Yesterday’s Mars-Saturn conjunction in Libra, though just past its peak, is feeding directly into this week’s next astrological highlight: Friday’s Leo New Moon. Both events have a direct connection to the centaur planet Nessus, which is in Aquarius.
As a centaur planet, Nessus is focused on the theme of healing. Yet it has a special job: it carries the themes of working through and understanding potentially inappropriate sexual contact (whether current, or in the past) as well as karmic cycles coming to an endpoint or release. Nessus in Aquarius in aspect to both the Sun and Moon conjunct in Leo, plus Mars and Saturn in Libra, is rather loaded. We get the additional question of crossing relationship boundaries (in a non-consensual sense) versus stretching them.
The New Moon in Leo is exact at 11:54 am EDT Friday. It can be thought of as our monthly ‘reset button’, a time when we can assimilate what we’ve learned over the past four weeks and set our sights (and intentions) on applying the insights to our next endeavors.
Given the presence of Nessus in the setup, the insights you come to in these days could tap into deep, old ‘stuff’ and/or may come via difficult interactions that trigger emotional reactions. Mars-Saturn felt like building relationship pressure for some – though it has had positive expressions, too. Nessus upped the sexual baggage ante and continues to play that card in its conversation with the Sun: when it comes to our sexual expression in the world (the collective ‘group’ of society), all sex becomes potentially questionable.
For example, there are situations in which perfectly consensual sex leads to a guilt reaction in a person. There are also situations in which the perception of inappropriateness dictates whether or not someone feels violated — rightly or wrongly. There are a great deal of unexpressed desires and partially-articulated boundaries that blur the fine line between ‘okay’ and ‘not okay’. Those blurred boundaries only serve to keep us from standing fully in our power as individuals, whether we’re dealing with one person or a whole group.
We’re being called to continually check whether we’re staying in our power as individuals, with a voice, in every interaction we have – especially any that are perceived to have sexual overtones. If you communicate when you feel that your power — your sense of safety or your sense of autonomy — is being threatened, you gain it back for yourself. You offer others clarity and awareness at the same time you claim it for yourself.
Articulating allows you to maintain some control over framing your experience — rather than letting your unquestioned perceptions frame you in a way that leaves you feeling powerless. When you give up the power of speaking up for yourself, any intimate contact can seem like a sexual violation – rather than a miscommunication of desires or boundaries — and old inner scripts can control the meaning of the experience. (Note, I am not talking about clear violations such as rape or child abuse).
I’d like to share an example of the Leo Sun opposite Nessus in Aquarius in action. This weekend, I had an experience in a dance workshop at dance camp that made me very uncomfortable – a rare thing for me in a community where I generally feel quite comfortable and safe with a wide range of physically, emotionally and energetically intimate exchange. In this case, I was engaged in a workshop known for a lot of close, emotionally vulnerable paired exercises.
One exercise was intimate in ways I did not think it should be, according to how it was demonstrated. I had paired up with a man I was familiar with, and was taken aback immediately by how physically confined I felt by how he was holding me. His movements and sounds also felt more sexual/physical than energetic/spiritual — my take was that we were aiming for the latter. I was not comfortable with any of it, but feeling physically restricted immediately prompted me to speak up during what was supposed to be a silent exercise. I said, “I’m feeling very restricted.” He immediately thanked me for speaking up and released the bear hug – but the rest of his movements continued to make me very uncomfortable.
I did not speak up again. Part of what bothered me was that he did not seem to be doing the exercise ‘like we were supposed to’. Immediately, an old inner script about not wanting to be overly critical or a control freak stepped in and shut me up. Once I had that story running, it totally overrode the relevance of my discomfort with what seemed like sexually charged contact. All I could do was wish for everything to end already — even opening my eyes and staring toward the instructor in hopes of being ‘rescued’.
I spoke with a couple friends later that night; they suggested I address it with the guy — for closure, for a chance to regain my power, for a chance to let him know my experience in case he was acting unintentionally and doing the same to others. It made some sense, but I was reluctant. I just wanted to forget the sense of violation.
I chose not to seek him out, but did agree with myself to initiate a conversation about my experience if I happened to see him before I left camp — which I did. As I began talking, I felt the well of emotion rise up. Not sure where it was coming from, and feeling embarrassed about it (another old, old reaction, I am figuring out), I stuffed it down and kept talking.
He received my words gracefully and with genuine appreciation, letting me know he may have been over-eager with the intimacy due to having just taken three different versions of the same workshop and knowing how ‘deep’ things get. He had not thought he was being sexual and intended nothing of the sort, but honored my experience of it being so, and was incredibly supportive of my need to address it with him. I began to cry and he held me — appropriately. He understood my release as well as the greater vibrational importance to our wider dance camp community for us to engage in this expression and processing.
I realized that my emotion had far less to do with the sense of inappropriate sexual energy and touching and more to do with my shame at not being able to continue speaking up — even though I knew that my saying, “I’m feeling restricted” was still more than I would have said three or four years ago in the same situation. I felt shame about getting stuck in a head trip — and he reminded me that I could feel good about the way in which I had spoken up, as well as taking initiative after the fact to speak further and allow some healing to take place.
Do I still think he was way off base in how he interpreted the demonstration of that exercise? Yes. But I also have some very visceral reminders (and support from my camp community) that expressing my discomfort is not the same as being hypercritical.
Eric made the point in his podcast this week that individuals often hand over their power to groups, and groups can become collective bullies. In my case, I handed over my power (in part) to the idea that the group exercise was more important than my individual experience. Luckily, that idea was not enforced by my community.
As we move through the rest of this week, in the background is an aspect offering an extra hand with any healing that may be necessary with the assimilation and reset process: Venus in Cancer trine Chiron in Pisces, which is exact as of this writing. Our emotional bodies, hosting the goddess of love, are open to receiving the deep, creative influence of a master healer. The key is allowing the flow; that means receiving the gifts being offered, even when the lessons giving them are prickly — or come disguised as a momentary loss of power.
Beautifully expressed, as always, Amanda. Thank you for sharing.
Amanda – Thank you for giving me something to research. I think I should have added Ceres to the group of planets conjunct the Sun in Virgo in the “discovery chart” for Salacia. That would add the feminine/nurturer/death and rebirth element to support the conscious recognition of Salacia’s meaning. Furthermore, that would put Saturn in Cancer in a sextile to the Virgo stellium, adding form and stability to such a slippery, watery symbol!
be
wow — i am truly humbled by how much this post is resonating with others, and so grateful to know it may be helpful in some way.
be — thank you for the info on salacia! it *is* really fascinating, and exciting to think that my story may help illustrate/delineate this object.
divacarla — yes, i knew when i wrote that sentence just how loaded it was, that it is exactly how those who have experienced severe violations tend to describe their thoughts and feelings. it was striking to me as well to find myself using that phrase, understanding that in its truth it put my experience along the same continuum as things like rape. by no means did i feel violated to that extent, nor do i mean to diminish survivors of sexual violence. it just took me aback a little to realize the connection.
and then i realized the power in being able to practice speaking up and addressing my smaller-scale version of the experience. i think shame can have seemingly innocuous but deep roots; maybe digging them up before they can really plant themselves will help prevent them from taking over the inner garden later on.
and heck — i actually enjoy weeding. 🙂
Hummingbird,
Thank you for being the adult.
I have no doubt you made a difference in that child’s life in ways he will never be able to attribute back to his moment with you.
Amanda,
Thank you for a helpful article, and for sharing your heartfelt story.
For me, this concept in particular stood out, “When you give up the power of speaking up for yourself, any intimate contact can seem like a sexual violation – rather than a miscommunication of desires or boundaries”.
From this I learn a sense of discernment not previously visable to me – the light switch flipped inside the dark room where only an old film was set on a loop. Excellent. Thank you.
Amanda, I have read this a few times. It’s touching me, bothering me, teaching me.
”
All I could do was wish for everything to end already”
Too many times I have listened to people use those words to describe violation of boundaries, sometimes severe.
How many times have I felt that way in an encounter that felt all wrong, whether it was being talked to like a child by a boss, or feeling on some level violated by a lover rather than adored?
I am glad you were affirmed after the fact, and that you took it as far as you needed to. I hope next time you do what you have to do to stop what feels bad to you while it’s happening. I hope I do too. And I hope I do so directly, rather than just sliding away as soon as I can, wondering what exactly went wrong?
Hello, Amanda,
I’ve just completed this post – and will post it because there’s something about putting the message in a public forum that I feel will help me personally.
It was prompted by your post from the dance place, and that threat to autonomy/sense of safety.
Yesterday, I was involved in a confrontation with a municipal bylaw employee. Had stopped to assist an elderly and disabled friend who had been bypassed by the local HandyDart – which was to have picked her up and taken her to a medical appointment at the hospital. It took some time for her to convey the information to me and for us to determine what could be done.
In the meantime, a white van pulled up behind my car, turned on overhead flashers and the driver called out that I was blocking the road. I assumed the men were municipal workers and called back that I was speaking with my friend. There was no traffic on this road at the time, which has seniors housing on one side and a community centre on the other.
As I was getting my friend and her walker into my car, one of the men came over and handed my a Bylaw Notice – “I had been warned,” he said. Not only was I blocking traffic but I had parked too close to a crosswalk. By now, there was one car behind the white van.
The van was unmarked, the men did not identify themselves as bylaw enforcement officers, nor did they tell me I was perpetrating a violation – until he handed me the notice. I had always understood that the local police were responsible for any traffic violations. Bylaw personnel wrote tickets if you overstay your metered parking.
A feeling of rage consumed me and I did not keep calm, cool and rational. This is the combination of circumstances that pushes that button for me.
I drove into the community centre lot to turn around, and there was a HandyDart parked though no driver at the wheel. My friend and I agreed that she would get out and arrange her transport with the driver when they returned. As I assisted her, the white van pulled up behind me again – apparently I had committed another violation.
This time, when I said I had no idea who they were, I was told they were ‘undercover’. In the next breath, I was told I should have known who they were from the flashing lights, the uniform (a bike outfit) and shoulder patches. He offered to take back the notice, but continued to lecture me on my wrongdoings – and eventually decided that I should keep the notice.
I was even more consumed with fury and we argued back and forth.
The combination of trying to help a vulnerable person, of being confronted by an unnecessary and inappropriate display of dubious authority – of being intimidated and bullied, violated – created frustration and outrage, of impotence? of being thwarted? – is overwhelming. I feel like I’m choking and can’t breathe.
And it was about a month ago that a similar situation occurred – I was waiting on the street for a car to vacate its parking spot, my signal was on – when an enormous black suv pulled up behind me and honked loudly before passing (on a double lane street). I waited some little time more but the driver of the car didn’t appear to be leaving so I went into the parking lot, where the driver of the suv had also parked. I asked him why he had honked at me and he replied that I should not be parking in the street, blocking traffic. But everyone does that, I said, it’s common practice when waiting for a parking spot. No, he told me, I was in the wrong. Again, a feeling of rage swept over me. Instead of laughing at the idiocy of his comments, I reacted in anger to the unfairness/illogic of the situation and to the smug, arrogant condescending attitude.
I just made the connection between the two episodes – and for the first time saw the combination of components that provoke this extreme reaction. It’s the same feeling that comes over me when I look out into the world – abuse of power, destruction of the vulnerable, refusal to listen, engage, act out of compassion. I know I’m speaking about myself in this as well as about the behaviours of these men. Ultimately, it was the arrogant assumption of power and misuse of authority that what? that scares me. I am the weak and vulnerable seeking protection and empathy and I’m the arrogant bully who tramples a person as casually as he would trample a flower.
This is as far as I can go right now – I feel grief and the tears welling up to help wash this away as if I’ve come to a place of termination, that this has been with me a long long time and will always be with me – part of me, my Leo sun and Cancer moon – and I will find a way to live with both.
Thank you for sharing your story, and to bKoehler for the Salacia post, both help me with my story.
Amanda,
In the spirit of “positive expression”, I thought you would be interested in the placement of Salacia in your aspect chart. This trans neptunian object discovered in 2004 doesn’t have much of a myth to build on and we can’t just go by the accepted definition of the word, but this symbol, as represented by the TNO who bears that name, forms a yod with today’s Sun (and tomorrow’s New Moon) sextile Mars and Saturn . I believe the telling of your story might shed some light on what Salacia might mean in any given chart, past, present or future.
Looking up the planets for September 22, 2004’s discovery date for Salacia might be a place to start. She was found at 13 Pisces, opposite Karma 13 Virgo, as a conjunction of Sun, Jupiter and Mars in Virgo was taking place. Hermes (aka Mercury) was conjunct the Galactic Center so she was meant to tell a story of a galactic nature. In fact, Mercury in Virgo was square Pluto in Sagittarius, acknowledging the difficult nature of telling the story, but also trine Chiron and Hekate in Capricorn suggesting the healing nature as well as the potential for evolving past the difficulties.
Salacia’s discovery degree has a Sabian symbolic picture of a fox fur stole wrapped around a women. Dane Rudhyar’s interpretation of this symbol includes the ability to adapt to any and all life situations. This would include utilizing the instincts, perhaps as a “camouflage”. It symbolizes a need to hide the central will but prevents unnecessary hardships. Rudhyar calls it “protective shielding”.
Recalling the mythology, Salacia was pursued by Neptune to be his bride but she was overwhelmed by his attention and hid from him. I believe that your above story as well as the degree symbology interpretation bears out the likelihood that this behavior will become part of the lexicology for Salacia’s meaning. What do you think? Her discovery chart’s conjunction of Sun (consciousness), Jupiter (expansion) and Mars (assertion), along with her opposition to Karma makes me suspect the timing is perfect. After all, she is the point of a yod and she is opposite Psyche, Hebe, Hermes and Logos in Virgo now.
be
please note: i erroneously stated the day of the New Moon as today, when i meant friday. apparently between re-acclimating after dance camp, a long day and eric’s “rocky horror” podcast, i fell into a time warp last night.
ketchup2 — i forgot i was logged in under the “admin” username when i published this. sorry for the confusion!
and thank you to all who have expressed how this piece has touched them. it is incredibly gratifying to hear.
Thank you so much for expressing what has been at the core of so much struggle in realms of my interpersonal life, both long and short term. You’re clarity and honesty go a great way toward helping me and other find a way out of confusion into greater understanding and empowerment. Deeply appreciated, and as always, serendipitous in its timing. Peace…
Miss Amanda, Thanks so much for sharing this story. Not too long ago I was at the park with my niece, who is four, where she was confronted with a situation of another little boy really invading her space. The first time I noticed it I let it go thinking it was kids overcome with exuberance in a playground environment, but it happened again. I stepped in and had a conversation with this young boy, he was probably about the same age. I couldn’t say that he understood nor that what I had said had an impact because, in truth, he and I hadn’t developed any sort of relationship to relating information. But, I would like to hope that it did help my niece understand that it was okay to stand up for herself if she should ever be confronted with that situation again. Also, it opened up a dialogue between her father and her, which I felt to be very important.
The last thought on this subject is that as these children were playing on the playground, I noticed that most of the adults were off somewhere else. So, even if I had no connection to this little boy, I was the adult in the nearest vicinity. As uncomfortable as I was in taking on this role, I had to make a decision about confronting this, because really I just wanted him to understand and I didn’t want him to do this again.
Thanks again for being so open about your experience. And it was nice to hear that this person was open to listen and understand how you had felt.
Amanda: Thank you. This piece has been a great deal of help for healing me, and i’m confident that the power of your eloquence will spread from this piece to heal many others.
Your integrity is a light.
Thank you.
Hi Amanda,
A wonderful and nourishing article. Thank you for writing about this and for sharing your experience. I congratulate you in going through these recent events with dignity and value for your person, and being present with your reactions.
…dear Amanda, blessings to you for your courage and strength, how lovely and heart-warming that you were able to clear this with your partner in dance, and it sounds that he is a true gentle-man…and wonderful that he was a kind, generous person who was able to give you comfort, during your explanation of discomfort. Being a Cancerian, my eyes-n-heart welled with tears at reading this description of your vunerability…may you heal within the radiance of Chiron in Pisces in resolution. Namasté.
“expressing my discomfort is not the same as being hypercritical.” yes! And also, applauding incremental changes…the mars Saturn conjunction is on my natal mars and I keep expecting thunder and lightning and drama. Especially since I’ve been locked in with family 😉 but I hadn’t been looking at how expressing in simple ways is making a big difference–as you did, just saying one thing at first, but it mattered. It was the “magic words” for the situation. Thank you for writing this…
Wow this really hits home Amanda. Thanks for being so vunerable in sharing your experience with the rest of us. Eye opening, heart opening, mind expending. The NVC type communication that everybody practiced here, even with the delays, is really encouraging. Astrologically, the new moon conjunction is opposite my natal mars/saturn/sun and and of course that means nessus is conjunct the natals. Wow. No wonder it has been feeling so intense.
Yes, I agree with Ketchup2. I have found this to be so true for myself – it takes courage, but it is so great, so empowering when I’m able to do it. I think that this is what is at the heart of NVC work, though I’ve never followed a course in it. Great stuff, Amanda, well done. Thanks so much for this inspiring piece.
“If you communicate when you feel that your power — your sense of safety or your sense of autonomy — is being threatened, you gain it back for yourself. You offer others clarity and awareness at the same time you claim it for yourself…. Expressing my discomfort is not the same as being hypercritical.”
This is incredibly powerful for me to hear right now. Thank you to whomever wrote this piece.
I would love to hear more thoughts on expressing discomfort.