Today is Tuesday, November 29, 2011. The Moon moves into Aquarius just after 2 am EST. This is a mental and detached placement for the Moon. This benefits those who need a little distance on their feelings, but most are distant enough.
That said, the sky’s emphasis is still on Sagittarius and Capricorn — and the aspects being made that involve those signs. One of the most prominent developments is Venus newly in Capricorn, which brings Venus into the Uranus-Pluto square. Venus first made a square to Uranus in Aries, and then makes a conjunction to Pluto in Capricorn on Thursday, so it becomes a focal point of how the square is expressed in the physical world.
This aspect structure is bringing to our attention questions regarding the power of change (Uranus and Pluto) versus the power of tradition (Capricorn), freedom versus intimacy, and the strange devaluing of intelligence in today’s world — and where that leaves intelligent, self-directed women (Venus in Capricorn). Venus can also represent deeply held values, and so on some level potentially represents everyone.
We often refer to the Uranus-Pluto square as being a single, unified force pushing for change right now. But it may be helpful to break it down a little, in terms of how Venus is interacting with these planets. True, Uranus and Pluto are only about six degrees from an exact square, but that means that technically Venus engages first with Uranus (square), and then with Pluto (conjunction). Uranus is the part of the revolutionary aspect that shouts, “Oh, something new! I want something new!” It points out the need, or it provides an idea, but that itself does not necessarily lead to lasting change. Pluto acts as the enforcer. It says, “I really have to change to do this new thing.” Pluto calls for nothing less than full commitment and the necessary evolution that true commitment brings.
Venus in Capricorn is infused with tradition: both the sign and the planet have strong ties to this concept. Venus also has a strong sense of values and relationship. At first glance, this combination of values, relationship and tradition meeting up with “something new!” and “commit to change!” clearly says we’re in a position to shake up our ideas (and practice) when it comes to traditional relationship values. This aspect seems to be saying that society does not change — individuals do, and that adds up to something bigger.
In this process of being shaken up, we need to remember that something is lost when we discard traditions. That’s partly why we cling to them — there are other reasons of course, but that is one. This sense of loss can be accompanied by fear and grief; of time passing; of the unfamiliar approaching us too fast. The transitions we’re in call for awareness if we’re to enjoy any new-found authenticity without regret, guilt or feeling outcast. The idea is not to flip our beliefs wholesale, but rather to allow this energy of change to help us become conscious of the various shades of tradition and how it evolves, and choose carefully. We have an opportunity to question, to look with fresh eyes, to consider what has genuine value and can be carried forward. In proceeding consciously, we have a chance to let go of what does not serve us in ways that leave us on solid footing.
In the comments to yesterday’s post, this need for conscious questioning came up with regard to language. Due to some classic Mercury retrograde miscommunication, the decree ‘get laid’ was misinterpreted as a clear astrological mandate (astrology is never that clear, and each interpretation has alternative viewpoints and perspectives depending on who you are).
The call to honest, direct sexual and relational dealings was on point, as was the calling to honestly admit desire — and some have been experiencing the vivid hormone-stirring power of Venus-Uranus-Pluto. When that happens, it’s healthy to carefully examine the assumptions and conflicted interests in the phrase ‘get laid’, and indeed all sexual euphemisms. Then we can start to dismantle the ways we unconsciously undermine the very relational experiences we desire, and use language to facilitate clear sexual sharing.
Along those lines, society tends to pit freedom and intimacy or commitment against each other when it comes to traditional sexual relationships. Strangely, freedom and intimacy are not at odds with each other. Rather, freedom and intimacy need each other in order to be actualized; they feed each other. Since freedom is a result of honest intimacy, and true intimacy allows comes from a choice and also one freedom to be oneself, any revolt coming from the Venus-Pluto conjunction would burn through anything that isn’t authentic. It’s a bold call to embody your true values and feelings regardless of any tradition or image you think you might be expected to uphold.
But what happens when being authentic means being an intelligent, powerful woman? Venus-Pluto in Capricorn illustrates that question.
We asked our readers on Facebook for some input on this dynamic. One reader described her experience as a female electrical engineer — the difficulty in finding people to talk to who, in general, do not disappoint her with how little they understand. Specifically, though, she mentioned what a challenge it is to find a man to whom she can allow herself to surrender fully — to allow him to take the lead and be ‘the guy’. She’s concerned she’ll be too patronizing or too much of a ‘mommy’ because of her technical aptitude.
In one sense, this is an example of how deeply women can internalize the idea that any competent, decisive actions taken will automatically be demeaning to the other — especially an other of opposite gender. It’s a kind of reinforcement we often don’t know we’re perpetrating, because there may not seem to be any options — even if the main problem, in this case, is on the part of an insecure man.
But what about this desire to ‘surrender fully’ to a man, to let him be ‘the guy’? This seems a knife’s edge. On the one hand, how much does this speak to unquestioned stereotypes, cultural brainwashing, unexamined family expectations and not being fully self-actualized? And how much does it speak to authentic emotions? It’s not that simple or black and white or ‘feminist’. It’s plausible that there can be — and many people desire — to have a balance between embodying strength fully and having space to surrender emotionally. It seems to come back to our need to consciously consider language, tradition and authenticity in out sexual and relational exchanges.
After all, true freedom and true intimacy, strangely enough, both seem to require a certain amount of actual surrender. It just may not be the kind of surrender we’re conditioned to imagine. It’s not about being swept off our feet as we swoon; it’s not about having someone take over rather than collaborate. It’s more about stepping up to the opportunities to be real, and welcoming others who meet us in that space. And yes, Venus in Capricorn engaging Uranus and Pluto is a mandate for individual change.
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Jude, thank you for distilling into words the shadows of what I was trying to express. Yes, I, too scare the beyeesuss out of the natives, even though I have been in my “Pea Patch” (actually we used to call it Dogpatch or Peyton Place) for thirty-five of the last fifty years. I have an assertive personality that was honed in law school, though after thirty-five years of private practice, I have mellowed. Or so I’m told. Perhaps it is just the effects of the Second Saturn Return. For my 20th high school reunion, the tag line next to my bio info was “Before I used to an ordinary bitch, then I went to law school. Now I’m a professional bitch and people pay me for it.” I use the term “bitch” in a good sense, and don’t consider it a bad thing when someone calls me that. Hey, I have worked at that for years.
I have a companion friend who at one time perhaps wanted more from the relationship, but he was way too “needy” in the sense that he was, and often still is subject to fits of “Noah’s Ark Syndrome” – the belief that everything must come in pairs. {Love that description learned from a favorite law school professor.) Not necessarily an intensely intimate relationship, but one that is familiar.
I agree that now decisions can be made about relationship and intimacy that aren’t physically driven, and it is very freeing. When that freedom is combined with an asexual/non-sexual attitude (though not necessarily non-sensual), there is more possibility for open and honest relationships of all kinds.
Complementary or complimentary relationship? Either way can be beneficial, though unfortunately either has a connotation of incompleteness or inadequacy. {This is about the time that Eric is screaming at the computer screen that we need to change the language.)
Ultimately, in one sense, the implied maturation of aging carries with it a need to connect in other ways. What a great time to realize that as the universe is compelling us to recognize that we are one. I am reminded of the words of Florida Scott-Maxwell, a Jungian psychologist, who wrote that we long to know and be known by another. (Can’t find the exact quote at the moment, but am on a mission to do so.)
Thanks to all for the conversation. It is incredibly assuring and affirming.
JannKinz
Thanks Judith for adding wise words to this discussion! I enjoy everyone’s points so very much.
“As to sex itself, and the ability to yield to another, it seems to me that life itself is sexual, so every relationship we have is sexual in some vital way.”
This is so true, and yes, I’ve learned much from my friends and family even when it sucked. But, I do say that sexual healing is on the agenda. And not anymore by myself. I’ve come from a period of isolation when all I had was myself, and it was fine! Even recently, my resolving guilt around self pleasure is tantamount to healing every aspect of my psyche, I’ve done good work. My desire to be sexual with a woman is built on my ability to be real and honest with myself first as a healthy individual man. I make those choices out of the need to grow and expand my energy systems in genuine love. I’m probably flipside to most in that I’m just becoming sexually active in my later 30’s. I’ve spent a lot of years transmuting that energy into creative outlets, and now I want to nourish that energy in a directly sexual experience so that no part of me is isolated or unattended. I don’t search for completion in another. I am working with an evolving and expanding Me in this Now, and nourishing this fully is concurrent with being connected with others and the planet and the universe that is asking to be connected to me. My surrender is the surrender to allowing this to fully manifest in all its healing and abundant experiences.
Keepin’ the love-a-flowin’ 🙂
HS
This is a fascinating conversation and one that could go on for months. Trying to distill much into just a few words is futile but I’ve appreciated the comments here, and our community willingness to open this huge topic. Zero, we seem to be on the same page but I think that’s because I’m Sag on the cusp of Scorp, Moon in Leo, Cappy rising — too many commonalities not to resonate. In the little pond in which I live, I’ve been told (again and again) that I scare the crap out of the natives, especially the males. I’ve come to accept that my directness, and my Venus in Scorp intensity, is the culprit there. Most people don’t want to work that hard
As to sex itself, and the ability to yield to another, it seems to me that life itself is sexual, so every relationship we have is sexual in some vital way. And because it’s everywhere, we often mistake that energy, feel we must act on it, which makes a lot of unnecessary relationship mess. I make this reflection having been pushed around by my endocrine system for most of my life and, once it settled into dormancy, suddenly regaining sanity. Not that my earlier personal history wasn’t grand, of course, but now I can make decisions about intimacy that aren’t physically driven. That’s the Get Out Of Jail Free card — if you’re not there yet, you have something to look forward to.
I have found that it’s much easier to appreciate my own mix of energy coming from a place of inner peace and calm, hence security. When we think we aren’t complete WITHOUT the Other, reflecting us to ourselves, it’s much harder to find our emotional footing.
I have a “consort,” if you will, in the Pea Patch, although I consider myself happily single as does he. As he is older than am I, and has some disabilities to contend with, we don’t “do it” as it were. We are affectionate and devoted to one another, but we are not genital — as opposed to sexual. We are sexual and/or sensual on lots of levels; just not below the belt. As I have told people over the years who have questioned how I lived for a decade, unmated: I’m a big girl and know how to take care of myself. So my connection now is just another variation on how relationship looks and I wouldn’t have missed this one — a dharmic one — for a zillion rock hard body’s.
I think if we’re to get a working relationship with sexuality, like everything else, we need to make it a much broader concept. Then maybe we’d stop telling one another how all this HAS to be and a lot of wars would grind to a halt. Maybe — just sayin’.
Carrie, a very big hug to you. 🙂
“Here I am trying to share a conversation in intimate relationships, and I have yet to be in one.”
{{{HS}}} Just a thought but intimate doesn’t always include sexual. I have intimate (meaning close and loving but not sexual) relationships with my friends and these are amazingly complex. I have a feeling you have lots of close relationships from which you draw your insights. And sometimes, not being in the woods (not being in sexually intimate relationships) but on the hill above allows a valuable perspective. I love your insights so please keep bringing them to PW.
And yes, I have those insecure moments too. Lots of them, so it isn’t a failing on your part to have them; it is part of our human condition.
thanks aword! Hugs right back atchya!
oh dear Carrie! no not all! I just felt a pang of insecurity. Here I am trying to share a conversation in intimate relationships, and I have yet to be in one. Maybe what I share is naive, maybe it’s also free of baggage. Sometimes I’m just hard on myself.
Peace and Love,
HS
“The plain truth is that I am full of shit.”
HS,
Did I say something to offend you or make you feel uncomfortable? I hope not. My post was in answer to Eric’s FB request (and here too) to talk about intelligent women who feel discrimination and how that affects their sexuality and so on. I was not addressing anyone here at PW; just ruminating and sharing what it has been like for me.
Many Hugs here for you Hugging!! Of course!! Whenever you need more just know that they are forever available to you. With Love!
Jann/zerosity….I’ve long envisioned being a “Solitary” — many long decades from now (I’ve work to do with other people for now) — and look forward to that time when it comes. I appreciate you giving that time-of-life a name and I will hold space for it for myself and cherish this moment when you have made it more solid.
Thank you.
thanks zerosity/JannKinz, thank you for picking me up off the floor. I appreciate your words of support.
There is a certain freedom in being asexual or non-sexual. Part of the freedom is the ability (permission?) to be intelligent and not hide it. I don’t flaunt my intelligence, but it is part of me and very much part of who I am. It scares many. (Or maybe it’s just the me that is a Scorpio on the cusp of Sag, with a Leo moon and Virgo rising?? Not to mention the Venus Saturn conjunction in Libra…)
So, it non-sexuality one of choice or one imposed upon me by age and circumstances? All of the above. Like others who have commented these past two days, I had a very active sex life earlier in life. I was widowed almost thirty years ago and have not remarried, though I have had a few relationships since.
I am now gleefully post-menopausal, a full fledged crone of several years. I am a professional in a small town. (When I was in my twenties, I often said if I borrowed my father’s car overnight, the local gossips would accuse us of incest.) Choices for sexual partners and meaningful relationships are slim, and opportunities for sex few. So be it.
I often describe myself as a “solitary” – a person who lives alone but isn’t lonely. There also is a certain freedom in living a solitary life. Some may perceive of it as selfish, but that isn’t necessarily so. Many of us spend our time in “study and service.” Sometimes that service is to the detriment of our own personal lives and relationships.
But, what is “relationship”? Its varieties and forms are numerous. Just because I haven’t experienced all types of relationships, just because I have not yet explored polyamory or a gay relationship does not necessarily mean I am deprived or full of shit. I say this not as throwing a gauntlet down to the PW community (which is awesome and intelligent and challenging and now a part of my daily solitary existence). Instead it is in contrast to Hugging Scorpio’s statement about relationships.
And I choose to quote HS: “Like everything, balance is a flowing principal that exists within us and nature. What every relationship is asking is that that flow is based on being true to ourselves first while playing a complimentary role with another.”
If we are all connected, we are here to complement one another, as in completing the circle of which we are all a part, participating in many ways and many types of relationships.
So, Hugging Scorpio, you aren’t full of shit.
Thanks to all for the great dialogue and sharing these last several days, and most other days.
JannKinz
Hi Carrie,
Thank you for your lovely honesty.
The plain truth is that I am full of shit. I’ve never had a relationship, so I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I have no clue. For a few reasons, I didn’t get the opportunities. Since my early 20’s my life has been spent in study and service, coupled with the inopportune lack of privacy. The past 3 years has seen an intense period of growth and awakening, and I feel truly empowered to restart my life in amazing vital ways. What I wrote is all sincere. Although not based on direct experience beyond my close family and social environments at work, I have drawn those observations from my own initiatives and insights with the motivation to bring genuine healing to myself and others both intimately and socially. I have done a lot of work leaving behind a ton of baggage. Hopefully this has made way for meaningful and honest relationships to emerge in my life. It’s time for me to experience that directly now. Life has a process, and I’m DOING my best.
HS
Over and over again I have felt the discrimination against intelligent women. It happened wherever I worked. If the manager saw how intelligent I was, he or she felt threatened and found ways to undermine me. oing. Every time I left a job (either from being fired or from feeling frustrated by the discrimination I experienced) they had to hire three people to do the work I was doing by myself.
In school, I was accused of being “stuck up” because I was smart. Other kids (especially girls) would steal my homework and rip it up. They harassed me, picked on me, called me names and made me realize that I would have to hide my innate intelligence because it wasn’t rewarded. Even teachers would ignore my accomplishments to the point that sometimes another student would point out that I had the highest grade in the class. When the student did, everyone was amazed because I was so quiet and nondescript in order to keep the discrimination at bay.
My older brother used to call unaware people “sheep” way before it was in common usage. The thing is, I reminded him that those so-called “sheep” had some kind of radar that could detect intelligent people like me because despite my own efforts to denigrate myself in front of others (“I read that somewhere”…or “someone told me that”…or “I am not the one that came up with that…”) they seemed to know too often.
I have spent my whole life negating any accomplishments I have made because of my intelligence. I never give myself credit because to do so means I will be seen as (and treated as) “stuck up” or pretentious. It is fine for anyone else to be smart, just not me. Guys around me are always bragging about their smarts and accomplishments but god forbid I take any personal credit for something smart I do. The repercussions are always negative if I do. Women also treat me like crap. I am just too fast, too good at what I do, too enthusiastic, too happy, too energetic, I am just TOO MUCH of everything. A 220 volt person in a 110 volt world.
My own mother really made it a point to make me feel stupid as often as she could even as she would brag about how smart I am. She would never believe me if I told her something I learned, found, realized, or noticed. She would argue loudly and long against my flashes of intelligence to the point that I doubted myself for a long time.
My husband is the first male I have ever met who values my intelligence and is not threatened by it. He actually encourages me to be my intelligent self and to take credit for it; he is continually proud of me and my accomplishments and he isn’t afraid to be close to me even when I outshine him. He doesn’t suddenly become “cool” or reserved or withhold affection when I show my intelligence like so many other men have done.
Men seemed more attracted to me when I hid my intelligence. If I seemed too smart, they couldn’t leave fast enough. So I used sex to get men because I realized that they didn’t value my smarts; they just valued my willingness to have sex without strings attached.
Men have been using my sexual drive/power against me forever. They say they want a progressive, sexually mature woman who isn’t afraid to demand what she wants and who initiates sex but the moment I did that, many would slink away and withhold sex from me as though to punish me for being that sexually open. I cannot figure them out. Dave (my husband) says it is based on the male fear of not being able to please me or not being able to remain erect. Really? That’s why they withhold sex from me and act almost disgusted at my desire level? The rejection feels as though they are using me to get back at every woman that rejected them. That must be really satisfying for them to reject me like that. Why don’t they admit to themselves that they are unable to accommodate a sexually powerful woman? Or that they are using me to get back at all the rejecting women?
When I was young and attractive, I was hired for my looks but then fired when I wasn’t willing to flirt with the male boss.
I was fired twice for talking about sex openly, the way the men did. They could talk about their exploits all day but when I did the same they got all disgusted and said they didn’t want to hear about my “sordid sex life.” I was not even as graphic in my descriptions as they were but they were not willing to allow me the same, openly sexual freedom they allowed themselves. They called me “slut’ and “whore” and the women were even worse in their disgust and ostracism.
In essence, I wasn’t allowed to talk about my sexuality or my desires but the males could and did all the time. Both sexes made me feel bad about being a sexual person.
As a strong young woman, I felt I had to be aggressive in trying to get sex but submissive once in the bedroom because men just couldn’t handle me being strong at that point in the encounter. They liked my openness about wanting sex and wanting THEM but when it came to time to actually do the sex, they preferred that I let them take the lead (though I did a lot of participating and touching and moving, not just passively accepting their foreplay). I didn’t mind being submissive but sometimes I felt the hypocrisy I was perpetrating; not being myself because the guys couldn’t seem to handle it.
Between this submissive issue and the fact that so many couldn’t keep up with either my libido or my mental processes, I felt a disappointment deep within me because these guys seemed so oddly over-sensitive and unable to be as strong as I was. I began to see men as weak and less capable than I. I began to resent them for that weakness. I think deep within every woman is that little girl looking for the male to be the big protector she believed her father was but the reality is men don’t measure up to that stereotype.
So I began to set my standards lower because I couldn’t find any men to measure up to my intelligence or strength. Even my current husband isn’t as strong emotionally as I am in many ways. He has never had the libido to match mine and he isn’t as fast a thinker as I am. However, he is deeply intuitive and is able to keep up with me when I talk to him about really intelligent things and concepts so I don’t feel like I am with someone less than I. He is also somehow able to be strong for me when I need it most.
There are things I notice about myself (and have heard from other women). I sometimes wish DH was a little less sensitive and careful of my feelings and a little more the rutting male. I sexually respond to that for some reason but it would have to be within reasonable limits so that I am not feeling used. That is the conundrum women seem to present; be a rutting male and fuck me hard but be smart enough to know when I want that. Right. Poor guys are not mind readers. It is especially difficult because I don’t always know when that kind of desire is going to hit me.
Navigating the sexual and intelligence minefield is difficult.
insightful and educational, as always. Thank you PW, so much.
worth repeating, “freedom and intimacy need each other in order to be actualized; they feed each other. ” Yes. Thank you for those words.
The stories shared here today are wonderful in their sharing. Thank you.
Methinks I’ve never “surrendered” sexually to anyone — except myself. Perhaps my sexuality is one place I have always been “Safe” despite early childhood – and lifelong – abuses. No one has invaded my inner self – as there is no one-unchanging path that leads there, no one would be able to find the way. It is my special world in a Labyrinth of labyrinths I suppose! And there is so much joy in the sharing of it, perhaps in part because it is then, unadulterated.
Hm…all of which leaves more to brew on; and such tasty morsels to work with. With natal Mars in Cap (among the astro) I am now better understanding the pervasive what-for-me-are-negative masculine energies that have come my way during life thus far. The transiting moon is currently on natal Venus at zero AQ (as part of multiple yods that include uranus and pluto)…I’m looking forward now to these upcoming transits more and more – there are interesting times afoot to be sure.
Xo and plenty of Gratitude, PW.
Thank you for what has got to be one of the best Daily Astrology blogs ever.
pam: Yes, Jung came to mind for me as well.
Karen: Thank you for a substantial blog of your own. Read every word and none were wasted.
Wonderful article Eric, thanks for bringing out this discussion.
I’m a Scorp with Pluto almost at the same degree as my rising sign Libra. I have Venus in Cap too. I can say that I’m more drawn to ideas of being responsible in matters of sex, that my affection is conveyed in the ways I offer stability, and that I love deeply and passionately. I also feel that I’ve come to a better awareness of my sexuality as a force of individuation now than earlier in my life, which is perhaps also a trait of Venus in Cap (I also have Venus opposed with Saturn – Cap’s ruler – in Cancer, which perhaps presses this point deeper).
So, what I’d like to say is, Venus/Pluto in Cap makes for an intense female energy, but I don’t see it as needing anyone else to step up to the plate anymore than usual. Like everything, balance is a flowing principal that exists within us and nature. What every relationship is asking is that that flow is based on being true to ourselves first while playing a complimentary role with another.
HS
Hello EF, (this has turned into a pretty long ramble that is still just skimming the surface-no probs if you don’t have time to read it…in fact, I realise I’ve done this loads)
hope all’s fine with you amidst these crazy times. Really sorry I haven’t had more to contribute about Occupy LSX but have surprised myself even with my keeping in the shadows over the past few weeks. Really feel the need to be as grounded as I can and this has involved holding back for the time being…not for much longer though…furthermore, there’ll be nationwide strikes and demos on Wednesday…
I’m still in the process of getting some ideas compiled and sent to you but have had ongoing obstacles to contend with including my computer crashing and loosing a lot of work…however, I just spotted your request on facebook about subduing intelligence etc…funny as just last week this very conversation cropped up. I was having a random drink with a very good female friend of mine and she brought along her new boyfriend who has been a mutual friend of ours for years now. He was describing an ex-girlfriend of his who he couldn’t get as she was so incredibly beautiful and clever yet when in situations with new people or groups, she would play completely dumb. My female friend and I laughed and gave each other a knowing look as we understood why and have had many conversations about it in the past and continued to do so that night too.
Emily is an absolutley dynamic being and has just spent her late-teens and twenties fitting into a ‘stupid bracket’ and playing the beautiful fool. She grew up finding it easier to be accepted by others by hiding her intelliegence as that seemed to play the role of added threat to relationships. ( I think the fear aspect of failure has played a role as well but it’s mainly about not wanting to step on someone’s shoes) She’s now in her final year of an anthropology degree and finally admitting to herself and those around her that having a brain and using it is great! And she can still be beautiful and fun etc, if not even more so. It’ll be interesting to see what she does next
It is a strangely massive challenge to be all of these things at once, especially as a woman. The bitchiness and competitiveness is horrid. People’s insecurities seem to get illuminated. Men seem to get away with it more, abit like that ‘stud/slag’ difference when it comes to sexual reputation. A man who ticks all the boxes is deemed incredible whereas for a woman, she becomes scary or mistrustful; too good to be true…tis making me think of witch hunts now…I could so easily go on but it’s late and I have to prepare for a live radio broadcast tomorrow…!!!…and you go to print as well…
There’s seems to be such heavy social conditioning in place and it can be tough working out how to fit into sytems, structures and reasoning that you just don’t see eye to eye with.
I’ve always struggled with the balance between brains and beauty and opted the other way and spent most of my life playing down my beauty instead. Actually, I’ve yo-yo-ed. I’ve probably played down my brains just as much. As a young child, ‘the authorities’ said I would never walk or talk again properly and that brain was irreversibly damaged. However, my Mum and Dad refused to settle with this notion, continued to raise me and within a few years I’d passed the ‘Kent Test’ with a score of 99% which took me to grammar school. Whilst there, my intelligence became undermined (my hometown Folkestone has a very strong east-west/poor-rich divide; I came from the east and the school was in the west…) though fortunately continued to develop. By the time I was 12, I rebelled but I always knew that learning was good so I kept up my homework (this also meant that I could go out of an evening and go to school the next day and get one-up as such by handing in the work and holding up a metaphorical finger as it was expected of me to f*** up). I guess then my looks out-weighed my brains but there was a vital element missing and this was confidence. Going out after school meant I mixed with lots of other kids outside, including one of the hottest blokes form the boys grammar. We dated for a few months but I couldn’t handle it as I just couldn’t understand what he saw in me, when there were so many other girls who I considered to be better than me. Years later we bumped into each other and went for a drink and it was there that learnt how besotted he’d been with me.
It wasn’t until I was at least 28 that I really started to like myself and now at the age of 34, I’m just starting to really find some confidence. Over the past few months (and years), I’ve slowly been adjusting myself to the potential that I hold and embracing the idea of fully being as much of me as I can possibly be. Writing this now, memories are flowing and one being of when I was at infant or primary school and playing a skipping game in the playground. There was a row of us girls skipping arm in arm whilst singing a song which finished with a little lift of our skirts and an ‘ooh la la’ or something. I was reprimanded for it and I think my Mum called in as my behaviour was branded as too naughty and suggestive. I think most, if not all of my self-confidence and esteem had been extracted from me by the time I hit my teens. Coinciding then with starting to make sense of so much nonsense, ie, what and how we are taught at school in comparison to the actualities of life outside the gates. ‘Drugs are bad yet all the cool people do them’. ‘Violence is bad but war is ok’. ‘Religious Education’. ‘You should save yourself until marriage even if it will probably end up in divorce’.
In 2001, I got a really short hair and cut and bleached it. The next few months were some of the most transitional for me ever. People’s perceptions were hilarous…’blond babe therefore stupid’…not!!! I then moved to Greece to teach English as a foreign language and was instantly bracketed as being a Russian prostitute…not!!! Come to think it, whilst I was doing my TEFL course, we had to work in groups and then assess each other. By coincidence, there was a Greek lady in my group and her assessment of me was as follows…’well, at least you’re beautiful, there’ll always be something good to look at in the classroom and people will be more inclined to want to like you’…not a mention of my actual teaching or communicating or anything other than my surface appearance. Something I got kicks out of at this time was the inner chuckles I created on seeing the penny drop and people’s perceptions switching to..’blond babe and not stupid’…sad really. (Like many, I often rely on humour to make light out of otherwise damning scenarios…hence E.R. My Arse…which in itself has raised a lot of issues…)
Over the past couple of years, I started to face up to the idea that I have used drugs and alcohol to dumb myself down further in sociable situations. I really enjoy engaging in conversation. I also really enjoy having a laugh and being silly at times. The core route of me though takes life very seriously and intellectually and a lot of people either aren’t interested or aware enough to want to get involved, thinking instead that careless frivolity is the best way ahead. Eye candy should suffice when out for a laugh and avoid that feminist looking one for fear she may have an opinion kind of attitude.
I guess I’m lucky as most folk who know me recognize my brains and see my beauty. They probably also wonder why I don’t make the most of my assets and am still only just getting by as I do. I will explain it all one day.
A pub that is a bit like my extended family have just accepted me as a bar-person, a role I have heaps of experience in and I enjoy. I was originally the cleaner/out-there-artist. This extended to handy-person and now all of the above but not the full-time cleaner…Something my back is grateful for…here are some words I wrote down on Saturday night after over-hearing a conversation taking place behind me lead by a local bloke who is a known misogynist (more so when too drunk) but ironically alright to banter with provided you avoid raising to many opinions…
overheard a man I know who I consider not an enemy
talking to his mate at the bar about the female sex, those like me
‘they spread like cancer’, he said, ‘always bad’
‘prepared to give their arses before being raped’
‘but the biggest problem about being in them
is that you’d never even know if they’re enjoying it or not’.
the other chap, another I deem not an enemy
simply nodded his head and agreed
and as he hummed, ‘mmm’, I gently lifted my bum and walked away.
for I think at times like these, silence is my closest ally
then whip pen to paper and retrace the words
you never know, i may even be heard
Thank you Eric and co, everything I read in Planetwaves resonates with and helps makes sense of the experiences of this life. The recent topics of personal/sexual revolution and the stripping of guilt and previous to that about the 60’s when so much changed but then actually remained the same and with any luck, now we get to re-write the practice and the theory…ding dong, I love it!…and the rest!
It is a difficult one. If you think of women (finally) taking everything in as her power and energy, and the masuline going out/into with the meat of who he is. And that our menfolk often lack the rituals and watersheds that create or signify manhood. I know the time no man stepped up to the plate and I took a masculine initiative I hurt myself badly at a feminine level. So there is a difference, or limits, or ways of doing things. Somewhere, somehow. And when do women get to be gentle and giving (that gives back to them) in our modern world of efficiency and pressure
I found alot in the anima animus discussions of Jung,of integration (individuation). But there are other ways…
Glad to read this page today…
Another wonderful piece… I can always count on you to affirm my gut feelings.