When it’s done and over, a man is just a man.
— John Perry Barlow
Today is Wednesday, Feb. 1, 2012. Today Venus is opposite Mars. Or rather, Venus in Pisces is opposite retrograde Mars in Virgo. An opposition is an aspect that can represent a standoff or impasse. This is not always true; if you have oppositions in your chart, you may be familiar with the different ways they express themselves, until you get a handle on the energy and take control of the inner qualities represented by the aspect.
That’s another way of saying take ownership of both sides of the opposition rather than projecting one of the planets onto others and having it express itself as a standoff or power struggle. In male-female relations, that can be a challenge.
It would be less of a challenge if, for example, every marketing department in the world were not working around the clock to exploit the differences between men and women; if there were not so much pressure on both sexes to have so many expectations on the other; if there were any tolerance at all of different approaches to relationship; and if women and men could have any vestige of their traditional roles without being made wrong and wanting it all, at the same time.
Yes, if only. So in this environment, when we see an opposition between Venus and Mars, the first thing that comes to mind is that there’s some kind of antipathy in the air.
Yet if we consider the sky carefully, we get a message — and the message is that all things are not equal. We find Venus in direct motion, in a sign where she has strong dignity — Pisces. Venus in Pisces is a woman who is encouraged to be a woman, and is happy being so.
We find Mars in Virgo — a planet and sign that are not so simpatico with one another; and Mars is retrograde. This is Mars compromised in his masculinity, in his power of assertion and basically reduced to an idea. Looked at another way, Mars is spending some time inside the feminine mind (represented by Virgo), compelled by circumstances to be reflective, to analyze carefully, to consider the psychology of the situation.
We live in a time in history when men are routinely conditioned to be less like men, that is to say, more feminine, which would be okay except that they’re often expected to man up, on command. It is a strange double bind, and it’s not usually spoken of openly; it’s not politically correct to consider the situation and indeed the plight of men. Just like there is not White Awareness Month, there is no Mens’ Rights movement — why do men need any more rights than they already have?
Yes, well, let’s not play that game. This particular setup, with the signs involved and the special condition of Mars retrograde, is a shout-out to men to figure out just what their situation is — whatever it might be. The message is to define yourself, as you want to define yourself. Stand apart and stand back if you have to — whatever it takes to be yourself, from the inside out.
One other thing. For hetero men, there is always this idealized vision of Woman, the Impeccable. Despite how much of that is an image cultivated by 90 minutes’ preparation to be seen by the world, it’s a powerful archetype and the subject of plenty of projection. Real independence begins when that projection is called back and fully credited to one’s own vision or experience. That is to say, own your inner woman and then you’ll start to be on equal terms with all the other women around you.
Additional coverage of Neptune in Aquarius is at the Reality Check diary.
Looking for insights on how this week’s astrology affects your personal Sun and rising signs? Eric Francis interprets the signs every week, every month and every year. Weekly and monthly horoscopes are in Planet Waves and Planet Waves Light. Annual readings are in a special edition called Revolution. Revelation. Reality Check.
Sarah,
That kind of honesty is the ideal but I can also see where a person in that position may worry about hurting the other person if they are honest about not feeling an attraction or connection. Too often they are honest only to be treated like a bastard for being so. It is really difficult for people to relate when there’s an unequal attraction or connection.
Not only is the onus on the person not feeling attraction to be honest but there is also the onus on the one feeling the attraction to accept the other person’s honest lack of same and not act as though they are a jerk for saying so.
In other words, it makes no sense to be dishonest or to play the victim when someone is being honest. If someone doesn’t feel attracted to another, that other should respect that and back off. They might be hurt but they should still back off without recriminations. They should not blame the person for not feeling attracted or for telling them. It is that blame that often keeps people from being honest.
Amanda – I agree too, and I have had your experience of being misinterpreted quite often.
For me, it’s not the misinterpretation that is significant as much as the communication that stems from that. Yes, it would be great if we all understood each other well enough to avoid confusion, but that doesn’t happen. So the next best step, imo, is to be open and kind about how I’m feeling, and how I’m not feeling.
Internet dating is great for this – it gives you a lot of practice! And as uncomfortable as it can be saying, “I like you and I enjoy your company, but I’m not attracted to you.” it can also be freeing. It doesn’t mean there aren’t hurt feelings, but I’ve never felt attacked, or felt the need to attack back when this happens to either person. I think that is the start of how to relate.
Body language is important but what happens to internet relating? There’s no voice inflection, no facial expressions, no body language to go on. Just words on a screen and all the baggage we carry with us interprets those words.
That makes those kinds of relating harder than face-to-face and these days, more and more people are getting together on the internet before meeting in real life. What does that say for male-female relating?
No matter what, people have got to stop playing baggage-driven games with one another.
That would be a start.
and paying attention to sincere body language.
I meant, to the other person’s sincere body language….
a beautiful reply Amanda, and it shows how much you care and that you have a wonderful capacity of awareness.
I’m not going to lie when I say that I can misinterpret a smile or gesture, esp when I think the woman is attractive. I’m not going to dismiss my urges either – that’s me inside there! My responsibility is in keeping my integrity and motivation in line with a healthy awareness of how I act on those impulses, and paying attention to sincere body language. And on a deeper level, how I act on intuition, which can feel the same as a base impulse if I’m not careful.
Thank you for this conversation! Can I have your phone number?
…just kidding.
😉
HS
Agree with you Amanda. I stopped-started this message a number of times thinking “why tax my energy?!”.
I spent my 30’s taking the initiative to ask men out on a dates. It was so empowering! The fact that I can attest to not having a ‘type’ of man I find attractive and each one differed: academically, financially, creatively etc didn’t change a thing.
The pursuit of a man displaces the balance of power; 9 times out of 10 it turned into a game of I’ve got your nose – my nose.
I’ve tricked myself into turning my huntress impulse off, (venus in sadge is a huntress), and feel in that now in my 40’s, I have nothing to prove. Accomplished in facets of my life I would otherwise project onto men, I am at liberty to explore the age old landscape that men need to feel like hunters.
Let them hunt! Some of them have serious handicapped hunting skills, but hey! I’ll leave a trail that one will be able to follow… 😉
all good points — i do not deny the copious double binds modern men find themselves in. i really do empathize.
and i can’t speak for other women, but i’ve certainly been rebuffed by men when i’ve shown interest or made a move first. i’m not saying that it’s the norm, or even that i’m the one asking the majority of the time. i know i get asked more than i ask. but it has happened. i have made the first invitation to get together/share a meal/have a date/hang out/dance. sometimes i’ve gotten a yes, sometimes a no.
and as far as how i treat a man who likes me but is not the “right man” or “right type” or it’s not the “right timing,” i confess that it can be difficult: in a world where callousness can be the norm, kindness can look like a “yes” when it’s not actually a yes.
guilt can complicate things. as in, “oh, i actually smiled and was fully engaged in my conversation with him, now he thinks i’m really into him but i was just enjoying the conversation. now what?” a lot of women have a hard time saying no when they mean no — and then the guilt over that gets turned back on the other. it can get nasty.
i don’t like the sense i sometimes get that there’s no space for interest and enjoyment of someone, without feeling like i’m leading someone on, in between “i’m NOT hot for you” and “let’s fuck.” where’s the middle ground?
i don’t want to close myself off; i genuinely enjoy meeting new people — including men — and talking to them. but i get the feeling so many women *do* close off, that any ray of simple appreciation shining out stands a good chance of being misinterpreted for more than it is.
i kind of think we’re all in this double bind together, even if it’s tougher for men right now.
i think i’m wondering just how young we have to start teaching kids open communication skills in school in order to start undoing this. clearly it has to come with self-esteem/self-worth lessons, so that the message, “i like you, but not that way” can be heard without devastation — or feeling guilty that it might be.
and yes, despite feminism, we still have a long way to go in evening out the social norms on initiating dating invitations, sex and the conversations that go with them.
Huffy – perhaps 35 minutes total for me for the whole shebang. They lost me at “cleansing and toning” however – what (not-so) vital aspect of my toilet am I missing? 😉
I cannot fathom spending 81 minutes of the day to get ready. I say that as someone who gets up at 4:30 so that he may slide gently into the day, and not be frantic in any way. Besides, I’m required to be at school at 7:30 or thereabouts, I have to factor in a 20 mile commute, so it is early days for me.
I’m with Eric on the grand questions of balancing male and female, Mars and Venus. So much has changed within the almost 35 years of my life that it makes most previous generations look like Neanderthals in comparison. Today’s generation makes me feel like a Homo Habilis most of the time, for they have advanced and grown (for the most part) in ways we could not anticipate when we were at that same stage of life.
So here’s to hoping the answers start arriving before I’m too old to appreciate them!
Eric, YES!!!!!
I think that the question is what women can do to support men in being men. Any guy except an actual wife beater has been influenced by feminism to take extra steps to be considerate of women and their rights of personhood. The same has not been applied to men.
Many, many assumptions are made about men, by women. How much energy – money – bandwidth do we really have? How privileged are we, really? How powerful are we, just because we’re men? Well, the truth is that men are a lot closer to women than women think. We are up against the same forces. I personally don’t know any masters of the universe. I just know guys who work really hard and try to do their best.
What about the demand that men be sensitive and receptive, then that we have big hard cocks and take control on demand? We’re now expected to be extra sensitive at the same time we’re supposed to be impervious to irrationality or extreme emoting. The two states are not compatible with balance or with one another.
What about the double bind of women sending the signal and the message (in words, school classes, therapy, yadda) that men cannot be too aggressive, and yet women never make the first move. But then we have to figure out when you’re ready to have us make the move…and how to walk that fine line between assertive, and too aggressive, without being told. It can be maddening. How do you respond to being treated kindly? What do you do when a guy likes you but he’s not the “right” guy or the right type of guy — how, exactly, do you treat him?
This kind of thing.
Carrie—yeah, isn’t it awesome that they have the freedom and power to be true to themselves? And many in their generation support it. Real cause for joy, :>)
I agree.Amanda–I really hear you girl. My feelings after reading the post the first time were very strong—as I said , my feelings about Patriarchy ( which devalues both masculine and feminine realities in the power grab by both men and women no matter what over no matter whom.)
And I found I was going back to my angry Eris wounded Lilith place of damn it–remember that John Lennon said — Woman is the N—- of the World?: Come ON! Yes that was my first reaction to this post–but I had to re-read.
My projections have injured me and others and they have been based on ignorance and fear and Patriarchal concepts. I am getting very old now. I have got to be willing to be empowered out of this sense of powerlessness that is simply my own powerlessness to be true to me–to find out who she really is and what she really wants and then be it, do it, accept it.–as Eric stressed in the RRRC for Virgos.
This Mars retrograde (which is in my second house) is for all of us (but the house helps narrow down the field of questioning). Who am I ? What do I want? Asked in each situation is hard work, It takes time and feedback. But, it appears that for me, it is the only way to be peaceful holding the chalice at this moment (for this post) so that the equal creative energy in me will come out appropriately when needed in the next event that calls for that kind of creative energy.
I love your genuineness and honesty in your comments, Amanda and am happy to get a chance to add my two cents of my own first reaction. I love the freedom here at PW that you take leadership in and that Eric allows.
Alexander–true to yourself true to yourself true to yourself
xo (((all)))
Burning! You posted:
“And it is so helpful that your suggestions apply to us all, from gendered to non-gendered.. (My son told someone once he was asexual, that seems non-gendered to me. He was modeling and was not dating. He had been asked about his sexual preference.)”
OMG. I am SO glad you added this little part! I have a daughter who is asexual. Not that she doesn’t feel attraction to men, she just has no desire for sex or relationships or pairing up. She says she is asexual because she likes guys as friends but doesn’t want to get sexual at all. She has not been molested and she has no skewed perception of sex (no religious or parental programming against it is what I am getting at) yet she has no desire for it or romantic relationships.
I wonder if people like her (and your son) are feeling this way because their generation isn’t buying the social pressure to “pair up” or “get sexual” or “find romance” blah, blah, bah? Maybe they feel free enough to say “hey I am just not interested in all that” because their generation is the one which is blazing a new path to acceptance of ALL kinds of people. If so, that is a wonderful step forward because they are NOT subscribing to polarized gender roles or any roles at all. They are making their own roles that feel right to THEM. Mars opposite Venus indeed! Not polarized but the way through both.
“This has a strong feeling of bearing witness, from a feminine perspective, today — which is an active process. A holding — woman as the cup, the container.”
i appreciated reading that, because, at the risk of sounding like a self-absorbed, whiny white chick, part of me was wondering, “ok, but how does this translate for women? is this astrology a good setup for doing the same sort of meditation/exercise with our inner males/females as it is for men? what about MEEEEEEE?”
🙂
or maybe the post feels more confusing to me because my natal mars is in a feminine sign and my venus is in a masculine sign? or b/c this opposition is roughly square my moon?
by no means do i mean to take away from the validity of this post, because i think it is spot-on for men (from what i understand) and important to consider, both for men and women. these ideas need to be out there for people to encounter, for sure.
hhmmmm…. i think maybe i’m just feeling my own difficulties in finding and living from my center, gender poles integrated, with all of me present and accounted for. i know the opposite feeling too well, along with the tight, defensive, emotionally-miserly way it manifests; it’s too often the accustomed position. i have only recently had a taste of what it feels like to really be in that center; definitely not maintaining that position consistently yet. but i’d like to. i think i’ll be a helluva lot happier, as will those around me.
what came as a surprise for me last week was discovering how much more of myself was compromised in my relationship to my father; i always saw my mother as the bigger issue, though it’s all part of the same picture. like petithibou, i felt an immediate shift with the discovery — i’m just not sure how to stay in that space yet. old habits do die hard, i guess.
anyway, thanks for indulging me… and thanks again sarah for the reminder that holding space is an active contribution. and more importantly, that i do not *lose* any of myself when i do so.
*deep breath*
Thank you Eric, for such practical advice for handling a topic that has undermined the ability of countless authentic individuals from taking their rightful and needed places in their communities. And thank you all commenters for your helpful and interesting comments.
Because I feel so helpless at times by the enormity of the social-cultural construct that has created this situations for literally billions of humans, I get intellectual often, and try to battle on that front of understanding and explaining. And remain polarized and confused often personally.
And then voices of wisdom through study and experience like yours shift a pointing arrow in my consciousness a little further in “The Direction” that will support needed power and energy of both the masc and fem in myself to create me and then live me.
And it is so helpful that your suggestions apply to us all, from gendered to non-gendered.. (My son told someone once he was asexual, that seems non-gendered to me. He was modeling and was not dating. He had been asked about his sexual preference.)
Your incisive insight and expression today are to me like Pholus-power– it is opening up in me a little deeper inward acceptance of responsibility for myself and for the projections I have attributed to others. So, Pholus-like, my inward response of enlightenment through openness will create eventually the desired long term dynamic integrity-effect in myself and all my relationships.Thanks to all, again.
+-+
Venus/Mars exactly conjunct my Asc/Dsc!
So this message is x 10 it feels. Boy, Mars in a prolonged stint at 22 Virgo bang on my Dsc has brought some sustained tension/conflict – a standoff that is showing no signs of abating.
Thing is, I can’t let getting in touch with my inner feminine (which I usually am anyhow) allow me to back down because it is always me who does and then gets to feel stupendously unhappy/disempowered.
I believe in humility and give and take but this can turn you into someone’s sucker!
…. dilemma indeed!
Come on guys – how long does it really take you to get ready in the morning?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8902503/Men-spend-more-time-getting-ready-than-women-research-shows.html
I really really appreciate this message today Eric. I had a less than wholesome father figure growing up, and my mom did the best she could. But this is just nourishing to read, to meditate on, to bond with.
Cheers man!
HS
“For hetero men, there is always this idealized vision of Woman, the Impeccable”. Thanks for this (and the wise words that follow).This is so true – and think it’s really important that we women realize this too. Think we unconsciously play along with that, and/or (unconsciously) try hard to live up to that impossible image, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
Todays meditation just happens to be on ‘self love.’
Love of self – deeply, clearly, with honor and respect.
You are the beloved for whom you have been waiting.
I just wanted to express deep, deep appreciation for that beautiful photo! I once had the great gift of living near a chunk of conservation land and had incredible views of trees from my apartment. When the lighting conditions were just right in the winter, the branches of the trees appeared to be espresso brown or virtually black against the sky. I spent many an hour meditating on one tree in particular…..you have brought back really joyful memories for me with this gorgeous photo! Thanks.
I’ve just read this message by The Barefoot Doctor, which I think is relevant here, especially taken in conjunction with what’s happening with Neptune:
“[T]hough I spend more hours of my life than I care to admit tapping on plastic one way or another and looking at things changing on a screen, making music, writing copy, communicating with others doing likewise, broadcasting, with an ever-palpable under-thrust to promulgate the proliferation of awakened consciousness, the point and thrill of all of it for me, and the reason I do it at all, is to gather as many of us together as possible as often as possible, and commune – in real time, flesh-and-blood reality.
At one level the format of the event matters very much – workshop, talk, performance, music event, party, retreat, and so on, all various ways of sharing these ancient mechanism-interventions that make life beautiful, but at a slightly deeper level, the form is just the form that gives us an ostensible rationale for being there. The real event is the communing, being together in truth and love. Because from that fusion comes the activation of supra-consciousness for all present – for there we meet the Tao…and the miracle of existence intensifies for everyone.”
“I share this because I am excited for the men who might be on the same type of journey, as Eric suggests, from the opposite end of the spectrum.”
I’m excited, too, PetitHibou! This has a strong feeling of bearing witness, from a feminine perspective, today — which is an active process. A holding — woman as the cup, the container.
Wahoo. This is so beautiful and so beautifully apt. I’m directing the latest local iteration of what used to be The Vagina Monologues… (Though we aren’t calling it that — proceeds are going to local emergency shelters.) I have three men involved, two of whom are writing their own monologues. A local woman is also writing her own monologue. Some I’ve picked from the “monologue bank.” I have a classic children’s story, a classic theatrical monologue (Moliere), a piece by Edward Albee, and a piece by Marguerite Duras… I am going fantastically nuts trying to put together a full spectrum. A 17-year old actress all the way to a 60-year old male musician. Female, male, and two that identify as queergendered. Full-spectrum. Destruction, creation, sadness, and celebration. Let’s jump in the lake together… (OK. The lake is frozen. The metaphorical lake, then.)
I am very excited. And I’ve organized our first night together as a group in a kicthen studio so we can cook together etc etc. We’ll be making our own pasta, shaping it however we want. Making sauce. And slurping it all up together. On the the night of Neptune’s ingress into Pisces.
I am loving how everyone is coming forward with their ideas, their need for expression, their own perspectives. And I am loving that they all trust me with their vulnerable selves.
That is all. Carry on. (I just had to spill. SO energized!! This is my kinda sky. On my chart, anyway.)
“That is to say, own your inner woman and then you’ll start to be on equal terms with all the other women around you.” I have to share how much this mirrors some recent breakthroughs around owning my inner male. Mostly father stuff, which has overnight shifted my relationship with authority in the external world, as well as the ability to better “father” myself, suddenly, at age 39. Next I am moving on to renegotiate/reconnect with my inner male in his guise as lover, and can already feel a shift warmly rising.
I share this because I am excited for the men who might be on the same type of journey, as Eric suggests, from the opposite end of the spectrum. Look forward to comparing notes, my brothers! May we enjoy this process. And thank you for underscoring & validating the direction my next steps in that last priceless paragraph, Eric! So empowering. In love~PH
Outstanding photo. Love those bare tree branches against the sky. There is so much in that simple motif, it goes on forever.
“The message is to define yourself, as you want to define yourself.” – Well put. Thank you, Eric.