By the way, here is Eric’s PW FM for today; the full post is further down the page. – amanda
The Sun is making its annual conjunction to Eris in Aries: a big, bright blast of ‘who the hell am I in here?’ I am feeling edgy and angsty – as though the moment can’t come quick enough to make a decision, make a move, speak up. That probably has as much to do with Mars stationing direct as anything.
Intertwined is the fact that these last months have set me on a course to dig deeper beneath my fun-loving Sagittarius Moon to figure out why I seem so often to be at war with myself – and by extension with the people I profess to care about. My Mars Rx journey is taking me through childhood, ancestors and a past life, trying to uncover the roots of why, as suggested by the healer I’m working with, I seem to have a hard time being honest with myself.
So far, the short answer is a very old fear of speaking my truth and speaking up for myself. There is a disconnect with the core ‘me’.
I recently told a friend that I am working with someone to figure out why I have a hard time being honest with myself, and to get to a place where I can be. He looked at me in shock and said, “But you’re one of the most honest people I know!”
Right. Exactly. That is, I’m no stranger to telling a white lie, and sometimes surprise myself by how close one gets to my lips before I check myself. But I would no sooner fudge my hours for work, or fail to tell a prospective lover about my sexual health and history, than hurt a puppy. Yet, here I am, facing the likelihood that I’ve often said ‘yes’ when I haven’t meant it; that I must really know what I want even though I think I don’t.
Somewhere along the line – several places, actually – I was scared and trained out of my center, where my truth resides. The process of getting back into it is terrifying: it means having to face up to a lifetime of what amount to lies, even though I really thought I was being honest, or ‘didn’t know’. It means integrating this person living my life with the person I’ve pushed into the shadows.
This process means facing a disconnect – facing Eris – before I disintegrate some very wonderful things in my life, including myself on some level. It means facing the truth that not every relationship in my life will survive an integrated me; it means owning up to and speaking my truth (assuming I don’t chicken out); facing that some relationships will alter significantly; and facing my potential.
That last one may even be the scariest of all.
Despite the edgy ‘gotta make a move soon’ feeling, I feel equally pulled by the desire for ‘just one more (X) like it used to be’ and the fear of things changing in big ways. As though, if I could just stretch out this phase of limbo a little longer, I could have all the good things I want that seem threatened.
We all know that never works out. Limbo is a perfect setup for getting hung up on the ‘wanting’ instead of what is actually right for the moment. Limbo can’t hide you from your truth, or its need to be integrated consciously.
No wonder we hide so much of ourselves from people in various parts of our lives. ‘The truth’ can feel like a threat to being loved. Sure, there is some part of every person that is kept back, for oneself — and for good reason. Yet how often do we really test the theory that we’ll be abandoned if we let more people see a more integrated ‘me’? Will your life really fall apart if your friends, family and boss know you read an astrology website, for example?
That fear of abandonment is a compelling fear. While it’s not 100% right, it’s not 100% wrong, either. Hence it gathers even more strength than it’s due. I know very few people who truly strive to be wholly themselves with everyone in their lives – even the most genuine. It is not the easy road in the short term; apparently having a longer-term, deeper goal makes a huge difference. Let’s face it: the reactions many people get from being honest are enough to scare them right back into faking it. You often have to be willing to let go of some friends and have faith that more appropriate people (that is, people not threatened by the whole you) will fill the void.
We’re not conditioned to be okay with being alone in this world, or to be completely ourselves. Those who try to do so threaten those who do not, kicking up that same fear of abandonment, and guilt over not having the guts to be whole and real. The reactions can be viciously overt or subtly insidious. Avoiding those reactions can keep us ‘safe’ from the reproach of others, but it can’t protect us from ourselves. At some point, your soul will want all of itself together, intact, acknowledged and loved. The options are to integrate – and risk some level of abandonment in your life – or disintegrate – and risk losing great pieces of yourself.
The theory I’m working with is that peering inside (with help, if needed) to see all of those fragments you’ve been hiding and compartmentalizing is necessary. The Sun is here to give Eris her spotlight. What happens if I keep that light shining, even after the Sun moves on? Who is ‘the you nobody knows’, and how angry is that person for being kept in the shadows? How much is she hurting, and how bad does it have to get before it’s more compelling than the anticipated pain of abandonment? Only you can answer that for yourself. I’ll be busy sorting through it, too.
Dear MandyM,
I put your brother and his best friend in my prayers/meditation this morning. May they rest in peace and love.
Much love
Liz xx
Sina and MandyM,
What brave women you have become and what a terrible price you have both paid for it. I salute you and I know all the readers who come to PlanetWaves to share their stories have the greatest respect for you. Sometimes, living in the United States, we forget that people in other places in the world have even more difficulties in just growing up. Not that we don’t have really bad stories here too, but you have reinforced our belief, through your experiences, that the human spirit is strong and the love of life is not easily destroyed. I know we all wish you the best going forward and I personally thank you for touching my heart in an unforgettable way. Peace and Love,
be
Sina: You’re welcome, and thank you for sharing. My heart is warm and mushy about you, your husband and kids. Best of luck with your mother, brother and sister.
When I was about 14, my dad said to me “You know love, all families are like this.” Well, my friend’s families weren’t. But I came to realize that is what he truly believed because that was all he knew. We came from Ireland – enough said.
When my brother was 17, on a rare occasion that he was home from the group homes, my dad took him to a bar. He then took him out the back of the bar and took a baseball bat to him, to teach him how to be a man, all the while encouraging him to fight back. Sounds horrifying doesn’t it? But you know what, dad knew that my brother would be deported at 18. As it turns out, as my brother travelled Southern Ireland (we were from the North, dad was in the R.A.F) and anytime he spoke of his birthplace and dad in the service, they beat the shit out of him – even though my brother himself wanted Ireland to be free from British rule. He also survived by having bare-knuckled street fights to get money. I was told he was unbeatable. It once took 7 whitecoats at the psych facility to ‘contain’ him one day when they were power tripping on him. Even if it was from a rage from the memory of my dad and that baseball bat, it kept him alive. It all happens for a reason.
Sadly, Pluto came visiting me again today. When I returned to the UK for my brother’s funeral, his best friend Ian became my bodyguard (my brother was in with the travellers circle – awesome people but not an environment for the naive. They treated me with great respect. Some of us have to tread the dark environments to get the light in there). I just learned that he passed on March 22. Ian was a very talented Irish minstrel with the heart and courage of his beautiful Leo Sun. So, in tribute, I say SAOIRSE! SAOIRSE! May you rest well dear friend!
“So we should not forget the real purpose of life, the real purpose is to experience love and to share it with others, and we should also lovingly consider the people around us, the world, the environment, nature.
“At the same time you should find some time to look within and find who we are.
“We are self-luminous like the sun. We have the power within. We have the capacity to shine like the sun.”
Amma, the hugging saint from India
A masterpiece. You go girl!
This was a wonderful post, Amanda.
And wonderful, insightful and gut wrenchingly honest comments from the whole PW community. Wow. Thank you all for sharing.
Thank you, Susyc for reminding us of issues outside of ourselves, and thank you, Green-Star-Gazer for encapsulating our collective feeling in your beautiful poem.
Peace to all
Hi Amanda and all those who have shared and bared their soul here,
When I logged on to PW late yesterday, and saw there were 66 responses to your article, I knew it was going to be a compelling read! But as I was distracted by work, I had to print and read it all last night, every beautiful heart-felt response.
Amanda, you verbalised for us what we were all feeling but couldn’t explain it. And you have given us all the opportunity to see how our relationships are such great mirrors, for what is going on inside of ourselves.
MandyM, thank you so much for sharing your heart-breaking family story, and your courage for understanding how everyone “played their role beautifully”. I am about to go face my sister and brother, after many years living abroad and out of touch, and like everyone else, there is a lot of baggage there. But I also have that sense of playing out roles.
During this Mars Rx I’d been asking where my rage was coming from, in my quest to be my authentic self, and not get so worked up or angry at my own precious family. A recent astrology report mentioned violence in my childhood, and my initial response was “Huh?”. Then the memories flooded back, how my mother beat me often when I was a little girl. I was the eldest of three, and if there was any trouble with us, I copped it always. If any of us were too slow, or got a little bit dirty, I copped it. If my little sister cruelly pinched me from behind while we had visitors, I dare not flinch, because I would cop it. If my little brother cried for any reason what so ever, even if he dropped his own ice cream, I copped it. And as he’s Pisces, he cried a lot!! My mother finally stopped beating me when I was 8 yrs old, when our Dad left her.
When this revelation came up, I did not feel sad or angry at how my mother treated me, as within Polynesian families, it is almost normal to be beaten. My husband was beaten six days out of seven by his mum for always sneaking off and disobeying her. But I wondered why she did it, when I was a really good, obedient little girl. She was never beaten as a child herself, as she came from a well-to-do family, and always had people pandering to her needs. Then I was like you, Huffy, always trying to be the peacemaker, so as to avoid any violence or unpleasantness at all costs. What a tough gig for little kids! My conclusion is that she felt burdened by family life, and resented having to “wait” on us, feeding us, bathing us, clothing us, when it was always her that was waited on. My dad never approved of the beatings, but never stopped them, either. I’ve only just conciously remembered all this after 40 years.
Right now, I absolutely adore the person my mother is. She raised us on her own, she saved every penny to get us through good schools. She taught us to respect authority, and that a little kindness goes a long way. She supported and encouraged all our dreams, and to this day, still spends time with each of us, helping us with our children, and the mundane chores, while we go out and face the world. Most importantly, she taught us that family was everything. And amazingly, all three of us, have worked hard at our relationships, and are all still with our partners for close to 20yrs each now. We remembered how our mother suffered, and how we suffered, when our dad left, and I don’t think any of us wanted to do that to our own children. But I will be having a 3 day retreat with Mum on this trip, so I’m really looking to the healing that will come out of this time. And the visits to my sister and brother too.
There is so much in the blog to comment on, but I will say that last year, I lost my business, three of the best friends I’d had, one I’d known for over 20 years, certainly part of the clearing out of that which no longer serves us. While it hurt at the time, a year later I can “honestly” say I got my life back (instead of being chained to the business), I got my husband back, who’d been working overseas – we’d spent 2 years together over the last 7. I got my family back, when he came home, the kids were more settled, as was I. We saved our family home, which I’d been fighting for two years with the bank to save. The gains far out weigh the losses. I feel bliss is around the corner. Now, if I could just heal things with myself…..
Thank you all, for sharing and caring. We are not alone, look at us all. The mirror shows we are beautiful 🙂
PS. Getcalm, thank you for sharing the process you went through to find your patterns to release. I’m going to keep a notebook of all my “dishonesty’s” too, and see where it takes me.
Hi MandyM,
Thanks for your encouragement and words. There were some extremely dark days, months, years, unlocking myself and freeing myself. Leaving that life meant leaving many many things behind, including a home where my income provided additional security for my family. Confronting that guilt, my rage, realizing I was in depression, and then reprogramming myself to reopen to the world so that I could have a healthy life – well, again, my life tests. It is a gift, always. I was meant to go through that. I’ve learned and am learning always. I hope that I can share that with the people close to me, and that I can understand them on a deeper level too. And you are correct, I am incredibly different than I was, for the better I think. 😉
And thanks to everyone who contributed here. Very beautiful and moving.
Cheers,
HS
I came across this piece again by sheer chance. It fits in with Amanda’s blog and the thread so well. On praise and blame, by the wonderful Sharon Salzberg:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sharon-salzberg/how-to-deal-with-praise-a_b_111693.html
oh my, amanda! I bow to your whole self, truly. thank you for your inspiration (term used perfectly here) and generosity. To the extent that we can ever fully know our full selves here on this plane, I’m glad to know you. I’m on my way, too … and in each moment there’s a choice and … I appreciate your choices.
mm.
Hi again Be – this morning I was rushing to work, so didn’t have time to read all your words of advice for me properly. Have just read them now. They are so beautiful – they touch my heart deeply. Bless you.
Hi Clare! xx
Amanda,
Thank you from the bottom of my soul for this post.
How I have struggled and striven to baffle my light – to keep the whole of it from shining all at once, all the time, for fear of burning someone; or even everyone, including myself.
Now seems to be the time to let it shine and let it burn.
In love and gratitude, as always,
Clare
P.S. Hi Huffy! x
Ok ma’am, that’s a shitload of insight and I can relate to every bit. The last couple of days have had a heavy feeling, a dark feeling, unfocused and guilty, but with permission to wait, to be inactive. I do believe I am in my cocoon to an extent but a couple of rays of light have broken through…I was invited Tuesday, by way of getting my butt out there, to participate in a Poets and Artists Against the War event here in ABQ, with artwork brought in by http://www.windowsandmirrors.org on tour across the country right now, and is currently being displayed at my church. Here is the poem I wrote for that:
Deadly Euphemisms
Someone took a picture of her
crushed against the chain link
fence, trapped, nowhere to go but out—
Someone took a picture of her at that
soccer game, crushed, dozens of people behind her
nowhere to go but out, no way through that fence—
someone took a picture of her crushed against the chain link
trapped, the light dying in her eyes.
A soccer game. She’d gone with nothing more
in her mind but fun and laughter, joy. A young woman
with her whole life ahead of her. And this was an
accident, a confluence of events it is possible, that no
one person could have helped.
Times of joy are not for death but
sometimes death comes anyway, uninvited
in drone airplanes to Afghan weddings,
remotely piloted by soldiers in Fort
Huachuca, AZ, remotely piloted by
soldiers with joysticks who never
see the aftermath of what
they have done, who never have
to wipe the blood from their faces
or look into the eyes of survivors.
Others know very well what they do and civilian
deaths are renamed “accidents,” “errors of war,”
“collateral damage,” by those, who really mean to say,
but don’t mean to say, the truth, that the enemy IS civilian,
that the enemy is only part-time guerrilla fighters, the rest of
the time they are farmers, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters,
indistinguishable from civilians, why, because they are civilians
fighting for their country, their freedom, we kill them in their
homes, their mosques, at their weddings with as many friends
and relatives as it takes to get a promotion, a pension, as it
takes to climb that next rung on the corporate ladder, as many as
it takes to assuage our false sense of injury, an injury that we
imagine came from nowhere, an injury we brought upon ourselves
and avenge a million fold in two separate countries. We label their
homes “hideouts,” their trade caravans “guerrilla smugglers,” their family
gatherings “terrorist meetings,” because we have not won hearts
and minds, we are imperial conquerors scapegoating an innocent people
for a self-inflicted wound, but really just for their stuff, their
resources, their gold, their silver, their logistical capacity,
and imperial conquerors can only win hatred and resistance,
and they will not stop fighting, they will never stop fighting,
they will always be civilians fighting to keep Afghanistan their own.
By Susy Crandall
4/12/2012
With credits to James Petras and his article Afghanistan: Why Civilians are Killed
http://petras.lahaine.org/?p=1863
I am the seed of my future self
not yet ripened
I am the core of my past self
… minus many layers.
I am on the surface a reflection
of The Other
and in my heart
an Eternal Witness.
I am alone together
with all of these
and more.
Thank you Be for these words:”Maybe unconsciously you find some comfort or need filled in just barely surviving. Maybe it is challenging in some way to trust yourself to spread out; put down roots”. In fact I had been asking myself a similar question in these days. Your words rreally help me. Thank you for your time and care.
Wow Amanda! This is some thread you’ve sparked off! One of the longest yet. Took me ages to get to the bottom to write my comment. Will read the ones I missed last night (in my neck of the woods) properly after work today. Mars in Virgo moving forward is just ugh! But thank heaven Indonesia was spared from another tsunami. Love ya all.xxx
Amanda, wow, what a post! Everyone: truly wonderful stories, as in open, honest, and heartfelt – it has been powerful reading tonight. So much to ponder and consider.
My shifts within have been going on for a while now, and while I don’t feel like my relationships are fading, that is mostly because, right now, I don’t have more than a handful. Literally. That is mostly because I moved to a rural part of Arizona, far away from familiar folk and surroundings.
That biggest shift has made me look deeper, and in turn, be more honest with myself over past failings and actions – which for me have been major hangups for years. Chiron was conjunct my natal Aquarius sun, so I would hazard it’s all about big stuff, for like, forever. That’s what it seems like anyway.
I had a short but intense relationship that ended about a year ago, mostly because she felt that it wasn’t going to work. She assured me that it wasn’t me, but that her faith would somehow not let her accept me. I was probably the most open and honest I’ve ever been in a relationship, and this was a blow, because I felt she wasn’t being totally honest with me in return. It still hurts, yes, but I look forward better now and do so everyday. There is far more to that story, but then I would have to write a book, and it would be a wonderful piece of fiction, because I can’t see inside her, nor want to.
Ah well, off to bed. Perchance to dream?
Thank you everyone, this has been a stellar thread to read!
Hugging Scorpio:
I love your response! Man, I am totally fascinated and intrigued with your life. I will be thinking of you often tonight and putting myself in your moccasins to contemplate what it must be like to make such a huge shift.
I didn’t mean for us to spend the rest of our lives in mirror-world. I just think that with Saturn nearing the end of his Libra visit, we have all attempted so much in our outer relationships that it is good to look back at the last 2 years, where we are now with those relationships, and do the mirror thing so that we can see what the last two years of ‘reflection’ with these people, especially ones that haven’t reached a satisfactory conclusion, is really telling us what we need to complete within ourselves.
I also didn’t realize that you were just experiencing your ‘first’ merging. This is great – you don’t have the clutter of multi relationships to sort through. It should be easy to see the mirror.
Seriously, I really admire you for what you’ve done. I can only imagine the number of locks you would have to work through to leave that behind. My heart is with you!
Lilith: Hey Soul Sister!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so very grateful for you connecting with me today. I am in awe. Just when you think you are all alone in your nightmare…………thank you, thank you. I sure hope you are going to use your very powerful advice for yourself also. Love and peace to you.
be: Thank You!
Fe: You are most welcome.
Mars Rx in Virgo has been a very enriching experience.
Getcalm
Yes! Isn’t it wonderful how the days are so different, so re-born re-calculated after those deep nights? xo!
Be,
Instant tears when I read your note – which means you are spot on. Advance team, yes, I have known this, and I have also known and know that I am in a foreign land. It’s all good and so is your advice. (“do like you have done with your relationshiips – allow some space between you and the ever-changing symbols.”)
Thank you. Many times Thanks.
Linda
MandyM: Thank you for taking the time to respond and clarify. I really care about this conversation on this post. I too have Mercury in Scorpio exact my Sun. It’s retro too, so I’ve been on a life journey of making my voice authentic. I never want bubble wrap, and as soon as you say enter at your own risk, well, I’M THERE! ☺
Thanks for the praise on my monkhood, but it was damn hard. Liberating, uncomplicated, but desperately isolating. Character building stuff to be sure, but I am no more special than anyone. In fact, I feel completely naïve in many areas. This just happened to be my path. What complicated things was my lack of community. I had to work full time, find time for my art and my practice. No socializing, no friends, no parties, blah blah. I’m very in touch with my inner warrior, but not really until these past 5 years. I love not giving a shit what people think of me. It’s been blissful and I feel more and more authentic every day. Twas not always so.
I agree to change to: “‘to witness the person themselves’. I can get lost in a relationship. That scares me more than anything. I’m working on that every chance I get.
I didn’t really mean “exactly”, although unconsciously I might have. I have a tendency to want control over an experience and be unyielding (no kidding, Scorpio…right?). I try to allow my Libra rising to speak up and be more soft with people and myself too. A lot of my “hardness” comes from being isolated emotionally, thinking no one will care. “I sucked it up, so should you!” Not cool at all. I’m working on this with my therapist and consciously as I have relationships.
Up to now, my attempted relationships have been tests, asking: How much am I myself? How has your past hindered you from being authentic? How has your sexuality been submerged? Who has made you to feel guilty about doing anything for YOU. Are you going to take that? Is that okay with you? Really? Aren’t you going to ask that woman out?!? Stop jerking off and meet women! Can you say “no”? Can you say “yes”? Can you just have fun, or do you have to pull a f**king tarot card?
So, yeah, like… these types of things. 😉
Okay, thanks MandyM! High-five!
About 2 1/2 yrs ago I read a quote by Anais Nin that goes like this…”And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” After reading that, I burst into tears and so began my journey of transformation. Leaping into the unknown filled me with fear and trepidation and it took way longer than I thought to make all the changes I had to make.
There were times when I wanted to go running backwards to my safe little world, but something deep inside me kept pushing me forward. I am never going to live that “normal” life again, but was it really living? I still have a few challenges and obstacles to face but living my “truth” is so, so, so much more fulfilling, I could never turn back now.
So, “the you nobody knows” – that is your soul’s purpose in this lifetime – to live that truth.
Phenomenal thread. So many places that I could comment (and did to myself on the printed copy in the margins). So many comments that rang true. I’ve tried to live my life being honest, and have been accused of being brutally honest. Yet I know that at times I am not so.
Having lived most of my life alone – I have no siblings, my parents are dead and my husband died almost thirty years ago – it isn’t necessarily lonely. It is solitary, but not lonely. But, the call to find others of like mind is a strong, driving factor to make a decision, when the time is right and while there still is time. The difficulty is discerning when the timing is right. As one friend of mine said recently, I’ve been in limbo for so long it’s become a way of life. I know that I feel that I haven’t been present in my own life for decades. Is it time to limbo dance instead?
Thank you, one and all here at PW, for this alternate universe.
JannKinz
Response to MandyM.
After reading your blog, I felt recognized that I have been living in a parallel universe with you. Everything you said, including writing your book, runs in alignment with mine including the passing over of different people in your life and the mis-understanding of your grown children.
Please write your book. Please.
I have started writing mine, yet I still find reasons to not do it–the distractions have piled up for years. Now, the alignments are such that this book will come to pass, with every letter typed, every sentence, paragraph, and rewriting that must occur.
It is real inside you and ready to be released.
Blessed be.
@ bkoehler says:
April 11, 2012 at 4:12 pm
” ooops, left out the JKR page . . Goddess love you! I don’t blame you for being galled. I believe “the wife” has some serious issues of her own, don’t you think? ”
Oh yes clearly….but sometimes I hate the fact that I have annoying flashes of x-ray vision and/or a bad case of some kind of karma, especially when I’m wired to automatically try to be the bigger guy in “normal” social interactions. My wilder and more sensitive side is saved for intensely close relationships. From the minute I met her…..I just knew she was going to be the type of woman who needs to gather her validation from other people’s husbands and will hunt out just the right excuse to make that happen. I predicted with laser precision her MO…first cut me down, then build herself up! I have a very hard time doling out empathy this wastefully. It didn’t help that my husband is a sucker for a pretty girl who tries hard enough to get his attention so no empathy for him either. And I’m right on the money too. Hence, after this lovely visit…her and her husband sent a thank you email to my husband in which they very very lovingly invited him to their pad in Florida whenever he wants, but added a very exclusive, curt little clause….”please come by yourself and don’t bring your wife. You know how we feel about her ‘problem'”. Absolutely appalling. Some people are hideous and I was honest with my husband about this. He agreed that it was really not nice at all their treatment of me, and gave me the sage advice that “it’s not a guarantee that everyone you meet will like you….that’s just life”. I accept that. But I had some sage advice for him too regarding his cowardly lack of support in a rather sensitive area of my life….”Do that to me again and I will leave you and never look back…just try me.”
Hugging Scorpio: Clarification
I hesitate to answer this, only for the fact that I ‘read’ you as a very sensitive, gentle soul. With my Mercury in Scorpio in the 9th square Mars in the 7th, I have a tendency to be blunt, raw and direct. I don’t bubble wrap things because life doesn’t come in bubble wrap. I tell it like I see it and am always aware that I may be wrong. I read the detail (content) then pull back to sense the context (bigger picture). When I pulled back after reading your post, that is what came to me. So now I will delve in to see why I got that. Enter at your own risk.
First, I think it’s really cool that you were a monk, I think that’s where I’m getting the gentle sensitivity from.
“Although I agree so very much with strengthening ones internal relationships, as a former monk of 14 years, my whole life up to this point has been about that.” Great, you have a strong relationship with yourself.
“As soon as I opened the door to having relationships with women, I realized that both types of work are vital……” You took it to the next step.
“I also think that our work involves us to empathetically engage ourselves with our partners in helping them (and us) in the work of the relationship.” I agree.
“I don’t want to use a relationship purely as a mirror.” Neither do I, I’m lonely. But sometimes we get what we need, not what we want.
“I want to also go beyond that mirror, into the person themselves, to understand them, to feel them and hear them.” Be careful that you don’t lose yourself in there. I would change ‘into the person themselves’ to ‘to witness the person themselves’. I know I wouldn’t want you ‘in’ me.
“If they can do exactly that on their end, then hey, I think that makes for a great relationship!” Sounds good to me!
So, my question is: How’s that been working for you? How much pressure is on the other person to do it “exactly”. How much pressure do you put on yourself to get it “exactly”? How do you respond/react when they aren’t willing? I think that what I’m trying to say is, you had a strong relationship (foundation) with yourself, you entered the world of ‘others’. This HAD to affect your original foundation. If you have been living in a bungalow and you want to add a second story (or addition on the side), it’s very wise to go back and look at your original foundation and structure to make sure it will accommodate and hold the addition. You are a different person NOW than you were THEN.
I’m curious, as a Scorpion ex-monk have you tapped into your Warrior? I keep thinking of a workshop I was at where a lady was talking about how she endured much pain because she couldn’t understand why others would be so nasty when she was always so nice. She spent much time, effort and energy on being nice, gentle and loving. The facilitator responded “Well, maybe it’s time you stopped being so nice and took some time to find your inner BITCH!”
I can totally relate to this ‘exact’ thing. I have a ton of Virgo, I have worked really hard to let go of my expectation of perfectionism from myself and others. I have been using Mark Zuckerberg’s motto for his employees lately: “Done is better than perfect.” I tell myself “Good enough” often these days.
As I said, I don’t know if any of this is true for you, it’s just what I’m picking up.
Good grief, Fe? and anyone else who clicks on the link I posted above, you must go down to almost the end of a very long page and then, on the right side (ha ha) there is a picture (among many) of Nixon with the title underneath “We Really Have Two Separate Brains”. That’s what I thought I was directing you to. so so sorry.
be (what is this about 55 now?)
Hi Amanda–When I started reading your article I had this weird feeling-thought–wait a minute–did I write this? chuckle. What a daunting journey for those of us who seem to be compelled to take it.
I have never forgotten a line I believe is from something written my Melody Beattie: “Maturity is being able to abandon and be abandoned.”
Periodically it comes back to me to remind me–“It is ok. It is ok to do this. All will be well.”
(((((all)))))
be – Aww. I feel all warm and fuzzy. 🙂 Thank you. 😀
AWordEdgewise, thanks for describing perfectly the sense of night time “travel” for me and how those deep nights lead to such different days that follow.
Amanda, such a fabulous post! Starting Jan 1st, every nite I jot into a notebook beside the bed any instances of untruth telling and a brief note about the why. Over three months the patterns have revealed themselves and it has helped me to see the relationships that need cleaning up and the little fears that drive these tales. In the same notebook each nite I write briefly about where I “gave myself away” (ie, said Yes when I meant No, or rescued someone when they hadn’t asked or a thousand other ways). Likewise, the patterns have revealed themselves and the hidden girl has begun to tentatively show herself to more and more people with the wisdom that comes from Dr. Seuss … Those who matter don’t mind (you being yourself) and those who mind don’t matter.
Many thanks for the rich dialogue here today with so many of you doing some fine revealing. So may it be for all of us as we step fully into our true selves.
ooops, left out the JKR page . . Goddess love you! I don’t blame you for being galled. I believe “the wife” has some serious issues of her own, don’t you think? (next time I won’t use sticky notes)
be
MandyM, can you clarify your comment please? I don’t follow you.
Y’know, maybe I shouldn’t do this. I’ve been – for a while now – reading the comments after my comment and thinking through an answer or thought brought on by each writer’s words. When I came back to the blog there were 50 comments! I’ve used up all my time now and haven’t read the last 25 or so new comments so I assume i will be duplicating some thoughts here or maybe, even, my remarks are already obsolete. Okay, here goes.
HS – If the pause button doesn’t work for both of you then maybe it’s time to move on.
Huffy – You want a plateau; a leveling out. Maybe unconsciously you find some comfort or need filled in just barely surviving. Maybe it is challenging in some way to trust yourself to spread out; put down roots. Yeah, me too on relationships. It includes everybody I relate to. Dream your dream starting with a horizon as far as the eye can see.
aword – I think you are part of the advance team & in a holding pattern as others catch up. Why not use the limbo-time to practice new modes of operation. Don’t try to see, but listen & feel. Hide your birthchart for a while & just allow yourself to do like you have done with your relationshiips – allow some space between you and the ever-changing symbols. Shut your eyes and practice feeling, listening & dreaming. If you feel like you are falling, open your eyes & regain balance. When it’s your turn to move forward again, your heart will tell you it’s time.
Maeve – You’re good and you’re funny and I wish there were about a million more of you.
Fe – Thanks for sharing that dream. I’m particularly intrigues by the high heeled right foot breaking the rocks. Doesn’t the left side of the brain control the right side of the body, and if so, does the unconscious know that? http://viewzone2.com/bicvamx.html
MandyM – Some of us are indeed rejected by our blood family & I think it is because we are supposed to learn we belong to the larger family of humanity. It’s a lesson from Hades as you can attest but you are on track and moving forward now. Good luck & keep us posted on that book’s progress. PS I like your new picture!
Amanda – No doubt impatience is a burr under the saddle. I believe it was one, if not THE main lesson of my present lifetime. Just remember Uranus in Aries is the 12th house if Taurus is the 1st house. It is ‘initiating’ an end to something – maybe a way of living.
Okay now back to all the other comments. it must be a Venus in Gemini thing.
be
I wanted to mention – you all are a great bunch of freaking people. Amanda opens up, delves into her issues, and here we are all talking about it, 50 comments strong. I just think it’s amazing and awesome. 🙂
Hugging Scorpio:
All I can say is: that was then, this is now
Lula: sorry for the typo on your name before
Hi Lula! 🙂
It sort of feels like there is always a limited amount of energetic ‘compost’. There is either enough to feed the heart or the head.. but not both! And we neglect to notice that we make those decisions every waking moment – maybe that is, Fe, why dreams give our bodies and minds a meaningful chance to recalibrate via the UNconscious while the rational waking mind is suspended.. dreaming lets off the steam we so resolutely build up. What would be the shape of our dreams if they did not need to be bound by that function? Hmm…
“Progressing relationship should have a measure of ease and a natural feel.”
Perfectly said and I agree.
“My feeling is that when we are in deep agonising mode about our relationships it is because there is something missing from our personal satisfaction in our own skin that we project onto the relationship.
If a relationship is consistently arduous, then unless you are learning something clearly about yourself and your process, that relationship is counterproductive and drains your energy – energy that may be deployed elsewhere.
You know when you have ease with someone and when you don’t – but it is easy to rationalise as a way of going into denial…”
Again, this is spot on and well articulated. I have been in both situations and the comfort and ease one is far better. My therapists told me that my gravitating to the agonizing ones (when I was younger) happened because of patterns set up in my youth but I could stop those patterns, love myself and then allow for a better relationship. With much work and a lot of time, that is exactly what happened. Hence my easy relationship with my husband. If I had met him before doing the hard work of working on myself, we would not have hit it off or been together.
MandyM – I don’t mind at all! Just dashing out now, but I will return to consider those changes tomorrow when I have time to digest. Thank you…
Lulu, with all due respect, if I may use your post as an example of a written exercise everyone can do. Whatever is going on in your relationships, write it all out – don’t hang back on ANYTHING no matter how petty or ugly you judge your feelings/thoughts to be. Then go back over it and change it and see if it fits for you. It may be very deep and take some time to find/admit.
I’m naturally very impatient (Gemini with Aries moon), so this combination has the effect of driving ME back into MY shell repeatedly, just as I reach out to MYSELF. I think I find our relationship to be too much of a burden at the moment, but I want me to be everything that I am, for me, and I”M gentleman enough to hold MY hands up after trying and say ‘I can’t do this right now’. I AM wonderful, complex, brilliant, irascible, funny and I fit me almost perfectly, except for this crucial need I have to be joined in a relationship of sharing (WITH MYSELF). My fear is that, no matter how much I want to give MYSELF the space to grow into ME, I will see it as me sacrificing myself and thus will not allow it to happen. Also, I will worry that my needs will surface periodically and put MYSELF under pressure, and I don’t think I want to be under that pressure. So, however much I LOVE MYSELF (as well I can, right now), I may just conclude that it’s too hard, and focus on other important areas of MY life. I have a feeling I may *just* be perfect together, if I can relax, but if I can’t… then what? It’s highly likely that I will take your stance on it, which is to not give it any more energy and honour it for what it is/was – a learning experience. It seems an impossible situation.
Hey folks, I usually don’t talk this much. Mercury is trining my MC.
Hi Alex! You’re right of course… Happily, the agonising for me was a recurring thing, rather than it being a large percentage of the time spent in the relationship, and the fact that it was recurring means there are definitely lessons to be learned. Just too damn many of them right now to be able to distinguish one from the other! Anyway, analysis seems to be my default position when cornered or insecure, so if I take Mandy’s advice on ego integration, your advice on how to not analyse, HS’s advice on letting things and people unfold at their own pace, plus a former guru’s warning to always recognise when things are done, then I should be set! 🙂
Thanks everyone for the space here, and especially to Amanda for opening it for us.
Mandy M:
Thanks for the sage words. You are absolutely right, and in light of what Alex says our relationships are a reflection of ourselves.
I was hoping for this kind of feedback when I posted my dream, and thank goodness we have a good safe circle here at PW to share insights!
Boy, I started out this morning so stressed out that I had to take a break to come home and chill abit before going back to work. There were delays getting back home that I thought were purposely drawn. Coming home and reading your comment made me feel as though those delays were telling me something that I needed to time my arrival right to come home and read your words.
This is a great thread.
Thanks, Mandy. Excellent advice. I copied your passage about merging with ego that you wrote on Hurry Up and Wait (I hope you don’t mind) for future reference – I think I need to be doing that myself. Probably multiple times, knowing the slipperiness of my ego 😉
Dear MandyM,
Although I agree so very much with strengthening ones internal relationships, as a former monk of 14 years, my whole life up to this point has been about that. As soon as I opened the door to having relationships with women, I realized that both types of work are vital, both work in tandem, and both are reflections of one another. I’m not sure our external relationships will be run smoothly simply because we are strong individuals. I also think that our work involves us to empathetically engage ourselves with our partners in helping them (and us) in the work of the relationship. I don’t want to use a relationship purely as a mirror. I want to also go beyond that mirror, into the person themselves, to understand them, to feel them and hear them. If they can do exactly that on their end, then hey, I think that makes for a great relationship! But I definitely see your point.
Lula, thank you again. It feels like you really went into this deeply and honestly. Bravo.
Analysis of relationship never works. Never has, never will and it is a slippery slope!
This does not mean that awareness does enter the piece, in my view. The question is ‘awareness of what?’
Straightforward relationship growth shouldn’t really involve agony. And for me, perhaps the central criterion revolves around comfort.
If you are agonising there is probably some irreconcilable duality in the analysis. Progressing relationship should have a measure of ease and a natural feel. My feeling is that when we are in deep agonising mode about our relationships it is because there is something missing from our personal satisfaction in our own skin that we project onto the relationship.
If a relationship is consistently arduous, then unless you are learning something clearly about yourself and your process, that relationship is counterproductive and drains your energy – energy that may be deployed elsewhere.
You know when you have ease with someone and when you don’t – but it is easy to rationalise as a way of going into denial…
This is ME! (I know it’s not really, but it’s what I look like). Time to show up in the world.
To further the external mirror: whatever you want from them that they are not giving to you, give it to yourself. And then silently (or not) thank THEM for NOT giving it to you, so you could heal, empower yourself and become whole.
I know we’ve all heard this before, but then that forgetting thing happens…….courtesy of the ego.
thanks for the reminder, mandym…
Dear HS, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. He’s a Cancer sun with both Scorpio moon and rising, plus abandonment issues as a child, so it’s going to be a long, slow haul if I’m to stick in there. I’m naturally very impatient (Gemini with Aries moon), so this combination has the effect of driving him back into his shell repeatedly, just as I reach out to him. I think he finds our relationship to be too much of a burden at the moment, but he wants me to be everything that I am, for me, and is gentleman enough to hold his hands up after trying and say ‘I can’t do this right now’. He is wonderful, complex, brilliant, irascible, funny and fits me almost perfectly, except for this crucial need I have to be joined in a relationship of sharing. My fear is that, no matter how much I want to give him the space to grow into us, he will see it as me sacrificing myself and thus will not allow it to happen. Also, he will worry that my needs will surface periodically and put him under pressure, and I don’t think he wants to be under that pressure. So, however much we both might love each other (as well as we can, right now), he may just conclude that it’s too hard, and focus on other important areas of his life. I have a feeling we may *just* be perfect together, if he can relax, but if he can’t… then what? It’s highly likely that he will take your stance on it, which is to not give it any more energy and honour it for what it is/was – a learning experience. It seems an impossible situation.
But thank you, again, for your empathy. Just completed my second crying jag of the day, but this one feels more healing. xx
“but it seems to be one of the insights shut away in the shadows… or, rather, the courage to see it feels locked up in something — pride? fear? shame? guilt?”
It’s that scared, freaked out ego with all the bolts on the door. Knock knock
I would strongly suggest that everyone heals the relationship with themselves. Use your external relationships as your mirror, nothing more. It is just a waste of energy right now to do external ‘fixing’. Once you do this, you will miraculously see the results in your external world or relationships. I wrote about this experience the other day in “Hurry Up And Wait” for those who missed it.
Four years ago I retired after a lifetime of pushing boundaries and opening doors for women to walk through. This article and comments may be the key needed to unlock my own personal doors for a more rewarding “rest of my life”. Thank you.
Lula, I am incredibly touched by your words. If you could see my eyes…
There is something beautiful in the way you describe your relationship that points to something long term. If you find small but genuine ways to share intimacy that have this feeling of growth to it, and you can see a future with him, I’d say hang in there. Slow down just a bit. Allow him the space to get into you, to find you irresistible, to miss you. Maybe he’s scared of loosing himself in someone, who knows. He could be paranoid of hurting you by asking for space, and then just shuts off or down rather than accept something purely natural about himself or where he’s at. There could be a few reasons why he is holding back. With Mars retro, I can tell you my libido is waaaayyyyy down. Of course it does mean a bit of sacrifice on your part in terms of letting yourself all hang out. 😉 The question is how much that interferes with your integrity to your desires.
My sincerest wishes to you Lula!
HS
It was 12 years ago I initiated my divorce from a marital situation that was unbearably abusive. Had I know the repercussions would I have made that change? Certainly it does not matter.
I have spent the past 12 years relearning many things, all pertaining to relating or relationship. In many ways, I have not changed at all. What has changed is, in fact, my relationship to inside and outside Self. Pieces of me that I enjoyed as a child are still intact and my adult self has been getting to know that child. Adult has much learning to do! And both still have fear to release.
I was going to post a question about reading charts – but for some reason this spilled out. Well then, I will ask the chart-read question another day.
xo
“Everything I judged him for doing to me, I was doing to myself.”
funny, i keep wondering about this myself. but it seems to be one of the insights shut away in the shadows… or, rather, the courage to see it feels locked up in something — pride? fear? shame? guilt?
thank you all for contributing to the conversation!
“I would be curious to know what it is in everyone here that is demanding that this either-or decision be made?”
Under the Easter moon 4 years ago I had a dream. I was at a water park and the pool I was in was under a tarp. The people with me were gray, depressed and unhappy. The pool was absolutely packed, I could hardly move. I said to myself “I don’t belong with these people anymore, it’s time for me to leave.”
I looked up and, to the left, there was another pool. It was out in the sunshine and the people in it were shiny, sparkly and playing joyfully. When I looked around to see how to get to that pool I realized that there was a huge line up. As a person who has absolutely no patience standing in line, I thought “there has to be another way”. I climbed on top of the railing and made my way past everyone to the top of the entrance. My Father was standing there and he said “You didn’t have to make it so hard, you know.” My thought was “It couldn’t have been any other way.” (I have since realized that I have made it harder by worrying and doubting myself).
I turned to get to the pool. There was a water slide entrance but it was gated. A conveyor belt ran to the gate but it was sliced in two and a woman maintenance worker was fixing it. I turned to my Father in exasperation. He smiled at me and said “You’ll just have to wait.”
I don’t know who the shiny, happy people are (maybe YOU?) – I don’t even know if they’re human, but that’s where I’m going. This dream has, at times, been the only thing that has kept me going the last few years.
The conveyor belt is my brain. If you read recently my experiences on merging the two halves, I assume this means the conveyor belt is fixed and all systems are go, or very close to it. I can feel it in my bones that something huge is coming down the pike and I think it’s during the last half of April.
Fe: “he was no good, too weak, and not committed enough.”
Don’t know if this is relevant for you but I just went through this with an ex. I brought it back to myself and realized that:
I was not committed to myself
I wasn’t loving myself enough
I was telling myself I wasn’t good enough
I was scared
I wasn’t respecting myself……………..
Everything I judged him for doing to me, I was doing to myself.
Amanda – also, _lovely_ photo. 🙂 So complicated and simple.
Hugging Scorpio, wow. You have basically just described the other side of my relationship. For my part, I know I pushed my lover before he was ready, and I know that the reasons for that are all to do with me. Like Amanda said, it was that feeling of ‘I want’ making me force the issue instead of letting it evolve naturally. So, the lesson? My ‘need’ for emotional stability and security in the context of my relationship produced the exact opposite. I pushed and pushed my agenda until I broke the spirit of our relationship.
In answer to Be’s question, the space where I am now is in trying to reconcile my needs now (that is to be in a loving relationship where both of us show up – his intimacy issues mean that he is not ready for this, in his words) versus what I know *could* be a great relationship in the future. Do I wait, and sacrifice a part of myself in the short term, for the longer term payoff, or do I recognise that I can no longer accept a half-relationship that really only has potential? Indeed, would he EVER be able to let me in? Or, as others have commented here already, am I only the catalyst to him being able to do that with someone more patient and less needy than I? That’s a hard thing to think about, and reading your post, HS, made me very sad (but happy for you, and for him, if that is indeed his way of thinking) – this man is my best friend. I miss him so much already, and it’s only been a few days since we had the kind of conversation you describe with your lady, HS.
Thank you so much for presenting the other side so eloquently. I find it interesting that the extent of my denial meant that I could not fully hear that from him, but I could hear it from you. Good luck with your journey – you seem to have an absolutely amazing sense of self-worth, which is a joy to see modelled.
“I would be curious to know what it is in everyone here that is demanding that this either-or decision be made? What is it that is driving you to upend your situations so much that it will alienate you from your present relationships? Is it possibly that those relationships aren’t very satisfying anymore? Is that the truth that you are denying? Is it that the relationships are comforting and contribute to the picture of stability and even success, but there is no excitement or growth and you would like some of that? What clock alarm inside you has gone off that says I want more than what I’ve got but why do I have to give up what is comforting and non-challenging? Could that be what Uranus in Aries (me) square Pluto in Capricorn (status quo) is doing to us as individuals?”
For me this is not activating in my relationship with Dave but rather my relationship with my self and my direction in life. I feel compelled to DO something (besides being the full-time mother and wife) but I am not willing to mess up the family dynamics in order to do so because I still have minor children (and two just-now-launching-young women) who still need me (and I really love doing that). So the status quo means remaining what I am but the urge to change means adding something else.
One of the callings I have always had has been to help people with their problems (like a counselor). I am a natural with it and people seem drawn to me all the time. I never pursued that because it would take way too much time and money to fulfill society’s requirements in order to do that as a paid profession. So instead, I have taught myself and helped people who come to me. I always refer people when I know a professional would be better but if I can tell they just need someone to listen and validate their feelings, while sharing what I know about relating and life, I am good at that.
I am currently helping a young woman who is having a crisis of self which is causing her to be clingy and unhappy to her husband. He in turn is acting differently because her clinging-needy self isn’t the woman he married. So I am helping her find her way by listening.
I would love to do this more often (and for pay would be great) but society has set up a structure that will not allow me to do it in the conventional way. There is a loophole however; I can do it if I use the New Age door; rather like astrologers counsel people without a license. So I am feeling the polarity between doing that and remaining what I am.
I don’t know how to set that up if I wanted to do it and I lack the confidence to just DO it using tarot or astrology or whatever. That’s the conflict I am having right now.
Oh Amanda, wonderful stuff! I’ve been doing the same true self vs. others forever and a day. It’s an elusive concept, but I intuitively know (and have experienced here and there) that when I am able to completely embrace myself, the disapproval, abandonment, and rejection of and by others toward me becomes a non-issue. Freeeeedom! But man, it takes a lot of honest gut wrenching work and daily maintenence, of which I did not keep up with very well this past decade. Some random and merciless life events, like a brutal riptide, took me out to sea somehow these past years. I’ve been swimming like crazy, to no avail, to reach the shore. Just lately, I finally saw some progress – I actually glimpsed the shore! But alas, to my consternation, it is not the shore I imagined it to be! I’m not sure I even saw land; I think it was a mirage from my past and it seems I’m not allowed to go back. So here I am, hanging out in the riptide. I’m kind of floating now; at least, I’ve given up trying to swim it out. I imagine it’s going to take me in when it’s good and ready and who knows when that will be? Will I be hanging out here until the major planets move on to the next square? That’s a long time to be treading deep water.
It is comforting to know one is not alone so thank you each of you for sharing your journey here.
Funny. Out here in the deep it’s very, very quiet. Not even a seagull to break up the monotony of an endless sky. I had no idea so many of you are, evidently, swimming or dog paddling, or floating, beside me.
Namaste.
“We’re not conditioned to be okay with being alone in this world, or to be completely ourselves.”
It is even more than that. Experiments with primates have shown that if they ARE alone, they fail to thrive and their immune systems go down. That means it isn’t just about conditioning; it is about survival. We NEED one aother to survive and thrive; it isn’t negotiable. So that drive to be accepted is not necessarily a detriment; it is for our own physiological and psychological good. It is when that desire to survive is imbalanced with our need to be ourselves that a co-dependency kind of fear sets in. Yes, we do need others to survive but what others is the important question. We have to have faith that if we be ourselves, someone will accept us. That is the fear to get past. We must know that we will not be alone even if we be ourselves. Experience has shown us that being ourselves does cost us people who may have stayed had we been different.
The trick is finding ways to live without that fear because that fear can be felt by others and that drives them away. Confidence is attractive so we must accept and love ourselves as we really are first and then the others will eventually follow.
thank you Maeve, with all humility, I hope I’m walking that way. I’m not sure.
Amanda – it’s been said a bunch already, but good on you for opening up and digging into this stuff, and taking us all on the journey.
When you learn to not be honest when you’re young, it sets hard, hard habits which trickle into everything. One thing that struck me about your story was that you talked of abandonment as a result of being honest. I don’t know what your history is, but for me, it’s also a combination of being genuine and being ignored, and acting appropriately to manage other people. My father is crazy. Looney bin, more medication than to tranquelize an elephant, the SWAT team came to escort him to the psych ward kind of crazy. When he would sane up, Mom would go off the deep end. Rinse, lather, repeat. So I developed a number of coping mechanisms, simply to survive. They are no longer useful as ingrained habits, but at one time, they were. When the choice is “having emotions and displaying being mad” versus “dad gets mad and punches holes in the walls and mom grabs you and you run from the house to the car and hope you get away in time”, you learn real quick to not have emotions. And to learn how to manage the chaos, so that one’s own life is better.
*sigh*
Like I said, I don’t know what your past was, but don’t sell yourself short because your coping with the result of out-dated patterning now. What you do now may have once been useful, in its way. You do what you have to, as long as you have to, until you can get to a better place. Seems like you’ve found your better place, somewhere stable enough that you can dig inside and sort it all out.
It takes mindfulness, to keep yourself out of situations where you are “forced” to react by habit. You don’t always have to push for doing things the way you are working towards, but DO push to keep yourself in a mental place where you can choose to respond, instead of being forced to react. When you can _think_ through your choices, you choose to make better ones.
One small reminder… be sure to keep yourself well-fed and hydrated and enough rest. I know when working through this heavy stuff, it’s easy to forget about the basics. But those basics make the heavy stuff just a little lighter.
HS – what I get out of what your gut says is … don’t put anymore energy towards it. Whatever happens, happens.
Which makes sense. You said you told her about your brainspace before, and she didn’t hear you. Which doubly makes me think that some of your difficulties are from her issues.
Don’t stop being forthright and honest. While most people here are struggling to repattern old brain bits about being honest and open, it seems like you’re walking the path clean and clear. (I know it’s not that simple, but still…)
Fe – your dream sounds… good. Like, good _for_ you. 🙂
Huffy and Maeve,
Thank you both for your input and advice!
Huffy, I try to say no, but honestly, it’s going to be my life work. It’s never easy, eh?
Maeve, thanks so much. My gut says:
“Leave it be. You’ve done your work here. It wasn’t easy but you did your best, and bravo! You also brought honesty and compassion and genuine affection to the relationship. Don’t let your commitment to the idea of making it work deceive your truth and honesty with what is real. Have faith in the universe and in the act of working in integrity with it and yourself.”
…phew…………
WOW! I’ve always lived with a ‘foot in both worlds’ and so did my brother. I kept it to myself, he didn’t and was labelled schizophrenic at 13. We were the ‘blacksheep’. He was deported back to the UK at 18 and spent most of his life travelling Europe with cart and ponies spreading the Word. He opened 3 homeless shelters with his own money. He was a leading force in the Battle of the Beanfield at Stonehenge. We all reunited after 25 years when my dad was dying. Dad told my brother that he was still just wasting space on the planet. Long story short, my brother committed suicide 4 years to the day after dad died. Mum passed 7 months later. They were all cremated and rest together. I was cut from the will, my sisters wouldn’t tell me the funeral date, so I missed that. A year later I went to the cemetery – my sisters are named on the headstone, but my brother and I are not. We never existed. No worries peeps, it’s just part of the story and was meant to be this way – everyone played their parts beautifully.
My ex has long told my kids that I’m crazy because of the ‘stuff’ I’m into. They are in their 20’s now so a couple of years ago I started telling them about my experiences. Neither one will have anything to do with me now. I had my first grandchild born last year and 3 months later my daughter said “I hope you enjoy being the grandmother that my daughter will never know.” (It’s just a story). Rejection is just a same shit different day thing for me. I know it’s people’s fear of the unknown.
Five years ago the Underworld came knocking loudly. It began with a near-death wherein a Rabbi basically kicked my ass to remember the important thing I was here to do. Five months later a Being told me to prepare myself as my brother wasn’t doing well. I did try to contact him (even though I knew I wasn’t to save him), but he was gone 3 days later. This ‘important thing’ took 5 years to complete. I almost joined the list of people who think I’m insane.
My chart is like a flashing beacon at the moment that I am to write a book about this. It’s my destiny. It terrifies me. It’s linked to past lives where I was executed for speaking my Truth to the world at large. What’s left of my family will absolutely flip out. I have no friends because, Scorpio that I am, I can’t do superficial. Everyone has judged me as a loser because I had to quit my job and am on welfare while I healed and integrated all of this. Thankfully God coincided menopause at this time so I have a documented, reasonable excuse for people. I have to let go of “how am I going to survive while I write this book?’ because it just panics me. I guess I have all that I need because I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and a computer to write the book with.
I can’t live this double life anymore (oppositions in chart), it is screaming to come out. I recently was strongly on the side of not doing the book, but then that damn Len Wallick told me he wanted to read it. Shit. I waffled again and yesterday bkhoeler kicked my ass again with the beautiful comments about my writing. So, I’m going to feel the fear and do it anyway. I know I need to ground this so last week I spent my income tax return on a Delores Cannon trained hypnotist. It was so incredible to talk to a human being about this and have it completely accepted. bkhoeler commented yesterday “you don’t have Tnode in Leo for nothing” so I’m locking into that. The book should be released after Saturn enters Scorpio to do a dance with my stellium there. I will have Saturn trining natal Saturn, and Pluto trining natal Pluto, not that I know what that means, but it looks like some positive support.
Amanda, thank you so much for writing about this! Now I can say to you all: YOUR support, acceptance and wonderful comments to me over the last couple of months has meant more than you can ever know. If there is anyway way at all that I can be of service and support to any of you in our mutual ‘turning inside out’, please let me know. I love you all! Onward and upward!!
aword — alas, my “natural” state seems to be waiting and avoiding making decisions. hence, limbo can often be a very dangerous thing for me to get too comfortable with, i think.
be — i appreciate your questions! though i have to say, part of what i’m seeing in myself seems far less a situation of wanting to shake up a “comfortable” situation and much more a case of seeing more clearly what has been ignored but never really worked in its attempted incarnation.
is transition and evolution possible, rather than “losing” a person/relationship? i believe so. but i seem to keep undermining my openness to that process by getting hung up on the “wanting” of certain things before i can allow relationship evolution to take its course.
Amanda:
Very powerful and completely fitting. I had a very potent dream this morning about an old lover who split ways with me abruptly, and I never had a chance to say what I truly wanted to say — how he had betrayed me more than once and I never called him on it. How I was so fearful of being abandoned after having experienced the sudden death of my father, how all the demons of my past problems with relationships came up, with my parents included, seated on the front steps of my house.
In my dream, having re-lived the pleasures of that first primary relationship and then the betrayal, I called my old lover on it. And then, as I was leaving that house, I walked around my parents, who asked me “where is B***? Why aren’t you with him now? And to which I replied, while walking forward and away from them, turning down to the ground to use my high-heeled right foot (my right leg has the injured knee) to squash the remaining rocks and stones that were there in front of me, and telling my parents the truth about him — that he was no good, too weak, and not committed enough.
It was an unnerving dream to have in the morning, but I felt as though there was something unsaid in my past that needed to be cleared so that I could move on. A little stone that tripped me up until I finally crushed it.
Hugging Scorpio – here’s a secret about girls (okay, this girl, and I supsect many others). Rushing into sexual relations is a mechanism for insecure women to “secure” a man. That he may wander if you don’t seduce him first. I did that a lot when I was younger, although in my case, it was more of a control issue (“ooh, he’s cute, I’ll take _him_ home tonight”, and I would, every single time). We are taught to be valued by our sex (the action, not the gender). And, we are also taught that if a guy can’t perform, that it’s _clearly_ something wrong with the woman, because all men always want sex all the time.
Yes, I’m exaggerating hyperbolically (does that phrase even work? I haven’t had enough tea…). But I also know there is truth in there. Your emotional issues are completely and entirely valid. And self-knowing and honorable. I wonder, though, if some of your relationship issues are complicated by issues she might have (I know, we all have issues (I have so many issues, I’ve got subscriptions, nyuk nyuk)), but perhaps hers dovetail particularly well here).
So, what _does_ your gut say? I couldn’t quite tell, because even your telling was overshadowed with talking about fear.
PS Amanda,
For me, “limbo” is an important place of waiting. (The train station). -Such as in Len’s suggestion of “hurry up and wait”. My natural desire is to do the “hurry” part (so much Aries in my chart!) but “wait” is what is called for. “Wait” is what I have been shown – and given the space – to do. And patiently – as in behaviour, not as in compliance or lack of motivation.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and conversation-provoking sharing here.
xo
“The reactions can be viciously overt or subtly insidious. Avoiding those reactions can keep us ‘safe’ from the reproach of others, but it can’t protect us from ourselves.”…….How true. One of the worst things in life is feeling like you have to apologize for being whoever you actually are. Yesterday I mentioned that I’ve once again started sleepwalking – a habit that I thought had been relegated exclusively to my childhood. A short while ago, I had houseguests, a couple – relatives of my husband. My husband casually mentioned (or maybe thought he should warn them) that I sleepwalk and not to be alarmed. To make them easier, he told them, “It’s cute and harmless”. Well, the wife went apeshit – she made such an overt fuss and said she was “too scared” to be around somebody who has this habit. My husband realized his mistake and smoothed it over by saying that “It’ll be alright – he’ll guarantee HER safety”. I was completely galled. How dare a houseguest that I welcomed make me feel uncomfortable in my own home and rally MY husband to her corner! Because I respect my husband, I restrained myself from telling this couple to get the fuck out of my house and go stay at a hotel if they’re such chickens. But all too often…copping out on yourself seems the path of least resistance. Instead, I spent the week “monitored” by my sleepless husband…..and I didn’t talk to my husband for weeks and weeks after this episode.
Dear Hugging, it’s brilliant that you’ve got to this stage already:”I learn to allow others in my life to make their own choices. I can still be there for them, but now it’s not a drain on my life force. And if it becomes draining, I know how to say “no”.” I’m only just getting there myself!(and I’m a good deal older..). I would really meditate and get out of my head if I were you, about your current situation. We create such dramas in our heads – that often cover a deeper fear. And that can come up gently with meditation and/or some therapy. Good luck dear!
Thank you, Amanda. And thank you Be, for asking the question ( I could not put my finger on). For me, I feel as though I am through the other side of this “moment” already. I have been doing the look into my past and re-group and re-relate for over a decade now. I have felt the pull of “something new” very strongly (although with ebb and flow).
Now I am more inside a space that is white light – trying to remember to use alternative senses than sight (since in this light I cannot “see” well).
At night I travel very deep into the beyond although these days it is so deep that I remember little in the mornings. And when I do not travel deeply in the nighttime (too much external interference aka noise, the restless cats etc) then the next day my eqilibrium is so “off” that I have to go on remote control to get through the day.
And so although there are people I am still in touch with, I have effectively left many relationships behind. No ripping or tearing or burning bridges. Just a knowing that I no longer connect to certain others as I did before. I don’t REACH out like I did before, yet my heart surrounds more than ever before.
Maybe it’s Neptune and Chiron on my Sun. Maybe it’s all that Pluto/Mars action I’ve got going on. Maybe it’s Venus.
I do know that I am in a sort of limbo just now. And it is about something much bigger than I previously thought. I just haven’t consciously experienced it yet.
xo
Dearest Be, obviously I can only speak for myself here. But my life has been anything but comfortable or easy over the years, and it’s not that I wish to give up something comforting or secure for excitement and growth. I agree with you that it’s really important to nourish a dream. But the astrology of these times has put me in front of certain mechanisms and patterns that I keep playing out in my life again and again, like a stuck record – and I’d like to play a different tune – which might or might not involve radical change – the important thing for me is to stop living on the brink of survival all the time and occupy a bigger space if possible. For me, in this context, ‘relationships’ mean how I relate to the world and others, particularly the world of work, but also friends.
Thank you so much Amanda for sharing yourself so openly. My best to you in what you are navigating. Thank you also to others here who have shared!
Huffy, I too know that feeling of being the “child moderator”, somehow taking upon myself to make others happy by taking on their depression. I know differently now as I learn to allow others in my life to make their own choices. I can still be there for them, but now it’s not a drain on my life force. And if it becomes draining, I know how to say “no”.
Be: to try and answer your question for myself. I’ve asked this very same thing. Why am I compelled to make a decision or act? My circumstance is about a woman I’ve been seeing casually and intimately. As I’ve shared before, it’s been my first. That doesn’t make it any less important or frivolous. I like and care for her and my affection was deepening. We got on great. The problem was that she often revved up the sexual gears to fast too soon and I lacked the appropriate response time. This caused me to get nervous, feel pressured, insecure, and even unsure. Last week, this brought up a conversation that needed to happen for our mutual integrity. I allowed her to feel like she didn’t owe me anything just because I wasn’t ready enough. A week went by and it was tough on me as I was just starting to open up more and feel more relaxed with her. I decided to meet her yesterday and we had a good if somewhat heated (on my end) talk about how I felt in all this. I wanted to see how I/we felt about each other given the break. I told her to put herself in my shoes, be a man who is just starting, and feel the tension that brings. Men exhibit this tension and nervousness by not “getting it up” or by being a little slow on the uptake. Time and ease is essential for me. She got it and was really grateful on telling her all this. I mean, I told her before too! What was different though, was that I already energetically close myself off to her. I left her last night feeling very sick. This tension I’ve been repeatedly leaning into was starting to not feel good.
My situation is, is this tension still appropriate? I’m all about facing my fears and getting the shit out. But how much is enough before you realise that maybe she is just not working for you? Do I risk leaving a gift from the universe because I still have issues to confront, or do I listen to my gut feeling. Which is actually correct. The gut can often be deceptive when there is a lot of fear. I don’t want to run away. The need to act simply comes from a need to resolve this inner conflict. And I’ve waiting things out I think, and not just once or twice. The problem in “hanging in there” is that I potentially lose an opportunity to have an open space again for something even better to manifest. One must make a choice to resolve confusion. I’ve approached that resolution by meditation, time, and integration. So, reopening this relationship seems incredibly daunting as it means starting over on some levels – reopening myself up energetically. And for what? To get to the same conclusion or tension? I am just not convinced that she will be the match I need at this time in my life. And is that fair to her too?
For now, I’ve left things with her on a good and very open note. If she and I feel like trying again, I will let our natural desires speak that honesty.
Thanks for reading,
HS
And Yeshe too.
I would be curious to know what it is in everyone here that is demanding that this either-or decision be made? What is it that is driving you to upend your situations so much that it will alienate you from your present relationships? Is it possibly that those relationships aren’t very satisfying anymore? Is that the truth that you are denying? Is it that the relationships are comforting and contribute to the picture of stability and even success, but there is no excitement or growth and you would like some of that? What clock alarm inside you has gone off that says I want more than what I’ve got but why do I have to give up what is comforting and non-challenging? Could that be what Uranus in Aries (me) square Pluto in Capricorn (status quo) is doing to us as individuals?
Does it help at all (and apparently Amanda, you have helped Huffy, Sarah, Kathy, Indranibe, Lula and sally) to know that everybody in the world is going through these same disturbing realizations – that they are dis-satisfied with the way things are but too terrified to throw the whole structure out for fear they will be wrong and that there really isn’t anything better than ‘what-is’?
The whole world (maybe the whole Universe) is going through a mid-life crisis and we don’t seem able to see, know and/or understand the right thing to do. It is called chaos and who knows better than Neptune how to deal with chaos? I’m thinking you and I need to come up with a really, really, good dream that will fill us up with such sure-ness that we won’t fear making the wrong decision. I think it is a 7-year itch type of thing we are going through. Not that there is such a specific time frame, but knowing what Pluto and Uranus are up to and knowing what shape your dream is creating are good enough parameters for now. Pretend you are a youngster again and you are playing by yourself in the yard or listening to music you love to listen to and you start daydreaming of yourself as a new person in a new place doing new things. Keep doing that until you find the one that really excites you, and you will. We are all still youngsters inside that can still dream of what we want to be someday. Once you get your dream started then nourish it and keep it to yourself for a while. Then, maybe on some special day we can all share our dreams right here, where we trust we will be supported. We don’t have to rush to get it done by the weekend (no matter what Uranus tells you) and if you are out of practice on conjuring up a dream don’t push yourself too hard. Start small. If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna make a dream come true?
be
Amanda,with heart felt gratitude, thank you for bearing your soul. It speaks of the journey I, myself, have been on. After years, and decades of healing work and internal digging, this Mars retrograde dug up a part of myself I am calling “the Girl in the Black Tunnel”, that part of myself that has been buried away alive in her tomb. I have ever so slowly and cautiously tempted her out, like an abused stray dog. It is well worth the work, though the fear is there that my whole life, and it’s current relationships, are in the process of a great shift. And yet the push is so strong, there is no choice but to stay on top of the storm surge and ride the wave to shore. Thank you for exposing your soul work to all of us. With love.
Amanda,with heart felt gratitude, thank you for bearing your soul. It speaks of the journey I, myself, have been on. After years, and decades of healing work and internal digging, this Mars retrograde dug up a part of myself I am calling “the Girl in the Black Tunnel”, that part of myself that has been buried away alive in her tomb. I have ever so slowly and cautiously tempted her out, like an abused stray dog. It is well worth the work, though the fear is there that my whole life, and it’s current relationships, are in the process of a great shift. And yet the push is so strong, there is no choice but to stay on top of the storm surge and ride the wave to shore. Thank you for exposing your soul work to all of us with love.
What everyone else said. GREAT post. I’m feeling this one intensely.
Amanda, you’ve nailed it completely. These are exactly the questions that are being played out in all areas of my life, but most specifically with my relationship. We’re staring denial in the face and it’s painful. At the moment, I feel like I lose whichever way forward I choose, but I’m hoping that’s just down to my inability to see the future. Faith that the right people will show up is perhaps the hardest faith of all. Thanks for writing so personally, it speaks to me far more clearly than some of the more abstract pieces on here.
That is fantastc Amanda – and freaky! It’s certainly The Big Question! “Who is the you nobody knows?” I think (speaking for myself), it’s the “you” you always wanted to be! I think (speaking for myself), it’s time to “cut loose” and just be it – no more asking, no more questioning. The only answer to “Do I dare?” must be “yes”. I think it’s time for the “quantum leap”… Here goes…
You’re amazing, Amanda <3
Amanda, you could be speaking about me too. I am known to be an honest person – I think I am more honest than most. But I learned to lie to myself when it comes to my feelings about others, whether those feelings were “No, I won’t do that any more,” or “Yes, I love you.” The former risked rage, the latter risked abandonment. Actually, that’s not true: they both risked rage and abandonment. The realisation is that withholding both of these didn’t save me from either, and more than likely precipitated them sometimes.
I’m looking forward to the opportunity to start being more honest with others. My life is such right now that I am fairly isolated from a physical and geographical standpoint – so I’ve been doing a lot of this confronting alone and within – but that seems to be on the verge of changing.
Thank you!
And this is exactly what was going through my mind on my way home yesterday, the queasy feeling of not being entirely honest: “it means having to face up to a lifetime of what amount to lies, even though I really thought I was being honest, or ‘didn’t know’. It means integrating this person living my life with the person I’ve pushed into the shadows”. Good luck with your journey, dear Amanda!
Thank you, dearest Amanda, for telling your story so honestly and clearly here. You’ve told my story too, and I’m sure many others. I’ve just come back from a weekend away, staying with old friends who live in the country. I came back feeling depressed, alienated, out of sorts. The weekend was difficult, and once back home, I set to understanding what was going on. The situation with my friends is heavy because the husband is very sick (though luckily responding well to treatment). But this has brought up a lot of issues between husband and wife – a very needy husband and an angry, frustrated woman, trying to play the part of good loving wife with sick husband. And I found myself playing the same role that I always played with my parents, that of the peacemaker, the mediator, doing anything I could to re-establish harmony in an unhappy household. There I was, a 50 year-old woman playing the part of the anxious child, who is fundamentally ignored by parents too concerned with their own needs to notice the child. And that, I realise, is where the feeling of deep alienation comes from. It takes real courage and perseverance to ‘risk’ being honest and truly oneself,and therefore the possibilityof being abandoned. But in doing that, one is able to become whole in oneself, and nothing beats that. Thank you dear Amanda, for your honesty and courage.
It was lovely to get back to PW last night, and catch up on the woderful blogs and comments. I felt really comforted. Thank you, all.