Dear Eric,
I’ve enjoyed your blogs and horoscopes for some time now but have never thought to write.В I am hoping, though, that you might be able to give me some insight.
I am a Scorpio, and I’m in a relationship with an Aquarian. He is from Armenia but lives in Brussels. I am from the West Coast but live in Wales. You can probably imagine the distance is a struggle.В Anyway, we’ve been together since October 2005 but since April 2007 things have been more ‘life’s a bitch’ than ‘life’s a beach’.В He has had immigration problems and political and family problems back home. He works and goes to classes 12 hours a day and our communication has really disintegrated, meaning it feels like we are loving and trusting each other less.В The easy answer is to finish and let each other go in peace. The problem is that I love him and deep down feel that things will eventually smooth out and come right. I don’t know. There is the added problem that neither of us is totally straightforward, having both experienced broken hearts in the past, so that also makes communication difficult.
If you aren’t totally swamped, would you be able to give me some advice?
Thanks
T
Hey T
I can elaborate this in a longer answer, but think of it this way. Were you not coming from monogamous paradigm, this question would not matter so much: there would be no question that you could ride the relationship out to better times; and not sacrifice your own needs. Unless you are sure that being with another man would absolutely alienate him, which might be a reason not to. But the toggle switch is one issue as I see it. Also, distance relationships are inherently difficult because it’s not possible to shareВ many things up close that are the basic stock of being in one another’s lives (such as food); but the world has opened up to these vast networks of communication. So it’s natural that we would use them, and I think we need to devote a whole topic of life to the theme.
Still I suggest that we proceed with adjusted expectations and demands on relationship structure. The structure of a long distance relationship over electronic media does not need to be the same as a 18th century marriage in a small village. Is there anyway it really could be? And why are we resistant to experiment with new forms, and different guidelines? Are we all clinging to an idea from the past? Or just with our need for security? Possible that they are the same.
This man is your friend and you love him; why should that change? Unless the relationship in this form has run its course; and we don’t need to be trapped in linear time either. He could well resurface as more present in another season.
e
Thanks so much for getting back to me, Eric.В I appreciate it.В I think what you’ve said is probably what I’ve come to understand myself.В As to the monogamy paradigm, I think I am more concerned about monogamy than he is.В He seems to recognise that should I want or need to, I can see other people.В At this point, I prefer not to.В Though adjusting my expectations has been hard, the feeling I have to explain or rationalise the unconventional nature of our relationship to others, especially my family, has been harder.
Thanks again for getting back to me in person.В I feel honoured.
T
‘There is the added problem that neither of us is totally straightforward, having both experienced broken hearts in the past, so that also makes communication difficult.’
I think that waiting in uncertainty, if there is an anxiousness about it, is enough to send a person even further into uncertainty. Not that uncertainty is necessarily such a bad thing. However, the sense of freefall anxiety in a relationship may be more likely to be present when one of the two (if it is just two) people involved doesn’t know what the other person truly hopes for from the relationship, and/or where they stand with the other. Likely to be even trickier if neither of them know. Only honest, from the heart, without fear, communication will bring that about. It is true you can never be sure if anyone is being honest with you, some stuff is just very hard to say – but if you love yourself, not to mention the other, it’s worth a shot.
With love.
Yeah, Mysti, good one darlin.
I’m not even that offended by the misery and fear a special relationship engenders. Really, it’s the *time you waste* being unhappy that’s the real pissoff.
Wow, anybody else feel like they just threw a jaguar off their backs?
~j
mystes, you are scary when you make sense to me. But in a good way.
Jacqui…”i’ve been вЂ?forced’ to (willingly) wait on my lover and share him with another…for the past two and a half years…a lot of heartache, jealousy, need for intimacy, torture etc. etc.”
As WordEdgewise pointed out, each relationship is: “an indivdual entity between two people – a living “thing” born of the two – ”
Hear-hear. I have never ‘shared’ any of my lovers, whether they were married, living with someone else or gangbanging the entire Miss America pageant. What one gives/takes inside of the sexual sanctuary is only born and only expires there. You can’t take it from a ‘third’ party, you can’t give away what is only born and only expires within that space.
The *only* exception to that reality is when you have conjured up the third in the form of a fetus. Then the triangulation calls for a period of focus as the mother/father dyad generates a containment field for the New to enter safely.
Beyond that, the word ‘monogamy’ is a four-chambered joke and should be relegated to the same pile as purifying-the-race, fatherland and droit de seigneur.
“There’s one of us for each of us.”
p/s Jealousy is not particularly ‘natural’. It has been artificially embedded in your visual field. Work with that part of the sensory array and it will naturally convert into all-accomplishing wisdom.
hey there,
i’ve quickly stopped to look at my ‘addiction’ (planet waves) and feel a strong need to respond/share…
from my experience, i’ve been ‘forced’ to (willingly) wait on my lover and share him with another…for the past two and a half years…a lot of heartache, jealousy, need for intimacy, torture etc. etc. i am emerging from this cocoon a stronger person, more aware and have realised that all along i have been having a relationship with myself, yes that’s right…i strongly believe that every relationship we encounter is a relationship with ourselves and all the rest of it is a projection…after a lot of soul searching and self-reflection i see it as a gift from the universe to become more aware, to give the love to myself first, not to control love or have any expectations, not to give a flying f… what family or other people think about it, to nurture love, to be painfully honest with my myself and my lover…
i have also managed to create/share intimacy even when we were apart…hey there’s always the internet and web cam…i’ve sent sexy photos/videos of myself, touching myself, doing a strip show for him…most of it was because i was getting in touch with my own sexuality, liberating myself from the society’s conditioning or a definition of what love ‘should’ be…there is no definition, love just exist, it’s just is…it’s beautiful, painful and i am so grateful that i have experienced it on a very deep level, with myself first and then shared it with my lover…
p.s. it might be my aqueerius sun, scorpio ascendent and moon in taurus…don’t know…one of these days i would like to have a reading and meet uncle eric 🙂 that is my wish between these two eclipses…
Yes.
Yes.
Each and every relationship we have is to be nurtured (or given up) based on what it is – as an indivdual entity between two people – a living “thing” born of the two – don’t you think? Very difficult mind-shift and even more difficult heart-shift – but the glorious love and freedom that comes with the shift is AMAZING.