Today’s Oracle takes us to the Leo monthly for Sept.1, 2003.
Generally we bring part of ourselves into each relationship. Curious as this may sound, few partnerships can withstand a person showing up with their whole being. When one relationship becomes our primary vehicle for self-expression, what often happens is that many other aspects of who we are can get left outside the temple. I suggest you track what you bring into each partnership, and do your best to bring all of you into all of them. If an aspect of who you are or what you feel is not welcome with someone, now is the time to find out how and why. There was a time in your life when group encounters and same-sex intimates were much more important to you than they are today. They served a vital purpose — as vital as you.
Note, The Oracle is a random selection from the Eric Francis horoscope archives. Each day we publish one entry from among the 10,000 in our database. It’s a little slice of horoscope history — but chosen by our Oracle program, which always speaks to the present moment. New horoscopes are published each Friday plus twice a month in Planet Waves subscriber edition and Planet Waves Light. And for your annual reading, check out Light Bridge.
Thanks for reaching out Sarah; very much appreciated. You brought up an interesting point about using our histories and wounds to help not only ourselves, but others. I agree using those “gifts” can be potent. Empathy grows and compassion can replace anger.
People misuse power. When we don’t have strong boundaries, then people like your friend and mine can do damage when the project onto us. It took me awhile to finally understand that the people around me, mainly my mother, could not handle emotions well and her response was to project, heavily. Decades later, when I did talk to her about such things, she was not aware of how her words stuck and hurt. She was just doing the best she could.
The things I wrote about yesterday I have visited before. The spiral of life came around again, sparking new growth on issues that I once thought healed. I guess that is what healing is about, going deeper, and there is always work to do somehow.
In a workshop years ago, I heard a Rabbi describe his childhood experiences of having to remain quiet in front of Nazi soldiers for his life was in jeopardy. Speaking, he was then in his late 70’s, maybe early 80’s and his body reacted to his own story that if he had stepped forward to help another, he would have been killed. His eyes welled up as anguish and anger surfaced, he paused and breathed. He said, “Thank you for the opportunity for me to revisit this. I can feel it and now I let it go.”
I wrote about personal experiences in a public forum because at times, it does seem appropriate to share such ideas. The connection with astrology amazes me; what little I know. I have had an exciting year+ as pluto entered my first house and Chiron knocked at the door, retreated, and is now heading for its full return in my second house. [I was grateful for the retrograde, the initial pressure was enormous.] There are a lot of other interesting transits in there as well. I don’t see myself or the world like I did before.
Writing is cathartic and I also think sometimes if I had read or knew of others that had had similar experiences in my younger years, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone. When anyone writes here, on PW, I listen and learn. Lots of helpful morsels! Sarah, I love you and all the others who step forward sharing and assisting.
I am learning to parent myself, once again, on a new level. Revisiting the early years, AGAIN, is not something that I thought I needed to do. I was mistaken. Still angry that I structure my public self in such a way to “protect” myself. Discovering a mask and removing it, only reveals the next one.
Hugs, gwind. There is a lot in what you write that I can identify with. I was told I was “too much”, that I’d go mad, that I was a ‘drama queen’ (and, hell, I had good reason to be one!). A supposed friend (well, “supposed” is what I thought at the time and for a long time after that) suggested that I had a severe mental illness: hard to dismiss given that he’s a psychiatrist, until I realised that he was wounding in the only effective way he knew how in order to divert the spotlight from himself.
I’m not perfect; I have my moments — too many to count. But the wounding I received gave me something that has started to turn into a gift: the ability to see the same wounding in others, and to help them, as I help myself, find the winding road out of self-judgement and self-diminishment and into healing.
Seeing today’s oracle and rereading the weekly, I cut out the Gemini report and taped it in my journal. I started writing with the line: “Kicking my ass!” The past three days have been confusing, dark, and anxiety ridden.
So finally I did what was suggested in the weekly, to look at myself from other people’s perspectives. It was a daunting task. Maybe for some people it is easy, but I went through a pile of tissues. I started with the obvious and went after it in my earliest recollections to get to the root.
In this “glimpse,” I saw that while growing up, the more I was me, the more I was ridiculed; mainly by three older brothers that loved to torture and parents that did not protect me. I think this resulted in a fear so ingrained that I believed that if I allowed myself to know what others thought of me I would not be able to survive. I saw things that others could not. My reality didn’t match the original group, therefore, there must be something wrong with me. With that background, because the torture felt relentless, I thought they didn’t like me. If saw what they saw, I must be horrible, crazy even. They did all those things to me didn’t they? Boundaries? I didn’t know the concept.
In Jr. high, someone made comments to me they thought I was “mental” and it hurt so much, especially when I considered the source. It seemed the more I protested that I was not crazy, the worse the ridicule. The result was a huge “fuck you” chip on my shoulder. I thought, “I will really be me and show you all…”
Today I asked myself, how did I learn to be expressive with the fear of ridicule and humiliation shadowing it? Walls; putting up big walls. I-don’t-care-what-you-think attitudes. Being flamboyant. Or how about being wide open and say anything goes? It is not true, I am so scared. I cannot even guess as to how many anxiety attacks I have created out of the duality of wanting to be quiet, yet feeling my soul’s need to heal and shine.
I take lots of risks and sitting still is not something I generally do well. All I can do is be me, warts and all. If I am scared at what I think or do, there is a chance I scare other, more grounded, people. [oh jesus, I do not want to TRULY scare anyone; I know what it feels like] Poking holes is poking holes. What a choice I have made.
None of this makes me bad. This does not make me crazy. I do not need to change anyone’s opinions. I do not need to make anyone like me. It is all okay and I won’t die. I won’t be alone. [more tissues, please] I will be free and I can see others as being free too. My intention, in this moment, is to let everyone off the hook.
This is a big one. If I can integrate it, I think my life will change. I think it will give me permission somehow to be a part of the group, or even better, the world. That is something I have always wanted.