By Maria Padhila
I am catching up on things I couldn’t read or didn’t see through the massive power failure / severe weather clusterfuck that hit the DMV last week.
And yeah, I’m scared, too. I think this is it — the severe and abrupt have stormed on in, and it might be too late to turn it around. There was a time when I found power in storms and reveled in them; this isn’t happening now. I feel apart from these storms. No anger at nature, just the knowledge that it is separate from me, that she is standing away. Well, all that’s for poems, later; words that will sink into the mud at the bottom of a spillway in a matter of decades, if not months or even days.
For some reason, a lot of links, Facebook pleas and random chatter had to do with need. Whether people’s needs were being met. Whether people should have needs at all. Women being “too needy.” The difference between wants and needs.
I tend to go around thinking I need nothing from relationships, which of course is an illusion and wrong. I must need something from somebody. So what is it, and why?
An outside observer would immediately say that I need lots of attention — otherwise, why the two men when others are perfectly content with one partner? But both those who know me and those who look at what tends to happen might wonder if that’s the case. I use another name for all my writing and public appearances; most people in literary, art, burner, whatever communities don’t know who I am and wouldn’t recognize me. I’m a very invisible woman; I don’t even show up in photos most of the time. I’m OK with that, most of the time — it means I can do my own creating and thinking, and it keeps me safe.
I either leave my writing in a drawer or put it on a personal blog no one reads. I’d love it if people read me — I’d love it more if they’d pay me — but if I really wanted that, I’d be sending things out to get published regularly instead of going out to play with my friends and daughter.
And an outsider would say I must need sex — more than the average woman. That’s debatable, too, although I enjoy it. Do I need romance? Maybe, but it’s not the kind many think of — I find that their sharing of thoughts and humor and time with me is highly romantic. I need Issac to be a good co-parent, but that’s kind of a moot point, because he is, and could be an ideal solo parent if anything happened to me. Chris and I are able to have intense spiritual/magical experiences, which I might in some ways need, but I can have these on my own as well.
What do I need from these men? It’s more a craving, an appetite, maybe. I need to smell them, to feel the way their hair springs up from their skin and the way their muscles fit together. I need to hear their voices, I need to look over and see how they’re reacting to something, music or a conversation or a woman walking by or a toddler handing them a toy. I need to know they’re alive and fully living. I need to know they find me pleasing, or even annoying; that I have an effect on their lives.
I need to not be invisible to them. Am I a needy woman?
Well, I need electricity, that’s for sure. What I’ve been discovering I need right now is to be welcomed and included. This goes way back to the circumstances of my birth and upbringing (seriously unwanted and troubling to all) and the current combination of Chiron return and Neptune touching that Chiron natal point over and over, like a damp, clammy edge of a bedroom window curtain flapping at my face when I’m trying to sleep. It’s not that I need to be needed — when you take care of children, you get plenty of that. Is it that I need to be wanted?
And what if this need is filled? Do I move on to another need? Can this need be filled? Can any emotional need ever be met by another?
Being ‘needy’ and a woman seems to be the ultimate sin, from what I read. Whenever I detect a certain trait being assigned to one sex or type exclusively, whether it’s needy for women or creepy for guys, my bullshit detector goes up. The gaslighting is pretty easy to read between the lines.
I did some scanning around to find out if there’s a similar prohibition against needy men, and found that indeed, need is treated with contempt in the straight manly world as well. The distorted mirror that is pick-up-artist culture even has a term, ‘needy alpha’, to describe men who take the game out of the Game and turn grabby and dominating in a bad way (for instance, the kind who play the ‘I’m allowed to sleep around as I please, but don’t let me catch you at it’ game). That’s slightly reassuring, in a perverse way.
Most of the objection on the part of men who find women ‘too needy’ — and the men and women who counsel women not to be ‘too needy’ — has to do with practical needs. Here’s an example: I like to have Chris call, email or text me every day if at all possible. Here’s why: Unlike Issac and I, he lives alone (even if he is not always alone) and he has a chronic disorder that could leave him severely and dangerously ill at any moment. I literally just want to know if he’s alive. If he’s going to be with someone else, or traveling with others, something like that, then I don’t need him to check in, because they’d see it if he went into a coma, right?
Now if he ‘failed’ to check in, and I went into a big passive-aggressive mope, I’d understand if he had an issue with me. But the argument wouldn’t be with my need; it would be with my reaction and behavior. If he didn’t call, and I called to check on him, I’d probably tell him that I worry, and ask if there might be another way to touch base that’s more convenient for him.
After all, he’s fulfilling my need, and that’s a kind thing to do, so why not make it easy as possible? If you make it easy for others to fill your needs, I guess they’re more likely to get filled. (In reality, we tend to chatter away four or five times a day, same as I do with others I’m close to, because of the damned convenience of these here mobile devices. That need for electricity again!)
But I might be branded as ‘too needy’ because of this. The ‘requirement’ to text once a day, or call — some people demand that, because texting isn’t considered good enough — and other people get mad if you just check in on a Facebook wall — you know, just wait a minute. How do you keep all that shit straight, anyway? Getting your needs filled is exhausting.
OK, back to texting. What I read are men complaining that women are asking too much when they ask for that. And what I hear is that the women aren’t actually asking for what they need, and neither are the men.
Maybe what the women need is reassurance that they haven’t been forgotten. But there are a lot of ways to get that, and if you focus on a limited action, you stomp on someone else’s need for autonomy or creativity.
Of course, I have to take it a step further and see if reassurance or autonomy are even needs — and whether anyone’s capable of filling them for another person.
I have a lot more exploring to do on this one, and I welcome anything you’d like to comment on about needs and relationships. Where I stand now is that I can question my needs as much as I like, but I’m not going to challenge yours. I’m just going to see whether I can help with them or not, and try to be honest about that. I’m going to try hard to stop the bad habit of trying to divine your needs and address them, and instead, I’m going to ask.
Eric, thanks for your comment “…If I cannot exist in that emotionally open space, game off. I would say that “need” for me is something that must be so, or its game off.” I can completely relate, and through personal integrity, live. Although, at the same time, I believe has drawn limits on my desires to meet the more traditional societal relationship roles.
Would love it if you would expand on this comment, “Everything else is a desire, though I’ve learned how to transpose my needs into desires for the sake of easy access.” I beleive this is where I can come to, continuing to visualize and work on to achieve growth.
Thanks –
And what I also find I always need to do is to distinguish between my genuine desire and ability to give and to help others, and my ‘need’ to help others, because I feel I’m obliged to, and because it boosts low self-esteem, makes me feel I’m worth something. An old old pattern, that perhaps it’s time to shake off.
“or master self nurture, nurture others from our overflowing cup and be grateful when others reach out to us… coupled with the caveat that we benefit from developing clear discernment and dispassion around the point at which to thwart the abusers of ojr givingness (make no mistake, this is a crucial skill to master; in a ‘no big’ fashion)”. This is great, Alexander! I’m embroiled with a lot of this stuff at the moment (Mars in Libra, squaring my sun is hitting hard) – and I find your words so helpful. Thank you.
“Most people are a lot more generous with themselves when it comes to needs”..
I take this observation as core in much of my sense-making. It is interesting that so many wrestle in a kind of agony with a contractual modality for regulation of interpersonal stuff. For me, such has a basic framework for our ethical framework of being conscious souls. But beyond that, contractuality gets us tied in knots.
I find a Taoist understanding helps me here, as in tandem do the Rune card of Laguz (Flow) and the Temperance card in Tarot. Much of the time we find ourselves dealing with those who are much more generous with the importance of their needs. This is less than equitable and proactive. What are we actually going to do about that? Hit the corner of the room with thumb in mouth or master self nurture, nurture others from our overflowing cup and be grateful when others reach out to us… coupled with the caveat that we benefit from developing clear discernment and dispassion around the point at which to thwart the abusers of ojr givingness (make no mistake, this is a crucial skill to master; in a ‘no big’ fashion).
This is a topic of real interest, Maria. As much as anything because so many are locked into obsession about relationships.. we can thank Hollywood for that to some degree.. which feeds our attachment drives unhealthily. But the key is to develop the capacity for deep self nurture and value without the range of embittered responses that come from mental fixation.. oh and therefore the capacity to retain an open heart, rather than an openly, or even secretly (worse) resentful one.
But hey, when you ‘see me’ it sure is a bonus!
Everyone has desires and needs.
There are degrees of appropriateness, though those will change depending on how much therapy you’ve had, and other maturing factors. I think that there’s a happy embrace of some degree of both “need” and “want” (let’s not differentiate for now) and then at a certain point there is a tolerance…and beyond that tolerance, or outer gray area limit, things can get testy.
Anyone in my life has to respect my public responsibilities and what it takes for me to do my job. That is a fundamental need that I have, which means, if that need is not met, I’m not going to have any kind of relationship with the person. Most people are a lot more generous with themselves when it comes to needs; I reduce it to core function.
I will describe one more need. I am polyamorous. I reserve the right to be monogamous. I also define polyamorous mostly as an emotional state of openness, not “sleeping around.” If I cannot exist in that emotionally open space, game off. I would say that “need” for me is something that must be so, or it’s game off.
Everything else is a desire, though I’ve learned how to transpose my needs into desires for the sake of easy access.
Gosh, Maria, I so get where you’re coming from – am quite similar. Hope to have time to say more later!
Hmmm projection! How did I forget that one? 😉
I need (Hee Hee) to make it clear that I wasn’t accused of “being needy.” it was something I was seeing leveled against others–but I only feel comfortable using myself as an example much of the time, because I don’t want to put other peoples’ business out there.
What I detect in myself is, mixed with genuine independence and self-responsibility, a rickety “that’s ok, I don’t need anything or anyone” supporting beam. So I’m attempting to take a look at that and see how it can work better, if it needs to be torn out and replaced, that kind of thing.
Sometimes I feel compassion toward others’ needs; sometimes impatience (when they create a distortion or if they’re destructive or if I can tell they’re not really a workable response). Having a hand in meeting the needs of people I care for can be very compelling and powerful, which is another aspect–the relationship of need to power. Discuss? 😉
Interesting reflections on neediness, Maria. I’ve come to realise, through observing myself, that people bandy around the label ‘needy’ when they’re not looking at their own neediness – it’s projection.
I think the hardest thing to decipher is the difference between a need and a want.
Like religion, it seems to be too subjective and as such, hard to define.
If anyone has that down pat, please let the world know.
Chiron return does seem to equal a lot of insecurity. With Neptune it also can mean a lot of mis-identifying or mis-reading of the feelings.