Gov. Cuomo Warns of Impending Ice Age

ALBANY — Gov. Andrew Cuomo today warned New Yorkers that an ice age was impending, and that they should prepare for 10,000 to 15,000 years of glaciers, Arctic superstorms and generally chilly weather.

“I know this comes hard to those of you who just accepted that global warming is real,” he said today in what may have been the last press conference in his frost-crusted executive offices.

“But we have new data, and the ice age has officially begun.” He then dipped a quill pen into the executive ink well once used by Gov. George Washington, and signed the declaration. There was muted applause in the room.

“Some of you may be tempted to downplay this and act nonchalantly. If you do, you risk ending up on display in a natural history museum at some point in the very distant future,” he said.

He added that schools across the state will be closed today and tomorrow, and that low-lying areas in New York City would be evacuated. Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs on Surf Ave. will remain open through the Ice Age, following a long-standing company tradition.

The Ice Age was forecast to have high winds, cooler temperatures, the extinction of thousands of species and a general rearrangement of geologic features, such as cliffs and mountain ranges.

“We’ve had to cancel service on the D train as well as the 1, 2 and 3. We plan to leave the Thruway open for as long as possible, but it’s going to be difficult to get our plows through 20 feet of ice,” he added wistfully. “We have used up all the salt we had left, even that huge pile near Exit 31.”

Prof. Constantine Yapizago, a paleontologist from the State University’s Albany campus, confirmed that sometimes ice ages would emerge rapidly over a short period of time, heralded by a single storm. “We have evidence of this from mammoths we dug out of the ice whose bellies were full of tropical fruits and foliage,” he said.

“They didn’t even have time to digest their breakfast. They were just swallowed in solid ice and frozen for the next 12,000 years. Think about it. That could be you.” He described cyclonic storms that would come up from the south, only to be met by cold air masses from the north, which would then rapidly transform a normal landscape into instant permafrost, sometimes miles deep.

Officials at the National Weather Service said that this would be called Ice Age Hussein, because it was the eighth Ice Age on record, and that men’s names were being used now.

Meanwhile, state officials admonished New Yorkers to stay calm. “Do a little last minute shopping but don’t panic. Go to the drug store and get batteries for your radio, so you can listen to the Weather Service,” said Joe Bloost, assistant commissioner for the Office of Emergency Management. “Check your flashlights, and make sure you have some water on hand. Don’t forget your mittens. Ice ages are extremely serious and this will be the worst one on record.”

Mitt Romney called a press conference while campaigning in Texas, where he blamed the Ice Age on Pres. Obama. “I want to help you build the future of your dreams. I want to restore America to its greatness. But look what four years of the current administration has brought us.”

The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office said that a report on the impending Ice Age had been sitting on the desk of the Republican-controlled Environmental Committee in the House of Representatives, with a sticky note saying “DO NOTHING.”

According to a new Gallup-Yale University poll, the Ice Age would only affect liberal voters in swing states, particularly Pennsylvania, New Hampshire and Ohio. “Apparently the conservatives are already chilled down to absolute zero. This kind of geologic event doesn’t seem to affect them,” said a Gallup spokesman. “When we survey Republicans frozen into glaciers, we get approximately the same results. They are surprisingly stable in their views, even as far back as the mesozoic era.”

State officials said that plans to bring fracking to New York State would continue on schedule. Halliburton and Exxon-Mobil were beginning a new venture “to extract every cubic centimeter of gas out of every last rock,” and they would begin with Catskill Park, according to a press release.

“This is terrible. We cannot begin the new Ice Age dependent on fossil fuels,” said Julia Walsh, ‘fractivist’, as she tried to dig her car out of the early beginnings of a glacier on State Street. “Niagara Falls is about to freeze. We have to go to solar power before it’s too late.”