It’s Not Easy Being Like Me

Note to Readers: Normally Planet Waves has strict rules against anonymous writers, however, when we got this essay from Arachne Anonymous, we thought, well, close enough. Ms. Anonymous went to journalism school before attending the International Academy of Tarot and Theosophical Studies in Ottawa, and is now an acclaimed bungee jumping instructor at Yosemite National Park, which has recently been purchased by the United Arab Emirates to pay off the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. — efc

By Arachne Anonymous

You don’t know what it’s like — you wake up every day and the whole world expects you to be you. Or rather, they expect me to be me. It doesn’t matter what I really think; because I am so closely affiliated with myself, I have totally lost my independence. I am standing in my own shadow. I’m stepping on my own lines. I have become a plagiarist. I am starting to write just like me. For several days I have even quoted myself, and I never got permission. This affiliation with myself has gotten totally out of hand.

I used to be an original: something quirky, a little unusual, a bit odd, special even, a real boutique item. But since I’ve started writing like myself, and taking all my own ideas, I am now just another one of me. Every day I become more and more like myself, and I feel like I’m slipping away, unable to actually really be me.

I feel this pressure to conform to myself that I just cannot explain. In fact when I write, I sound so much like me, I have no idea who it really is writing, or what I really think. I try to ask myself and all I get are these thoughts that just sound more and more like me. It’s to the point where I just cannot tell who is me and who is really me.

The terrible part is that I am expected to conform to myself, which robs me of my individuality. I am trapped within myself — deep within. It’s like I’m wearing this magic hat that keeps my brain and my ideas from being original, even if I feel they’re really special, some part of me says, “No, that’s not really you. It’s just you.” When I read my natal chart, it’s like this template of who I’m supposed to be. It’s like the chart is saying, “You must become me! Even if that means you’re no longer going to be yourself.”

Since I have become so closely involved with myself, I no longer feel original. Every time someone sees me and says, “Oh! It’s You!” I have this urge to, well, I cannot say that here, you would think it’s really out of place. Then I think, “You don’t really like me. You just think I’m like me.”

Life was so much simpler before I revealed who I was to myself and wanted to be that way. I could be just anyone. I lived a normal life. Now that I’ve been acting more like me, there are all these kids camped on my front lawn. You might think this is the “Occupy Me” movement, but it’s been going on for three years.

It all started when my landlord rented a little spot on the lawn to a kid with a tent. I acquiesced because I knew he loved me so much, and he wanted to be me. I figured, “That’s so cute, how bad can that be?”

Now, I step out of the house and go to work and I have to walk past all these people sprawled out all over my lawn who have expectations about who I am supposed to be. I used to think, “Am I walking down my front walk like me?” or “Is this how I usually get into my car?” “What CD would I put on, if I were really me?”

Finally i went to therapy, and I said, “I’m just coming for therapy. I’m not really your client.” This person who is not really my therapist gave me a strange look, like he expected me to just conform to him somehow. He asked me how long I’ve had this feeling, of thinking I should be myself, but being deeply disturbed by it. I said it went back as long as I can remember.