By Maria Padhila
A good share of poly people say they knew they were poly because they never wanted to break up with anyone. I’m still friends with almost all my exes, and I would climb right back in with most of them if it seemed like a smart and fun thing to do. I don’t have so many great people in my life that I can afford to let any go — if I really like someone, I crave to know who they are, what they’re up to, what’s moving them nowadays.
But over the past year I’ve had to begin pulling away from some relationships — some I didn’t know if I wanted to be in in the first place, some I was in out of obligation and duty as well. As Samhain and the season for letting go comes around again, I realize what I’m releasing isn’t the relationship, which really didn’t exist. It’s the hope and dream of a relationship.
There are people in my life about whom I berate myself for not reaching out, for not buying all the presents at the right times (I am terrible about presents, can’t stand giving or receiving them, and the people who really know and love me know that and rarely get me things), for being distant. Then I realize with a shock that they haven’t reached out to me, either. Why am I the one in the wrong, then?
The form of some of these relationships I’m letting go of hasn’t changed. It still looks like we’re doing and saying the same things. They may not know it’s different. But I’ve pulled out my energy, and pulled out my hope that the relationship could be anything real.
For instance, more than 10 years ago, my father was diagnosed with cancer. We have always had a difficult relationship, though it wouldn’t look that way to outsiders. During a phone call, I made the mistake of being honest — I said perhaps this would give him a chance to go back to being an artist in a way he had always denied himself since leaving school. He laughed disparagingly and said that was a stupid thing to say. (I had forgotten that real men aren’t artists.)
It was a strange time; I was living in South Florida at the time, feeling very isolated, and every night after getting off work around midnight, I would swim laps for an hour, back and forth, thinking and ‘writing’ in my head. Now I began crying as well, tears mixing with the pool water, stopping to honk into a towel. Long stretches of exercise, I had discovered once I hit my twenties, cause me to release all kinds of emotions and energy and creative thought, along with all the sweat and toxins. It works for me; I hope you can find something half as good for you.
But why was I crying? It had been years since I had been able to care about this particular man, as harsh as that sounds, as much as I knew I would be judged for it. You must love your father, your parents, the voices say; but the fact is many of us don’t love people in our families; sometimes these people have killed any natural love, if any was there to start with.
What I love is the idea I learned from being bi and having gay and lesbian friends: the chosen family. The world likes to say this can never be as strong as a blood connection, but when you see people caring for a chosen family member with AIDS, for instance, you know well that choice can be stronger than blood. Blood relationships, to me, are a tribal remnant. And what is marriage, so sanctified by most, but an ongoing choice to unite?
Inside myself I argued that he had taken care of me as a child, paid my way; I told myself I owed him because he let me live. But I knew if they had had a choice, I would not have been born; they had been trapped by religion and culture into bringing me to life, and I had the bad luck of resembling him in so many ways, being just like someone he hated, and I’d paid for it. I’d even been willing to go along with him and hate myself, almost to the point of hating myself to death.
That made us even, as far as payment went. As soon as I could, I got out and asked for nothing. I pulled myself loose, one spider thread at a time. A few times, I got sick, and they stepped in to help me, and their anger about this was clear. And I got loose again. I am enormously fortunate that they have arranged for their own care until the end of their lives, so I won’t be called upon to make the horrible, self-denying decision so many in my generation are having to make.
They say such sacrifice is ennobling. I say it’s been the death of too many adult children. (My own child will never owe me care, never. Her existence is her own, and I freely protect her own growth and life that’s been entrusted to me, briefly.)
Today, we are polite and even kind; I want their grandchild to know them and have time with them, but I’m careful even there to shape the experience, so she knows if she detects anything unkind we can talk and process it out at a level that works for her. And he has been cancer-free for years.
But back there in the pool, I couldn’t fathom my grief. It came to me in a sentence, as words do when I’m swimming, running, doing yoga or dance exercises — he is willing to die without having said a kind word to you.
Some people think I’m exaggerating about that; I’m not. Not a single nice thing, no compliments, no congratulations. Sometimes I wondered if he had that deep Eastern European ancestral memory that tells you: praise attracts the evil eye. That can cause a reflexive denial of praise or appreciation. But no; it was because by his lights I’ve done and been nothing worthy of a good word.
So I let go of the hope of a relationship, and as letting go does, it freed energy. I found in the next few years I had incredible amounts of power to shape life in interesting directions and got very deep into my pagan practice, political activism, and working closer to ways I desired.
I’ve had to do this in a milder way in subsequent years, this process of letting hope die. This year, I’ve had to detach from hope for a few friendships and for a closer relationship with my mother, who won’t acknowledge that she’s hurting people I care about. It feels like I’m the one being mean and unreasonable, but I’m used to being regarded as the bad guy, whether I am or not.
It’s giving up on the hope of some friendships that is more difficult — these arose out of choice, and I have no choice but to accept that just because I find someone entrancing and fun doesn’t mean they’ll feel the same way about me. It’s even harder when you see via Facebook all the fun stuff they’re doing with other people. I really believe I’ve become, regarding friends, the way others are about lovers — if those others are 14-year-olds! Very pouty, indeed.
It gets harder to make new friendships as we get older, precisely at the time our transforming selves need new people and new energy, just when we have so much more to share. But when I look at what I might have thought was a relationship and I see nothing but a dream, I have to let that die. No one sees the difference from outside, but I know it’s there.
The reality is — and risking being branded a solipsist, an experience that should not be unfamiliar to any of the Planet Waves regulars — these were all relationships with myself, and in transforming them I can find energy to shape them into good relationships with myself instead of swirling in a cycle of illusion. The real relationships, the ones in which there are active give-and-take, energy exchange, effort, love — these grow. As both poly and mono have said, relationships are like sharks — they move or they die.
“I say it’s been the death of too many adult children. (My own child will never owe me care, never. Her existence is her own, and I freely protect her own growth and life that’s been entrusted to me, briefly.)”
This might as well be the mantra of Generation Jones because I see it in everyone my age; we are not willing to do to our kids what was done to us and we won’t allow them to be torn between their own lives and caring for us. All kind words aside; my parents’ generation (the Silents) were fortunate as adults and they (generally speaking ) seem to have an entitlement attitude that drives Gen Jones nuts (visit generations forums sometime and you will see this). I don’t ever want to be like that to my kids.
Rituals often help us break free when we can see the hope and dream is not reality. Pagans have some good ones for doing that.
Hi Maria, I have to thank you for sharing this incredibly moving piece. Especially regarding your father. I’ve been struggling with/trying to figure out the relationship between my energy levels and my ties with certain friends/family. You have given me so much food for thought…and dare I say, hope (a kinder and gentler hope for myself). Thank you.
“The fear of loosing their world as they know it (which generally boils down to loosing control over their world) is monumental and causes all kinds of odd behaviours to emerge”. Yes, this is so true, Greenstar. Thank you for your wonderful, compassionate comment, and for the link, too.
Thank you Maria for this touching, honest and emotionally rich piece.
It seems that often women (and I’m sure many men as well) go thru this phase when we come up against the part of us that has been holding the veil of illusions over our eyes for so long and we finally let it slip, and we see things as they ARE at last. There is a very fine balance some of us get to walk after this happens… continuing to remain in a state of openness while letting the old hopes drop gently away. It is a deep and mysterious process for it is NOT giving up, not at all…but it is about meeting the aloneness most folk are afraid to admit is at their core.
It takes great courage to feel and write as you have, and to share it with the world…. I am grateful for your voice and insights as you let the burdens of illusions that no longer serve, slip away. It is not easy work, but it does get easier once you have crossed this threshold of beginning to see the world without the gauzy veil of illusion… the fist steps are the hardest and many start the slow slide into bitterness and cynicism when they reach this gateway, but another path is there…one that is full of richness and beauty which is anchored in the present moment rather than an illusionary dream of a past or future that can never be real.
As for Elder care… I can recommend this online service for support: http://www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Forum
There are a LOT of people now coming into caregiver modes for their elders and there are a lot more who have been at this awhile. They have good advice most of the time and loads of resources to help. But most of all, I find comfort in knowing that the issues I am facing with my family are not unique….that there are a whole host of increasingly difficult behaviour issues that many Elders present and we just have to roll up our sleeves, find reserves of patience we didn’t know we had and just do the best we can. And its important to remember that those who are now in the elder population feel a vast amount of complex emotions that they have spent most of their life keeping bottled up. When that bottle is uncorked they are awash in complexities they cannot comprehend. Those of us who have been doing work with the emotional body can see and understand, and we may be able to help, but their burden is from a lifetime of patterns and habits that are now falling apart…this is generally terrifying for most of these folk. The fear of loosing their world as they know it (which generally boils down to loosing control over their world) is monumental and causes all kinds of odd behaviours to emerge. And… we will be there too, eventually though not in the same need-to-stay-in-control-no-matter-what way….hopefully!
Blessings to you and yours
Excellent piece, Maria. You put in front of me what was inside all along. <3
Great piece Maria. This theme ties in with the comments stimulated by this week’s PW subscriber issue. [very in depth issue, I would like to add!] Are we seeing the cycle of separation and severing coming full circle for healing? Whether it manifests with family, neighbors, friends, and especially in politics, are we wanting something that resonates more with our truth? We speak of polarization, the imbalance, and the election seems to indicate the majority says enough is enough. As we let the feelings rise and acknowledge the disappointment of not being “met” quite the way we want, what will it look like on the other side? I sometime forget there is another side, so thank you for the reminder. Eager to hear more about the astrology; anything to assist the ride of this new wave since I have felt like I have been treading water for quite awhile now.
“…relative who is older and in bad health but will not permit outside caretakers to come to the house.” This is a problem I have with my folks right now. My dad who had his second heart attack recently and my mum who has dementia – and I’ve been trying desperately, from afar, to sort out some kind of help for them, but to no avail. I don’t know what your relative is like, Maria, but my folks are pretty intolerant – they’re very wary of people and quick to damn them, so the idea of having a total stranger in the house is anathema to them. Think it also has to do with a mixture of pride and fear of death. Letting someone into your house to look after you is like saying you’ve thrown in the towel and it won’t be long before they carry you out feet first. Something I’m trying to bear in mind more and more is that we think we know why others are behaving the way they are, when it often turns out that we have no idea.
But when I look at what I might have thought was a relationship and I see nothing but a dream, I have to let that die. ~~~~ Man, this is hard! My own emotional life is so rich that these illusions feel real. I can eat this imaginary love and mistake it for nourishment till I am skin and bones. Is that the shadow of Neptune running my heart?
these were all relationships with myself, and in transforming them I can find energy to shape them into good relationships with myself instead of swirling in a cycle of illusion. The real relationships, the ones in which there are active give-and-take, energy exchange, effort, love — these grow.
And they grow into food that puts meat on my bones… if I am willing and available to more than a player in their illusion of a relationship.
Thanks so much, you all. It was a little nerve-racking to get this one out there! I just cleaned out a couple kitchen cabinets, and somehow that seems part of the same process 😉
Yep, my expecting others to fall in line with my relationship wishes is about as workable as their expecting me to go into a typical romance, or a Disney-fantasy family scenario. And you can still hold space for good memories and appreciating qualities about the person.
I just got an email about another relative who is older and in bad health but will not permit outside caretakers to come to the house. My mind immediately skipped to: By refusing care, he is keeping the dream that the children will come care for him and thereby prove they really love him after all–his illusion about himself as “good father” will be revived. Or perhaps he even wants the truth to come out, for once and for all–that they won’t come rescue him, because he has damaged their love or because they don’t feel safe. OK, that’s through my highly subjective lens, but, like they say, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you, and just because I’m projecting doesn’t mean I’m not seeing it clearly.
Growing up in an environment where it was difficult to trust–plus an 8th house, Capricorn Jupiter-Saturn conjunction–has in some ways been a gift, tho it can drive those who love me a little nuts, because I can lapse into interrogation mode very easily: What did you mean by that? But I’m endlessly curious about why people (including me) do what they do, and what’s behind the curtain is beautiful and touching. There’s not a tree out there that grows straight up without a twist or knot. If I hadn’t had this life, I might not see that.
“The reality is — … — these were all relationships with myself, and in transforming them I can find energy to shape them into good relationships with myself instead of swirling in a cycle of illusion.” Besides your start with never wanting to let go of, or break up with, anyone, and your astute and helpful, to me, conclusion I just quoted, your entire article clearly framed my own experiences, also. The giving up of hope does not come naturally to me (and most others, I would guess) and always I shed bitter tears. When, however, that is done a type of freshness begins reviving and energizing me, also, as you mentioned. Thank you for framing this with such clarity concerning experiences comparable to mine with family, friends and lovers. And then, thank you for offering the next steps into more peace within oneself and comfort with those who are putting energy into the maintenance of the relationships as you are.
Yes, thank you as always, Maria, for your honesty and courage – your need to get to the bottom of things. I’m taking away this piece like a squirrel with a nut, to reflect on and chew over.
This is very moving, Maria. I relate so well to a lot of what you’ve written; I’ve had many of the same experiences and insights about myself in relation to the people in my world, those we choose and those we do not, what we do or don’t owe one another, what constitutes family, how we demonstrate our love. I consider myself lucky to have figured out how to make genuine peace with a lot of my tormentors, and to have recognized that much of the torment came from within me.
As it happens, I’m now being challenged by family and closest friends “to make the horrible, self-denying decision so many in my generation are having to make,” and in a way that ignores some harsh realities of my own future. I am determined to help from a place of love, but with love for myself too – for the person I have shaken off so much to become. I know I’m not going to be understood on this one. But I am bolstered by your words.
Thank you, Maria, for a moving article. I, too, have been letting hope die with my family over these past few years. Not so much to separate from them as to accept each person for who they are and not what I have wished them to be. That engenders a greater degree of separation sometimes, but it doesn’t diminish the love. Just the longing.