IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT. I’m alone in the house with the two cats, listening to a thick rainstorm in the midst of a Moon Pluto square. There are brussel sprouts searing on the stove behind me, their scent giving the air inside a tang of bitterness that might be a good metaphor for the edge I feel like I am balanced on. I’ve had a lot going through my head lately. I’m sure you all can relate.
The Thursday before last, when Mercury stationed direct and began its progress through shadow phase, I decided to quit my job. There was a murmur at the bottom of my heart that told me if I did not start to live my life creatively it was going to get pretty shitty, pretty soon. Now that I am half way through the two-week period and my temper has cooled, I am starting to believe that this was probably the worst decision of my life. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s the best one I’ve made yet. It’s been one of those weeks.
I’ve had this incredible feeling that I am floating through my own life: I have been divided by the self that demands I submit to suffering and the self that seeks the spiritual side of every struggle. I call them the Emperor and the Artist. Both of them are clowns, preferring to undertake the most extreme side of each situation. Then you have the one who they are arguing over: the Me-self. She’s in there between the two thrones, trying to figure out who she should listen to, and in the meantime not able to make any forward movement.
This is a prime example of what it is like in shadow phase. I’m sure that there are many times when Mercury is acting normal when a person feels this way, however, the main topic of the destiny I hold in my hands (and hands, mind you, are ruled by Mercury) is about creativity. I cannot decide. Both voices are taking on a resonance that I never expected. It’s like watching two people yell at one another in a boat-roofed cathedral and hearing the sounds of their voices bounce from wall to wall, animating the expanse of the church until it the words no longer matter and they are just elements in a montage of confusion.