Distributed via Associated Press and Bloomberg News
My Fellow Americans:
Today is my 51st birthday, and on this occasion, I have decided to tell you the truth about who I am. There has been much rumor and speculation: that I am not really a citizen; that I am not loyal to the United States; and that I am a Muslim. Some even contend that my entire identity is a “complete fabrication,” in the succinct words of Conservapedia, and that even my birth announcement in the Honolulu Post is a forgery, along with my birth records in Hawaii.
Some of the rumors that are circulating are even stranger than that. We have devoted an office in the White House, staffed by social media specialists and paralegals, that tracks what people are saying about me, and it is odd. But as they say, truth is stranger than fiction.
I have decided on this day to come clean. This way, when the time comes to vote on Election Day, you will know what choice I actually represent — and you will choose me. As you were so kind as to endorse my selection as “president” by what I will call the larger political forces, expressing such touching American idealism, I want you to know the reality of the situation, which I believe you deserve.
Much has been said of my involvement with an organization called ACORN, supposedly a community outreach and citizen activist group in Chicago. That was an important base of operations for a much larger — and I do mean significantly larger — mission.
Let’s begin with my birth. Though he’s something of an arrogant fop, Donald Trump is correct. Part of our strategy is to reveal bits of truth through unlikely or seemingly non-credible sources, so that we inoculate ourselves. In reality, I was not born in Hawaii. My entire Hawaiian identity is a ruse; it’s fictional. If you only knew how easy it is to fabricate documents, even to the point of replacing the few microfilm copies of the Honolulu Post that exist, and the two or three dusty binders of crumbling back issues in libraries, you would be surprised.