Selma and me, we first met in a dumpster, but don’t either of us remember it. We was only a day or two old, see. But maybe the memory’s there somewheres, do you think? I don’t know. Anyways, we was almost the last of the AO babies, and now I gotta explain that. No story is ever simple, is it?
Okay. The first AO babies was way before our time, they was babies with cleft palates and no eyes and extra toes or something from Agent Orange that was used to kill plants in war and peace. A lot of babies was born that way until the companies making it went belly up in the peak oil days. Then the second AO babies come along, like us. These AOs was Abstinence Only babies, during the mini dark age when drug stores got burnt for selling condoms and doctors executed other doctors by lethal injection for doing abortions. Well, we all know now how Abstinence Only worked – like, dude, it didn’t – and me and Selma were the result.
By the time me and Selma was born, though, there was so many AO babies and the Great 21st Century Depression was almost into its eighth decade and there was so many people going hungry they began eating the babies. I mean, can you blame them? They’re starving and they can’t feed the kid anyway so they might’s well eat it. But that woke up a few of the fat cats in Washington finally, seeing people roasting babies over trash drums on the tv, and first they just made it illegal to eat babies. Fat lot of good that did. I mean, we look back now and see how dumb they were and can’t believe it: the government makes it illegal not to have a baby even if you can’t afford it or don’t want it, and then makes it illegal to eat it when you’re starving? Well, anyways, that didn’t work, as anyone could’a told �em, �specially after the Papal Bull saying if you have to choose between suicide by starvation or eating your kid, eating the kid is the lesser sin so long as it’s under the age of reason, whatever that is.
Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. So finally there’s enough women in congress to actually matter, and what they did – the women, I mean, god love �em – they passed this law that sounded so right no one could stand up and say no to it. It was called the Child Responsibility Act – the CRA, or actually the CRA#1, because the second one came so close after. The CRA simply said the government would guarantee a child’s right from birth to age 21 to total health care, 24/7 parenting, lower and higher education, adequate clothing, food, and housing. The idea was to make those babies worth more alive than roasted, but then of course there was the question of where the money would come from, so that’s why they passed the second Child Responsibility Act, or CRA #2, which funded the whole program by a 75 percent tax on any group or individual or institution that impeded or discouraged or prevented access to birth control and abortion.