Editor’s Note: The following article, written by a George Bush imitator, was originally written for The Onion. It can be viewed here in its original form. –RA
BY GEORGE W. BUSH
Oh, America. Eight years went by so fast, didn’t they? I feel like I hardly got to know you and methodically undermine everything you once stood for. But I guess all good things must come to an end, and even though you know I would love to stick around for another year or four—maybe privatize Social Security or get us into Iran—I’m afraid it’s time to go. But before I leave, let me say, from the bottom of my heart: I can’t think of another country I would’ve rather led to the brink of collapse.
Boy, oh boy, if these Oval Office walls could talk. Seems like it was only yesterday that I started my first term despite having actually lost to Al Gore by more than a half million votes. Hmm. We were all so young and peaceful then. Gosh, gas was still under $2 a gallon! On my watch it peaked at more than twice that. Never getting it up to $6 or ideally $7.50 will be one of my few regrets when I leave office.