By Amanda Moreno
I was six years old when my dad died. I have a few memories of him. Holding his hand as we walked through the parking lot of the hospital where my brother was born when I was two. Sitting in his lap in our rocking chair as he sang me to sleep or read me stories. I remember him teaching me the Spanish word for table. I remember running to him at the end of each day and latching onto his leg with glee that he was finally home.
Last fall, my dad started making appearances in dream and in waking life in subtle ways at the same time as I began to access grief from his death and other experiences. I began the process of bringing my dad into my morning ritual and prayers. The past two years, with Saturn restructuring my Moon, Sun and Ascendant, I’ve been going through phases that can be characterized as: total submersion in grief. It made sense, therefore, that the little six year old inside of me would be very present.
I never really cried after my dad died. I remember fixating on splinters in my feet and I know that I almost instantly took on the role of mother-and-protector in my family, at least emotionally speaking. I’ve done some work with that inner six year old since then, mostly by spending time in the imaginal realms, spending time with her in my arms, and giving her lots of love.
My personal work as well as the work I do with clients tends to be focused on grief and trauma. I am consistently amazed at just how deep grief goes, unfolding slowly and painfully, often mixing with other complex emotions such as guilt. Trauma is often too much for the psyche to bear.