The Pleasure and the Privilege Are Mine

By Maria Padhila

“Were you having dreams about two men talking about you?”

That was Chris’ question a few days after what we (three) had been jokingly calling the “summit,” when he and Issac got together to hang out and talk about our (three’s) relationship. Or at least that was the intention. Or maybe that was just my intention. I wanted the two of them to talk so that I wouldn’t so often be the intermediary in calendar disputes, feelings of inequality or disrespect for feelings, etc. I had to re-learn that my intentions have very little to do with what other people choose to do. That’s something I forgot to take into consideration in all my contemplation about this arrangement. Like Dorothy Parker said, you can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.

Chris meant “dreams” quite literally, because I eventually went to bed and to sleep while they stayed up and talked. That was the only way I could control my own lack of control of the conversation — I wanted not to be there. Preferably, I would have been in another state (not too hard when you live in the DMV), but in the bedroom alone would have to do.

I had been on pins and needles trying not to control anything from the start. Chris was asking about more overnights, which have been a tough subject. We’d been following the rule we learned at our first poly dinner meetup, which was “you only go as fast as the slowest one in the group.” Isaac was okay with our overnights when we were traveling, camping, or doing art or ritual, but not with my staying over on a more casual basis. A lot of that is our work — we don’t have many times when he can sleep in with me and then schlep off to brunch or a yoga class together, and he doesn’t want to give up the few days when that’s possible. I first asked Isaac if he could propose a date for him and Chris to get together.

“Why?” he asked.

“Well, he has some things he wants to tell you,” I said.

“Like what?” Isaac said. “That I’m a selfish, oppressive [word you never call the umpire]?” (This is considered a joke in our household. We talk tougher than most.)

“Noooo, just some basic stuff. I don’t want to get into the details — I just think it would be good for you two to meet sometime without me and talk.”

Now, every poly talker and blogger and advice-giver will tell you that not everyone in the configuration has to be lovers, or even friends, or even particularly like hanging out together. They need to get along, not hate each other, not suspect or mistrust each other, that kind of thing. Anything else is gravy, they say. Actually, it’s my holy grail, that I could have a big happy poly family, but I happened to fall in love with someone at a time that won’t necessarily work, and I decided to live with that and see what happens.

Truly, I didn’t care much what they had to say about me. That was the least of my worries. I was more concerned that they’d end up not liking each other at all — that their many similarities and their jealousies would surface in a game of male one-up. But even this wasn’t a huge concern — I know them better than that. They’re both too confident to go into that kind of spiral. Where I turned into a control freak was in making sure that they hung out alone together at all.

At first they were going to meet away from Isaac’s and my apartment, but they were both a little too work-worn to deal with a night out. So Chris came over here, which I didn’t like because it created a power disadvantage (Maria control freak alarm bell #1). We were running late (control alarm bell #2), and then so was Chris, so when he got here, Isaac and Tobi and I were curled up on the couch, eating Indian takeout and watching the first “Pirates of the Caribbean,” which we’d finally decided Tobi was old enough to see. (Nuclear family on couch, alarm bell #3.) Chris had some food with us and I suggested that the two of them walk down the street to a café or something, because I could watch Tobi, so how about going out, huh? (Bell #4.) They both shrugged and settled deeper into the couch (and the perusal of Keira Knightly’s corset; which certainly deserves attention).

“Well… how much longer is this movie?” I wondered aloud. (#5.) An hour and a half went by. It’s one long movie all right.

It wasn’t until it was long over and Tobi was in bed that they finally got out of the damn house. An hour later they were back — I’d been on the couch reading online poetry magazines. We began another triangulated conversation, and despite the relatively early hour for a Saturday, I got very, very sleepy. These guys were going to talk to each other, not to me — I was determined. So I went to bed alone. That’s about the last thing that’s supposed to happen when you’re the hinge in a V, but so it goes.

It wasn’t until a few days later that Issac asked if I wasn’t curious about what they might have said about me, and Chris asked the question about my dreams. I said I wasn’t going to ask. I wanted to know what they said to each other about themselves and each other, but I wasn’t going to pry there, either. I was incredibly curious, but I wasn’t going to give in to it. I would stay out of the process — which might be another way of controlling it, who knows?

Around the same time, I’d been reading a “privilege checklist” composed about monogamy, and one line in the privilege list resonated: I can depart from most meetings, classes and conversations without feeling fearful, excluded, isolated, attacked, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped or feared because of my relationship orientation.

I think this is not only a fear poly people have when they leave a mono group, but maybe we also have it about each other. What are the others saying about me? But who ever has the assurance that only wonderful things are being said about them after they walk out of the room? You could say the difference is that these things aren’t being said based on relationship orientation. But because there are so many different approaches to poly, and because some are in poly/mono relationships, that difference can also be a source of misunderstanding, stereotyping, etc. “He’s not really polyamorous — he’s just a swinger who wants to fool around, don’t you see?” I have heard that leveled.

If you’re not familiar with the privilege checklist concept, here’s the original essay by Peggy McIntosh that started it all, “Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack.” Here are a few of the points on the list of white privilege, to give you the flavor:

• If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.
• I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.
• I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
• I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.
• When I am told about our national heritage or about “civilization,” I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.
• I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

Makes you wanna holler, doesn’t it? Thing is, it makes some people wanna holler about how “that’s not true!” and “I don’t have any special privileges!” and “You want special privileges I don’t get!” etc. Privilege talk is crazy-divisive — bring it up sometime if you really want to clear the room or rile it up.

For myself, I get bored if my perspective and assumptions aren’t blown open every so often. It’s interesting to see things from another person’s point of view, test yourself against it, steer yourself into a new way of approaching life. Why else do you read or watch anything? And more importantly, why have any relationships if not for that intimate, exciting opportunity to see life the way someone else does, to really know someone? To show them the way you see it? Sure, I guess a hetero, vanilla, mono, cis, Christian, BMI-approved couple with similar privilege lists could skip along hand-in-hand down Main Street locked into the unbearable whiteness of being until kingdom does indeed come, but those types of matchups are increasingly hard to find outside of a Utah desert compound or a Teabagger Party rally.

And I bet most of them are lying to somebody, anyhow.

There’s also a really good body size or “thin privilege” checklist here.

It can be easy to see in some areas, but it gets a little trickier when it comes to polyamory, I think mostly because of the ambiguity of the legal rights issues and the uncertainty over whether it’s an orientation or a choice.

Anita Wagner has also written about monogamous privilege on her Practical Polyamory blog. It’s a little old, but this is the kind of stuff that never seems to really go away.

This blog has a running collection of privilege checklists and privilege writing. There’s a very funny entry on it called “The Aut Rapture” that I enjoyed reading — about how people with autism appear to simply “disappear” after age 18.

I think a vital skill in any kind of relationship, poly or not, is to be able to see ourselves as others see us, at least from time to time. And that requires information. Maybe I should have milked the guys for what they have to say about me. But I didn’t want their talk to be all about me. I wanted them to talk about themselves and each other.

But who says I get to dictate what they talk about, when they talk, how they interact at all? Maybe I should create for myself a ‘V privilege checklist’. The top entry could go like this: “I have the assurance that I will be sought after, and so I can set the agenda for those who love me.”

That reality is an elephant in the room. It’s something I don’t want to even admit to myself — it feels unfair, egotistical and frankly hard to believe. And that’s exactly the kind of privilege I don’t want. This is what I don’t want to do to people I love. I got into this to create more freedom and space, not less. So the next step becomes: How do you lose privilege? I’ll take ideas. Tell me what to do, huh?

Anyway, before you get to reading any of the privilege lists, you might want to check out the caveat at the top of this one. It’s the material in bold. This gives you the way to approach these lists, so you don’t waste a lot of time making snarky comments here on Planet Waves about “Oh, boy, let’s start the Oppression Olympics!” and “Poly is not an orientation, not like being gay!” and “Does everyone want a special victim badge nowadays?” and “Well I’VE never gotten anything special out of being monogamous/white/right-handed so this MUST be wrong,” etc.

Uh-oh. I’m trying to control your reactions again. Please excuse me. You can say whatever you want in the comments here, always. I might snark, but I won’t stop you. Only Eric and Amanda have that privilege.

But it’s still a really good thing to read and it’s only a paragraph.