Brother, beware! Obama wants your closet, too.

Editor’s note: the following piece was written by Shanna Philipson. –RA

Brother, beware! Obama wants your closet, too.

Before you cast your vote for Obama, you may want to consider his views on your pants.

That’s right: Obama wants you to pull up yo’ pants. In an obvious appeal to the grandmother vote, Obama revealed his true conservative feelings in an interview posted today on MTV.com. Responding to a write-in question from a young man, Obama stated:

…brothers should pull up their pants. You’re walking by your mother, your grandmother, and your underwear is showing. … What’s wrong with that? Come on. There are some issues that we face that you don’t have to pass a law [against], but that doesn’t mean folks can’t have some sense and some respect for other people. And, you know, some people might not want to see your underwear — I’m one of them.

Never has a candidate reached deeper into the collective American closet than now. Pull up my pants? For real? Where will this lead, and more importantly — where could this end? For example, under an Obama administration would we have to tuck in our shirts? Tie our shoes? Slick down our cowlicks and groom our eybrows? Would we have to say “excuse me” after we burp? Or “pardon me” when we step on another’s toes? Will we suddenly need to know which fork to use — or the difference between “who” and “whom”?

Sure he says we don’t need to pass a law to accomplish these reforms, because he knows what you and I know, too: Obama + your grandmama = The Law. Don’t need a silly paper law; some laws are written into every scowl and smirk you’ll face at the breakfast table. Think you’ll be walkin’ out the door with your Roca’s hanging low? No, sir, brother. If Obama becomes our president, every woman in your life will have presidential permission to gut your wardrobe. Before you can say “Salvation Army donation” you’re gonna be in your Sunday School clothes Monday through Saturday. And if you don’t have Sunday School clothes now, you will.

So when you enter that polling booth tomorrow and see the “Obama/Biden” button, sure, push it. Convince yourself you’re doing your thing for “History” and congratulate yourself for overcoming racism in this county. But don’t be fooled about what this man is going to do to your style: A vote for Obama is a vote against sagging.

That’s right. Vote for Obama, and then go buy yourself a small belt. You’re gonna need it.

Yours & truly,
Shanna Philipson