damn fun).
Major conundrum — I’ve sorted out the rest of my life, slayed all my demons, have a clean, healthy sense of self and am actually a happy person (and I agree, we really need to bring back the concept of ‘self-actualisation’) EXCEPT, to quote the Stones, “can’t get no satisfaction.” And I don’t believe that I attract ‘men who hate women’ — I think most men love women, or want to, but there is something very deep-rooted in a man’s relationship with his mother and something men can’t seem to get beyond. I’m going to upset the feminists (I’m for equality — in the old Hindu-sense that is) and say, I think we need to go back and look at how women mother their babies (male and female). In my opinion, mothers are the most powerful people on the planet — they hold the power of life and death over their babies — mother well and you have a healthy child, get it wrong and you’ve created a little bundle of mess.
We need to re-think mothering, and in order to do that, we need to go backwards to a time when it wasn’t a bad thing to be a mother. I love being a mother — when I was a kid, I only ever had two ambitions — to be a mother and a lawyer, and that’s it. I’ve done a lot more since then, but mothering well is still my Number One priority. We need to re-think the power of women — to rediscover the Goddess all the New Agers so love to invoke, but also to remember that the Goddess was never about overpowering men, she is about playing a complementary role to men (and with exactly the same importance, the [Hindu] masculine God was about playing a complementary role to woman). So well did the Hindus understand this that they named the Goddess ‘Shakti’ — ‘Strength’.
I wish the Age of Aquarius would get cracking — I really need to get me some good healthy sex! And as for marriage and partnerships — I witnessed the ‘perfect’ marriage — my grandparents’ marriage. In an age where women were kept down, he left the family home (500 years old, that house) and moved his wife to the Temple House (itself pushing 140 or so years — and right on the banks of the Ganges near Calcutta) so that she and he could live in freedom. It was my grandparents (not my parents – you can take a horse to water it seems, but you can’t make it drink) who taught me the Beautiful Path, the righteous and loving way of living in harmony with each other, the energies of the planet, celebrating everything beautiful and everything and glorious in life. Karma-yoga is my ‘religious’ practise – everything thought, every act, everything dedicated to the greater glory of God, the Goddess, and life itself — from rescuing kittens, to learning your school lessons, and of course, to loving yourself and raising your children.
The irony is, it’s not actually that hard to do — all it takes is seeing, understanding, and mostly, looking at the sky and trees and All Things Beautiful (and yes, I have a Taurus sun). Honestly, humanity needs to take a collective breath — otherwise, I many NEVER get any sex! And I’m sure my grandparents — who were sexual beings well into old age — didn’t have a sexless future in mind when they poured all that joy into me…
[Apologies for the length of this — I’ve been thinking about this for years and my neck is beginning to ache from all the nodding I do when I read your stuff]
In Beauty, my friend,
Indrani
I will chime in from a monogamous point of view here. ::::ducking :::: I have been married for almost 23 years now and we have teenagers in the house. I have a theory that the teens, with their newly heightened sexual awareness (whether they are using it or not and mine are not) have changed the energy balance in the house. First, it is difficult to get privacy now for my husband and I….we KNOW the teens will know what we are doing and as they are put off by the thought of their parents “doing it” as they tell us; it makes us feel self conscious knowing they might be listening. So we have had little of no sex for too long.
We are both older (I am turning 50 this month and he is 57) and in stressful financial situations to the point that he is in a career change (back to school to become a teacher) and I am in school for the first time. I homeschool the four kids and do online classes as well (5 of them) so he and I are physically tired like we haven’t been in years. Our energy is being used up to survive and raise the kids right now. I am a full-time stay-at-home mom and have been for most of the kids’ lives. We will probably have to move once his student teaching is finished because the local school district isn’t hiring; the idea that we are propably moving from the place we love is stressing us out too; especially the kids.
When I was younger and less aware, I also got sex easily. After I changed, I still wanted sex more than my husband did. Now that I am a lot more aware and changed, I find myself not even thinking of it most of the time. I think hormones has something to do with that; I am starting to go through the change and some women start that earlier than I am so they don’t realize it can cause loss of desire for a time.
So even long married people get less sex than they want or like.
Hey Indrani and Eric,
I just posted a comment before in response to Eric’s “Reply to Indrani”. Good upon you sister. I agree and have attracted quick, sharp and I feel (and I really do feel – Cancer Moon conjunct Hygeia, trine Neptune and Chiron, Sextile Uranus & Pluto) negative reactions concerning mothering. My Mum is great. Yes, we have argued and generally over life it has been my struggle for “yang” liberation, to do dangerous and ridiculous undertakings. But my mother taught me ethics and good values and my folks were born in the Great Depression so they have lived hardship and done ok.
I am from Melbourne (which is the 2nd biggest city in Australia) for the readers out there and I dislike what is happening to “my city”. As the popular underworld TV series re-iterated in its theme, “It’s a jungle out there”. You can get killed for nothing now. Crazy. On one hand the cultural decree is do whatever you like, and porobably the more you are a huge jerk, the more sex you will have available. If you offend, transgress, bully and someone doesn’t like it it’s cool to deck them, knowing that most people have a really cool “whatever” attitude. Discipline it seems, is so early 20th Century.
We are all superhero dickheads now and I reckon for many young women it’s hard. On the other hand soft, metrosexualism is ok too but not many blokes are prepared to stand ground against the hypocrites and liars running the PC Government or the meatheads ruling the streets at night. Als, most of the cops are meatheads in uniform too, so yeah….
Am I whinging? I’m just sad I think. I’m trying to be the best I was meant to be, and if that means standingup for principles than yeah I’ll probably be in hospital soon. I’ve done some socially heroic things in my time, and the response I get from male friends has been supportive. Unfortunatley the general reaction from females is laughter and derision. I’m thnking of buying a property in the New England Tablelands and when everyone is stabbing each other for the last litre of petrol I won’t even know.
BTW, Indrani I think you are powerful. An integrated whole spirit. I think sex with you would be a moving and beautiful experience.
Indrani, I sympathize with your plight. Mine is slightly different but of the same genre. I could get plenty of sex, if I were interested in getting it from the people offering it to me, who seem to want only that and nothing else. I stopped enjoying the ‘getting of or having sex’ for the pleasure and release only, with nothing else supporting it. In another words, an engagement of intimacy, honesty and concern, more commonly known as a ‘relationship.’ And I don’t necessarily mean the forever and always kind where that has to be the overriding intent. I agree with Eric on the point that the more work and development I do on myself and achieve, the fewer options I seem to encounter for the engagement I speak of because the bar has been raised on who I’m willing to share myself with. I just don’t take that as lightly as I used to. Have ‘earned’ enough life lesson points in this area. So with personal integrity comes discernment and yes maybe alone-ness. You’d think this progress in self evolvement might/would attract a like-minded/evolved potential partner. Not necessarily or maybe I should say ‘not yet.’ Frustrating, disappointing, perplexing, exasperating, but also gratifying with lots of self respect.
Precisely, Mysti.
If you are willing to lie, to deceive, to not check a partner’s health — then it’s easy to find sex. Lots of people are willing to have you go behind your partner’s back, or to assume you won’t care if they are deceiving their partner. If you ply on drunk people, take advantage of those with weak defenses, or are selfish, it’s easy to find sex.
If you tell the truth, do health checks (which alone ward off many), if you insist on the truth, if you hold a standard of mutually competent consent — then it’s more challenging. I am not talking about impossible standards, just good healthy hygiene.
If you are willing to eat anything, it’s easy to find “food.” I have celiac and I can’t eat junk or wheat. It’s more challenging to find a good meal, out: but it’s possible; I just need to know how, and where, to look, but I can’t eat pizza or McDonald’s and I have to bring my own food everywhere.
Said in one sentence, the less integrity you have, the easier it is to get wholesome sex.
Say WHAT? People!
Less integrity gets you more sex? This is the same general minefield as :: sexual desire makes you bestial or trailer trash or a bad mammajamma.
Good grief. I never thought I’d see this here. There’s an undertow to this, and it feels a little like pandering. Snap out of it.
Sex takes discernment. Tuning your wanting eye to see what wants you. It’s not that hard, but it does take some prioritizing beyond: “Somebody owes me sex. “
The more integrity, the less sex? I hear ya. I don’t know if I’m atrophied after not having had a partner since 2001 (apart from a really short fling in the summer of ’04) or if I’m still legitimately keeping myself in quarantine while I undo my armor. My experiences in the past have either been totally bland or filled my neurotic patterns with so much energy I turned into a possessive, childish monster. I honestly don’t know what woman qi would do to me in my present state. I still feel some demons clinging though daily Taiji practice is resulting in every day a little less tense than the one before. It does seem like everyone around my age with integrity are married and playing the mono game. It also doesn’t help that Portland, Oregon is a magnet for alcoholic, cigarette puffing hipsters from 20-30 so an obscene percentage of our population are a wee bit too young for this 36 year old urban shaman. Not to mention I don’t want to share sexual energy with someone who trashes their physical temple with tobacco smoke. So it goes. At least I’m not contributing to overpopulation 😉
Indrani, Eric, ginblossom, mystes, JuanaL,
Is it just me or is there something, well, very special about your collaroration of words today? Feels like auspicious and magic and very tender all at the same time. Thank you.
Dear Indrani:
I’ve been thinking about your post all day. Well, really, a lot longer. I have you top billing because so many people experience this, or something like it. I think there are a few things going on. I began to notice this in my astrology practice years ago, and among my coolest, kindest male friends. People with, or getting, their act together could not find partners. I have also noticed that the more focused I became, the more successful, the less emotionally messed up, the less access I had; the more challenging it was to find a relationship. At many phases in my 20s and 30s I was a sex magnet. I don’t think it was merely that I was younger. As a I grew and began to work stuff out, I seemed to have ever less access. So I’ve been watching this one for a while.
The first question I had for you after reading your post, and I would appreciate if you would respond, is: what would constitute acceptable, good, or great sex for you? Would you please give me some examples of situations that would have you in a position where you would say yes? Can you describe what you want? You don’t need to give all the gushy details, but please describe circumstances that you either desire, or that would pass muster. This can be for the ‘just sex’ part, or some relational situation that would work.
Okay, now for my theory. I think that as we grow and build integrity, we install filters. These prevent certain people from getting through. The old circumstances that might have worked (or not worked so well, but resulted in sex) in the past no longer work. You’re Hindu so you may think of it as related to karma: the more of your own karma you work off, the less tolerance you may have for those who have not, and whose stuff you don’t want to take on. A lot and I do mean a LOT of karma is potentially transmitted in sex, as everything from the potential for pregnancy to STDs to commitments to weird stuff on the nonphysical. Part of growth will, with any luck, be filtering this out. In a sentence, the less integrity you have, the easier it is to get sex. Therefore the people with integrity who who appreciate sex and are willing to give sex and not just get it, or withhold it, need to speak up; need to step up and GIVE what they have.
In theory, you should be gaining the ability to spot the right people; but the prior pattern does not usually repair itself overnight. It takes time to develop the new limbic pathways — emotional brain pathways that carry the new relational information. This is established neurology. You are literally teaching you brain to relate differently.
Further, we may be alive at the most sex-negative time in history. True, the 30s and the 40s were no party, but I don’t think it was this bad; the ignorance and taboo are certainly comparable, the paranoia is just astonishing, and the the sense of self seems to be way way way down; and there is not so much rebellion or celebration in the air. Plus, a lot of people know they are hurt and have pulled back, particularly under all these sex-negative messages. Part of what we are suffering from is a kind of sexual atrophy. We need to learn to feel again, and to state what we want, and to find a way to burn off all this guilt that holds us down again and again, sometimes for many decades.
These factors create an environment wherein people cannot express what they want, often because they don’t feel safe doing so. Post-adolescent women for the most part remain unable to make sexual advances, for the most part having been beaten into passivity once again. The Internet is sucking up huge amounts of energy and many, many, many people have skipped the bother of relationships and basically do porn.
One last point for tonight. You said, “the Lonely Act is simply that — lonely and no damn fun).” I know you are talking about masturbation. In my view, masturbation is the core of sex. I have a little guide that I use. If you want to know how someone feels about sex, ask them how they feel about masturbation. Everyone will tell you how great sex is; but many people give a radically different viewpoint on masturbation. I think that this is the place to start. Make masturbation in to selflovemaking. Make it interesting.
There are a number of interesting dynamics playing themselves out in human consciousness in our era, and one of them involves balancing gender within; seeking ‘the other’ within — our psychic inner twin, our shadow, our inner spouse or lover. I suggest that you hang really, really loose and spend as much time as you can in front of a mirror, reconciling with yourself and looking for that sense of presence within. I don’t mean ‘jill off’ in the usual sense, the quick maintenance orgasm; I mean, take a journey. Do the unspeakable. Write about it. Photograph yourself. Learn, in the safety of self-to-self relating, to have no inhibitions. I cannot promise you that will provide more partner sex in your life, but I have a hunch you that you will embark on a new phase in your journey of sexual awakening.
When you seek lovers, I suggest that you find the ones that are affirmative about masturbation; the ones that can hold space for themselves, and not project everything onto the women around them.
Hey Indrani;
I’ve got the opposite problem. I’m not interested in sex at all; I can’t think of a subject that is farther from my immediate awareness most of the time. In fact the handful of sexual advances that my nonengaged mood hasn’t shut down dead freak me out massively; I can barely contain my shock when another human being acknowledges my physical presence not to mention my gender.
Except for one thing: I have these teenagers in the house. My son has this posse that comes to hang out in the basement; they’re these brilliant radiators lit up with hormone lava and they keep trooping in and out of the downstairs entrance to behold each other and climb on each other and so forth.
A couple days ago I thought I was alone in the house and walked downstairs to witness a boy and girl I barely knew in flagrante on my yoga mat on the floor. There is a section of the space that is mirrored on all sides; a painting in crosshatches of winter sun.
I crept back upstairs again, filled with compassion. I coulldn’t imagine pouncing upon the scene jabbering about property ( mine) or morality ( their parents) or really anything else. Also I’m no idiot: whatever is within my awareness originates in me, so whatever part of me that is seventeen and fucking was intensely active that day.
But I was a little annoyed about the yoga mat. I just bought it. There was a sofa bed *right there*, not two feet away.
I started authoring signage in my head.
” Bed in corner, fresh towels in closet, don’t forget to wash your hands.”
” Please refrain from fluid exchange on anything that appears to be brand new. Thanks.”
Then I gave up. Two days later I was at the drugstore purchasing trojans to put in the shaving cabinet in the halfbath down there and hosing off my new yoga mat with hot soapy water. They’re kids. They’re bound to make one kind of mess or another.
I have the same effect on cats. They climb in through the windows and do they want milk? No. They want to establish birthing centers under my porch.
I feel like I’m always getting sex. In fact it seems like any attempt I make to keep it out doubles its insistence on trying to sneak back in.
You’re not getting it? Geez, it’s everywhere.
indrani, i would like to echo mystes sentiments and offer you some encouragement because your forties are coming…..those years opened the door to actualizing my sexual power. I think it was partly physiological and it therefore applies to all women. For me it meant letting go and being clear in a way that was not needy. Tumultuous 37 is a precursor to fabulous 40. Good luck.
“As a communicative, self-expressive (and straight) woman, I am shocked at how difficult it is for me to actually get any sex!”
Indrani, I remember having this sense in my late 30s … like there was some kind of big sign on my back saying :: Involuntary Celibate :: that no-one could or would move past. I was very, very busy at that point – my daughter was an early teen, I was a graduate student was part owner of an art gallery. It was a little beyond busy.
Here’s what happened. I slowed down. Way down. Things got more complicated, then a lot less. Pleasure-bearing humans began to show up. And I actually *saw* them. I figure they were around the whole time, but I was too busy (and too busy searching) to note the fauna.
And although I am sure it’s just vernacular, one wonders: “getting” sex? Getting/giving being a continuum. . .
Under and In…
M
Dear Indrani, Thank you for the reminder so positively expressed, and thank you Eric, for posting it.
Much of my life I lived in a polyamorous way, beginning two decades before hearing the word polyamory. My sexual preference was also fluid, depending more on the people in my circle than any mentally based definition. Ironically, my childhood was totalitarian, fundamentalist, which seemed untrue to me always, so while I missed out on much pop culture and likeminded friendships, I also did not absorb much of the prevailing baggage. And when I was old enough to be on my own it was definitely “all ya need is love”! Bubbling up from within naturally these inclinations were primarily honest, truthful. People close to me didn’t always get it or feel entirely comfortable with it, but when I was sincere, there was a live and let live quality to all, as if the universe was catching me as I opened myself. And those times when it went to my head and became narcissism, other people got hurt and so did I. Life Lessons.
I had lived happily and easily for several years in fluid relationships, with women and men, in different places and times. And now a very strange thing has happened. In the last few years that free spirit has become frightened. I can time it exactly to when I moved to the US in 2005. Granted, I live in a very conservative materialistic environment so the energy around me is at times overwhelming.
What I am finding is that “swinging” is very popular, as is lying, cheating, disrespect, sexual harrassment at work, and nepotism based on sexuality. I see people all around me who seem to define sexual freedom as the right to hurt people. The duality feels very strong. It is either totally monagamous or extremely cruel or a mixture of the two.
During this yin time of the year I have been feeling my fear and attempting to release it, but at times it does feel like the water supply is just poisoned.
I can’t immediately change my environment but planetwaves is definitely a sip of fresh, clean, clear, cool water.