Every Sexual & Emotional Orientation is Different

Dear Friend and Reader:

I’m here with one last report from Loving More East Coast. When most of us grew up, there was straight, gay and maybe bisexual. Bisexual has long been controversial, particularly among those who consider themselves firmly on the queer side or the straight side.

NYC-based sexual civil rights attorney Diana Adams, covered in two entries below. Photo by Eric Francis.

Today we have this thing called LGBTQ — an acronym you can’t pronounce that stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer. Of course if you’re heterosexual that doesn’t include you, but at least there is some growing recognition that there are a diversity of sexual orientations and that we need to work from common ground. If we did this acronym right, it would be LGBTQ-Y, since You have your own sexual orientation.

LGBTQ does not include numerous points of orientation: whether you go in the direction of having one partner or lover, or more than one; whether you prefer sex with people you know well, or whether you prefer it with those who are unfamiliar; whether you’re more oriented on others or on yourself. It does not include any of what you might call “shadow tendencies,” such as when someone tends toward monogamy but also tends to find partners who do not.

The word “polyamory” in theory means the option to have multiple relationships with the full knowledge of your partners (and vice versa), but in reality it’s an honoring of relational diversity. (The term “polyamory” means no one thing; it’s is an umbrella term that covers at least 10 different established forms of relationship.)

We at this conference know that no two people have the same sexual or relational orientation; and I hold out the faith that everyone else is figuring out the same thing. In fact, I am sure you’ve figured it out at least five times that you don’t fit in any “normal” relationship box, as many times as you’ve tried. That box you can’t cram yourself into might be suburban marriage and it might be urban dating or speed dating or any dating. I am certain there are things that you know about yourself that you know are right and true, but are concerned that other people don’t think are right. And of course you have felt the enormous pressure to conform: to get married when you don’t want to, to ignore your bi tendencies, to conceal your sexual history from a partner.

So now we come to the question of individuality. When, exactly, do you get to be you? When you’re sitting with a group of your friends, do you really get to say exactly what’s on your mind, or do you fear judgment? That’s the question. And if I had to sum up the purpose of the Loving More conference in a simple idea, it’s a place where anyone who comes here gets to be exactly who they are in terms of their relational life. You may not get an opportunity do anything specific or meet anyone who engages you closely as a potential partner, but what you get is a chance to speak your mind, hear from others on a similar path, learn some tools to help you exist in a world where every little advantage counts.

If you’re curious for more of my writing on the subject (astrological and non), here is a Google link that will get you started. There is more in this series at Compersion.org. And I’ll come back to it another time.

I’ll catch you later tonight with the daily aspects for next week, co-written with Genevieve Salerno.

Yours & truly,