FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT PERSON:
Dee Dee Ann Barstow
Long Life Pharmaceuticals
The Social Satisfaction Chip (SSC) has finally been approved as an option for public use. Developed originally to conform the mentally ill into socially functional entities, the SSC has now been approved by the Food & Drug Administration for use in maintenance and repair of families and love lives.
For decades, the SSC was shrouded in controversy and conspiracy theories, although claims of alien abduction were not regarded with much credibility. Some victims claimed a chip had been implanted in them in an attempt to brainwash or control their minds. Government denials merely intensified the widespread belief in such a conspiracy, although the government has seemed as surprised as anyone else by increased UFO sightings.
The most controversial use of an implanted behavior modification chip, however, was its well-publicized use in control of unrehabilitatable criminal offenders. A major objection to the Criminal Rehabilitation Chip (CRC) was that individuals programmed to avoid violence and to obey all laws were thus rendered ineligible for military or mercenary service as well as politics, thus severely limiting career options. The chip developed for this use was undetectable without a special scanning device, to prevent unauthorized removal, and courts were liberal in allowing implantation without the knowledge or consent of the patient.
Unfortunately, the skyrocketing sales of three wildly popular electronic toys imported from China and Uraguay – the best-selling Vampire Finder and companion Zombie Detector, and at least one programmable Christmas tree topper – turned out to be due, in part, to their electromagnetic frequencies, which permanently de-activated the Criminal Rehabilitation Chips when used within twenty feet of the implanted person. The number of habitual criminals released with such implants and subsequently deprogrammed will never be known.