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Dear Eric,
I would like to submit a question about some serious problems in my sex life for your weekly astrology Q&A. For the purposes of answering my question, here is my chart information.
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Tom from Book of Blue. Photo by Eric Francis. |
Saturday night, I brought a guy over to sleep with. We messed around for a bit, a friend called him on his phone, and I showed him out the door. I awoke late Sunday morning to find my wallet missing. Gone were my driver’s license, my credit and debit cards, my health insurance card, my metro card and everything else I keep in my wallet. I’ve spent most of the last few days trying to rebuild my life, a process that is no doubt going to take the next several weeks to complete.
Luckily, no fraudulent purchases were made on any of my cards, so the only material loss was about $100 cash that was in my wallet. Right now, that’s not much comfort. And this is not the first time something has gone terribly wrong with a sexual encounter.
In the past 18 months, I have twice contracted STDs from sex partners, both of which were treatable. In both cases, I used condoms, but caught the kinds of STDs that even safe sex can’t prevent. And at least two encounters have involved major subsequent interpersonal drama, far exceeding what one would ordinarily expect from a casual hook-up or one night stand.
All of my gay friends and acquaintances are EXTREMELY promiscuous, and I am happy for them and that they have such varied and fulfilling sex lives, though surprised that none of them seem to have the same kinds of problems I’m having. Compared to most of my friends, even compared to most gay guys I know, I have probably about five percent the number of sexual encounters as they do…perhaps sleeping with a guy maybe once every two or three months or so…while some of my friends have been known to have multiple encounters in the same day.
I just don’t sleep around that much, partly out of having high standards for the kind of person I want to sleep with, partly out of fear of rejection, partly because of body image issues and I’m sure there are other issues packed in there as well.
I wish I could enjoy the same kind of sex life that most of my friends have, not necessarily sleeping around with people multiple times a day, but at least being able to get what I want more than I do now without it constantly blowing up in my face. And I am deeply worried that worse encounters await me down the road.
My friends and house mates are trying to console me and tell me that I’ve just been the victim of bad luck. But I can’t help but wonder if there is a pattern here that astrology could shed some light upon. I took a look at my chart, and I noticed that I have Nessus transiting my 1st house Sun for the next decade. While I don’t have an intuitive grasp of the asteroids, I know that Nessus deals with themes of sexual abuse. Lately I feel like I’m destined to be stuck with a disastrous (or worse, non-existent) sex life for the forseeable future in spite of whatever precautions I make take to protect myself.
I already have a pretty limited sex life as it is. I don’t want to retreat further behind walls or make getting what I want any more difficult than it already is for me. I also don’t want to play the role of the victim in my own life, but I need help figuring out what I can do about all of this. I would appreciate any suggestions you might have for coping with these difficulties and for figuring out how to have a happy, healthy sex life that doesn’t involve getting taken advantage of or abused by sex partners.
Thank you!
– D.R.
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Dear D.R.
Excellent that you bring this up. The shadow side of sex is usually just that — left in the shadows. Your willingness to take this into light is precisely what’s going to get you to a new place; you and anyone who is willing to go there.
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Tom from Book of Blue. Photo by Eric Francis. |
Good call on Nessus. I’ll come back to that planet, the third in the Centaur group. What I hear in your letter, without looking at the chart just yet, are Neptune and the 8th house. Neptune deals with things being foggy or permeable and the 8th is about exchanges. You currently have Neptune (which is in Aquarius) hanging around your Sun and your ascendant, which is the essence of needing to both define and explore boundaries. You can’t really do one without the other, and you seem to be doing both.
Before I launch into your chart, I want to remind you and our readers that there’s no way I can really do this question justice in writing. I will do my best, but there are many dimensions to this set of circumstances, many of them go back to the past or the distant past, and to unravel them I need you present and working in an alive and dynamic way. However, we can point to a few obvious things astrologically and I can share some of my thoughts on stabilizing your erotic life.
Here is the chart. It will open in a new window. I’m leaving out your data to protect your privacy, but for our readers, D.R. was born in 1981 and he’s a natal Aquarius with an Aries Moon and Aquarius rising.
Okay, looking at this nativity, you have the Sun in the 12th house. That’s the yellow circle with the dot in the middle, and that tells me you are on one long quest to get to know yourself. I would rate the 12th house as the most difficult position for the Sun (or very close to it) because the Sun is seeking something definite — expression — and the 12th house is anything but definite. Having Neptune transiting your Sun and being very close to your rising degree is not helping matters, except that it’s pushing the issues, as you can see. At least you’re getting the message that you have to wise up. Always good news.
Transiting Nessus (that is, current position not shown) is pretty important right now. We will need to imagine where he is — right about aligned with the little orange upside-down horseshoe (the South Node). The alignment is pretty close, you’ve been facing this transit for about a year, and it’s a marker that this story has its roots in deep old history; old as in past life or lives, since that is one thing that the South Node indicates the most vividly.
My sense is that you are attempting to release some very old patterns, and you’re doing it by repeating them until you see them; then you can start making decisions, which you obviously are. Nessus can indicate sexually transmitted diseases and what I call “potentially inappropriate sexual contact.” That is a polite way to say questionable activities, intentions, motives and so on — but we don’t want to ascribe blame right away; rather, Nessus is a pointer to investigate your situation, and it will present various clues and evidence.
Whoever came over to your apartment the other night committed a crime, and he would probably be cured of that conduct by a night or two in jail. His mother might even agree. He probably came into your apartment specifically with the plan to do what he did. However, I suggest that you consider him an actor in the drama of your life, and suss out what he’s doing there. His story fits in with the tales of your STD incidents, which are essentially the same thing — episodes of taking where there really needs to be an honest exchange.
And you are the one who must now enforce that. And I do mean enforce, in the spirit of the Nevada City Border Patrol (this funny campaign from the 1990s in Nevada City, CA). The button (featuring a little guy with a crystal head) said, “Patrol your own borders. Police your own mind.” Neptune coming across your Sun/ascendant is reminding you that your borders and boundaries are foggy, spongy and permeable. So you need to do things like make sure you have good, working locks, and good working judgment.
Remember, you have the power to shift this situation. The way you shift it is with a conscious process of raising awareness. I understand you say you’re picky about who you have sex with, but I’m not there — so I don’t really know what that means on the inside. I don’t know your actual criteria, or your process for getting to know people, or what you’re looking for. It does not sound like you knew the guy from last weekend so well, so that’s why I bring it up.
You can make a basic checklist that will help you. Discussions of STDs and sexual history are essential at this point in world history and your history. I don’t think you need to be in a love affair with everyone you have sex with, but you do need to give them a polite grilling about who they are and what they have done in the past. You may think this will kill the sexual vibe, but I have not found that to be true; I think it’s partly a matter of finesse and also a matter of the truth being erotic. Think of it as a kind of sex-readiness test.
And if it does squish the vibe, count this as a benefit. The people who are not clear and straightforward are precisely the ones you want to be avoiding, and that’s how you avoid them: or it’s one way, anyway. Anyone who respects you is likely to think it’s a great idea that you’re asking questions, because they are protected in the process as well.
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Tom from Book of Blue. Photo by Eric Francis. |
Especially with foggy Mr. Neptune so present (and Nessus, which can have a Neptune vibe) you can’t have these discussions under the influence of alcohol or any substance and have them be meaningful — your subtle judgment will be impaired and you won’t trust your own decisions. Since most spontaneous sex happens under the influence of something, you’ll need to work out the calculus of this, i.e., how many dates till the guy comes over, etc. Also, you need to trust yourself enough overall to have a sense of when someone is being honest with you, but it’s not so hard as most people think. You do things like listen to what someone says and watch their face while they say it, and see if the two data streams have any correspondence.
Remember — you have a 12th house Sun, and that is about learning discernment; it’s about learning to sense yourself well enough to sense others.
Here are three clues about this. First, you have Mercury and Mars in the 1st house — close to your (very interesting) last degree of Aquarius ascendant. This tells me you have a strong desire nature and (consistent with a heck of a 12th) you have an erotic life that is driven by fantasy. This could lead you to project your images of others onto them and not really see them for who they are. Your desire nature may be so strong that you’re in conflict over it. The conflict clouds your awareness, and it serves as setup for potentially negative situations.
Next, you have Saturn and Jupiter on the 8th house cusp in Libra. You really do expect others to be honorable. This is better than cynicism. But you need to be realistic. Those planets are retrograde, and that means you have to take extra time to work the territory.
Clue three, you have Pluto in the 8th house. You want equality with people but you are also very, very subject to their power — a fact you may either not want to admit, or that turns you on, or both. The ideal erotic partner for you would have a strong dominant streak, but you need to be submissive in a way that works for you, i.e., by agreement, not by being taken advantage of.
This being said, you mention STDs. This is a real problem, and one that people who want to experiment sexually need to confront directly. Unfortunately, most people do not. The solution I have developed is to take time to get to know people sexually by sharing masturbation. It is really the only “safe sex” and fortunately it’s really hot. It also has a way of flushing out the sexual truth, and the rest of the truth, about who someone is. It’s a way to explore the erotic and psychic boundary between you and others, and to get to know them — but the exchange of karma is a lot lighter than with contact sex, the (physical) risk is basically nonexistent, but it’s very sexually intimate; in many ways more intimate than plain old sex. If you are having difficulty figuring out who people are, this may help. And if you pay attention, you will very likely find others who are willing to take this same approach to eroticism.
Along the way, I strongly suggest that you find a few play partners who you get to know well, without necessarily getting married or becoming boyfriends. This is not a concept that most people are familiar with — the usual choices are disposable one-night stand or permanent partner. There is plenty of territory of in between, and it can be a fun place to explore, with a greater chance of safer and saner encounters. And who knows, maybe you’ll find some friends you relate to sexually and otherwise who share your values and your increasing self-value — which seems to be the whole key.
I hope this helps a bit.
Yours & truly,
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