Editor’s note:If you have a question you would like answered and explored in this forum, please email Jan at Drjanseward [at] gmail.com. Letters may be edited for length and clarity. Don’t be shy — we’re enjoying what our readers come up with! — amanda
Hello Jan,
My question is about the intense energy experienced at the start of a potential sexual relationship. It is potent, of that there is little doubt. It can feel powerfully creative. It is also a playground for projection and fantasy. Where is the middle ground? Can something so powerful also be healthy and productive? Can you surrender to it without losing the plot?
Thank you!
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Well, you said it. The ‘urge to merge’ is never so great as when we’re in the throes of a new sexual relationship. Your question speaks to the difficulty we can have of maintaining a separate sense of self while giving ourselves over to intimacy with another, in a space where boundaries can dissolve. Whether or not we can enter that space depends on who we are coming in, how permeable our boundaries are to begin with, and how comfortable we are with opening the gates.
That this place of melding boundaries is a playground for projection and fantasy is also certainly true, and it can become a battleground or a prison as well. Who sets the rules, who initiates, what responses are acceptable — all become part of the dance and each partner has to figure out the steps. What we bring to the encounter from our history will say everything about the fantasies we project onto our new partner and their ability or willingness to fulfill our fantasy or even play along.