by Maria Padhila
Tonight, my daughter told me that I look like Alicia Silverstone. It’s not just that she had her love goggles on. We were looking at a website of photos of Celebrities Without Makeup — gasp! — that I’d found by chance, and I called her over to see what models and actresses really look like. She commented a lot on how the women looked angry sometimes, putting words in their mouths: “Why do they have to try to take my picture when I’m just TRYING to walk my DOG?!?” We talked about photos invading privacy, and how you could change photos using the computer, and how most of the pictures she saw were fixed up. Some of her favorites — Vanessa Hudgens, Miley Cyrus and Princess Arwen (Liv Tyler) — she declared to be much prettier without makeup. And then she saw Alicia and said she looked like me.

Well, I’m really more Hillary Swank, with a lot more nose and jaw. And scars. And wrinkles.
I came face to face with the looks issue at a recent hot tub and potluck gathering of poly women. They were talking about a recent “Law and Order” episode that involved swinging and poly in the plotline, and laughing about how everyone in the club was hot and in great shape. Very close to reality, yes? No. The women at the gathering were all shapes and sizes and ages. Like most Americans, a high percentage of them were larger than the magazine norm. Yet they all had the nerve to claim the sexuality they wanted, despite not looking like the porn star or TV ideal.
At almost 50, I’ve definitely been guilty of thinking I didn’t want to get out there and try for what I wanted until I looked the way I’m ‘supposed’ to look. Are you waiting, too? Why?
I’m thin and have an athletic shape, because I’m a distance runner and addicted to Bikram yoga. I do this, and eat carefully, because it means I can avoid depression and other health disorders I’m prone to and avoid medication. But I could use more solid abs, a boob job, dermabrasion, botox. Can’t afford a bit of it, and it scares me anyway.
I’m definitely trading up when it comes to both my men. They’re handsome and fit and younger than I am. How did I get away with this, in a world where women are supposed to be perfect, where TV shows are full of ‘loveable’ schlubs hooked up with beautiful, hot women?
Just lucky, I guess. My husband, Issac, likes older women, thank goodness. His physical ideal, however, is not so much like me: a smaller woman with short blonde hair (currently embodied in one of our yoga teachers, whom he has a little crush on but whom we’d never approach–not cool!) Chris, my Other Significant Other, has wide-ranging tastes physically but hews pretty closely to what I would describe as typical Playboy American with an overlay of European/indy movie actress — also not like me.
But I’m still curious about meeting a nice woman for myself, so I headed out to the women’s gathering. If you’re polycurious, and you don’t think there’s a similar group in your area, you’re probably in for a surprise. Search Google, search Meetup. Just put your zip code and the word “poly” in the search on Meetup. Check that the group respects anonymity, and you’re off. The poly networking group in our region also has a women-only group. I think this is a good idea, as would be a men’s group. I know every group that segregates by ‘gender’ can run into some gender identification, genderqueer and fluid gender issues, but as long as people are up for talking and being basically polite, decent people who take others as they come, this doesn’t have to be a problem. Maybe I’m naive, but it seems to work so far in the group I attend. There are some genderqueer people who identify primarily as women in the group. No one seems to worry that ‘men’ are sneaking in.
In my explorations, I come up against my own biases and blocks. I am facing feminist guilt over the fact that I have a physical ‘type’ in women I like. If I were a good feminist — hell, even an enlightened person — I would not care about the outside. I really like real strawberry blondes, but the color of hair or skin isn’t the most important thing to me. The biggest attraction physically for me is a certain body type — lanky and willowy.
“I’ve always liked curvier women than you do,” says my best friend, talking about maybe introducing me to someone. “So she might not be right.” She doesn’t say, as others have, that maybe I’m just looking for a woman who looks like a man. If you’ve ever looked at a willowy woman close up, you’ll know for damn sure that she looks nothing like a man. Big boobs do not make the woman, friends!
“Maybe if you could just let yourself relax into that kind of energy for a while, that giving, maternal energy, you’d really like it,” my friend says. “It may be coming to you now because that’s what you need.”
I do wonder if I’m looking for a mirror image — which disturbs me, so that means it’s something I should investigate. But I don’t really like my own looks much. I hate having my picture taken, and even avoid much mirror time.
Talking honestly about size — apart from that tired script about how one has to lose this or fix that (see above for example) — is taboo among women in general, certainly among Pagans, and seems to be so among polyamorists as well, though it’s more talked about in the fetish and BDSM communities (which I’m not part of but know tangentially through friends). “When I see a large woman, I still see pain,” I tell my friend. “I see someone who gives and gives and gives to everyone, and thinks no one will give to her, so she has to give food to herself.”
I know this is mirror talk — the way I’ve felt when I’ve tried to use food as an addictive substance in the past. It didn’t work; it just made me sick. My body isn’t set up to be able to get too large.
I also know that people can be large and fit. As a runner, I’ve been passed by enough larger women at enough races to know many large women are in better shape overall than I am. And you’re not supposed to notice different abilities in yoga, but it’s hard not to see when someone is more flexible, balanced or stronger than many in the class are — and often that someone doing the hardest poses is larger.
I am convinced also that overweight has environmental causes, and often has nothing to do with psychology and definitely nothing to do with character or strength of will. With mainstream medicine finally beginning to admit to the presence and effect of endocrine disrupters in the world’s waters, perhaps they’ll cop to the effect this is having on our bodies, instead of using the convenient scapegoat of blaming weight on character disorders (“lack of discipline or control”).
The social factors are enormous as well — most of us are chained to the office chair or the hospital floor or the day-care center, women in pink-collar jobs most of all. Good food and time to exercise and freedom from stress is a luxury. And even people who can afford these things haven’t woken up to the fact that they could walk or run instead of shop, make themselves feel better through their breath alone, instead of a quick consumer fix.
But I’m not so ignorant that I don’t realize that for many women, being large is not an illness but a choice, a heritage, natural. They enjoy sensual pleasure in all forms, and I salute that confidence.
I myself have a chronic disorder that may make me less attractive to some. Ironically, it’s one that wasn’t diagnosed for much of my life, because one of the symptoms is being overweight, and I’m not, so doctors discounted it out of hand. Polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS causes pain, infertility, acne and hair on the face. All but the latter I treat with diet, herbs and acupuncture. That last symptom gets waxed and lasered. I’m lucky that it’s mild and that I was able to get pregnant and have a child, but still, my face has scars and marks. It makes me reluctant to put myself out there. I don’t feel attractive in the least. Yet here I am, with two loves.
The poly and many lesbian women I’ve met seem to have shed a lot of this. Of anyone, they are the least downtrodden with the world’s demands that one be attractive according to conventional, current standards. The message is that you can be large or small or genderqueer or look like you walked off the set of a soap opera; you still have the right to try for the kind of sex and love you want.
It’s a radical act for any woman to claim her sexuality openly, more so for a woman who doesn’t fit the mold of conventional attractiveness in some way. I’ve experienced being overlooked and ignored by men when I’ve been either “too bony” from heavy running training, or “too hippy,” just another plump mommy on the playground, never a sexual being, after my daughter was born. The revolution lies in declaring that you’re beautiful and sexy whether or not someone in particular or someone in ‘power’ is looking and affirming. It’s about not letting someone else be the mirror.
And that radical action, that way of framing the world, does indeed make my heart beat faster when I see you do it — whether or not I want to try to eventually get you into bed.
@KatLyons–
Maybe this is wierd, but I have Saturn (my sun’s ruler) conjunct Pluto on my ascendant, square my sun down there at the bottom of my chart. I’m not so good with minor planets (I know, bad Planetwaver) so I’m not sure about those. I think Vesta is sitting on top of Uranus, trine my Midheaven but don’t take my word for it.
Anyways, I think of the 12th house as a place of my sex organs/endocrine system/lymph stuff…and all those dysfunctions that are really common but medicine doesn’t really understand at all. Things that come and go, seemingly of their own accord, etc. Looking at an ultrasound of ones ovaries, or asking a doctor who did a surgery “What it looks like in there” feels like shining a light on 12th house territory. I’m not sure how it all fits together, but what has worked for me:
I eat as cleanly, simply, and beautifully as I can afford, and I eat meat but very little dairy or soy. I eat wheat and refined grains sometimes, but yes all of that sugar does make me feel bad. I try to keep my blood sugar stable. When I was younger I went off of birth control and after a couple years of that burning off and taking lots of vitamin C things normalized and I got a period every 3 months or so, predictably, which felt like a triumph! I lose weight when I process my feelings, and the same with having a regular period. I also take Vitamin D and probiotics. Did you know most of our hormones aren’t in our brains or ovaries but in our gut? I love that.
Be well, all!
“(((((sigh)))))) yep. I’m that girl. ((((((sigh)))))).
hopefully at least some of you will still be my friend.
((((sigh)))) the good thing is I’m not mean, I’m very nice. …just gotta push through the stereotypes, we do we do!”
Aww SiS, you might be “that girl” but I love you anyway. {{{{SiS}}}} I am not intimidated by those kinds of beautiful women if they are as deeply compassionate and caring as you are. One of my besties is a drop-dead gorgeous woman who makes most women her age (she is 40 something) cringe because she has the figure we all envy and a beautiful face and perfect hair. She is the sweetest person and very kind, loving, and a wonderful friend. Because I didn’t let her beauty scare me off, I got to know the person she is and we are friends. She in turn didn’t turn away from me when I was so huge and fat; she got to know me as well and liked me for me despite the fat.
That’s how friends should be.
Burning: of course we can agree to disagree!
I don’t want to be hanging around Yes people all of the time, that’s ANOTHER reason
people don’t understand me. I really dig hanging around people v. different fr. myself. I learn so much more. which is imp. for someone making their way to the 9th. I like a good mix.
at parties, when I’m invited, I usually head for the most different person/people than myself.
I mean, why else am I there?
luckily that’s pretty easy, being me and all.
wow. ladies, PCOS, thanks, I really didn’t know that much about it. I have great compassion for those with health issues, and every day, I say my blessings of Gratitude for my physical health. been lucky in that arena.
now mental health, well, I cured myself of depression, now working on delusions of Grandeur!
I know, I know, one extreme to the next.
luckydriver: that must be D3, yes? D3 is also a good thing to take for radiation poisoning if you are concerned…and fr. a natural source, right? D2 BTW is synthetic and not as healthy, but it is what you get fr. most conventional doctors.
as for myself, I am sticking to the suns rays. I have an agreement with them, it works nicely in the morning hours.
in terms of my body and its image: well, I work pretty hard at maintaining it at peak health, I am pretty picky about it, and I tend towards being a little vain. yes, yes. I do look at reflections of myself in mirrors a lot, or say, in store windows, coffeetables, car rear view mirrors and such- I constantly like to check out my appearance. ..not too obviously, I’m usually moving, a long glance perhaps,
I’m the annoying person who still has the stupidity to ask “Do I look fat?” while adjusting my jeans into my motorcycle boots, and tossing my mane of hair in a nonchalant but mesmerizing kind of way..in a room full of much larger people.
I know I’m too old for this kind of nonsense, but still- it can be fun.
narcissistic: yes. but I don’t think I’m better than others. not at all.
(((((sigh)))))) yep. I’m that girl. ((((((sigh)))))).
hopefully at least some of you will still be my friend.
((((sigh)))) the good thing is I’m not mean, I’m very nice. …just gotta push through the stereotypes, we do we do!
Burning: (((HUG HUG back at ya! and bless you for your tolerance of me!)))
peace Everyone.
I forgot to write about how too much insulin works. When I eat carbs, my insulin spikes really high which lowers my blood sugar too fast and gives me a headache, makes me hungry, sleepy, lethargic, and shakey. My body’s blood sugar is so low that it craves more sugar so I eat carbs and the whole thing repeats itself. The excess carbs and sugars are turned into fat. Some women’s muscles get resistant to the insulin and they are in danger of getting type II diabetes. I didn’t have that problem so I never got that.
If I don’t eat carbs, my insulin levels remain stable, I don’t feel headaches or hunger, or shaky or lethargic and my blood sugar remains stable as well. So the craving for carbs goes away, the fat drops off, my mood is better as well because I am not constantly tired and hungry.
I did find that as I ate less carbs, my feelings came out a lot more; I was able to feel my feelings more. This is because eating carbs releases the feel-good hormones of contentment which dampen any strong feelings I had. So now I am weepy and feeling EVERYTHING a LOT. Some women get depressed for a while when off carbs, like a drug addict feels depressed while in withdrawal. If you exchange the carbs for something that makes you feel good (sex did it for me) then the depression tends to get less over time. It is ok though because now I KNOW what I am feeling and I act accordingly. This has brought me to change how I deal with people in my life; I have asserted myself with my family so now it isn’t “Mom has no life” anymore.
The no-carbs diet also made my body detox for the first week or so and I had diarrhea for a few days but it stabilized quickly and I felt better than I had in YEARS.
Thank you for writing this article, Maria!
I have been overweight and had the fertility issues as well. I was diagnosed as PCOs way back in the 80’s but it was my own research that found me the answer to my issues. Disclaimer: your issues may vary.
I found that a LOT of women with PCOs should have their fasting Insulin checked. That’s right, fasting INSULIN. Mine was at 29.5, it should be below 10. Insulin is the fat packing hormone. Too much and your body packs on fat and becomes infertile. My three daughters (twins and a singleton) were the result of Pergonal injections (ovulation induction) and and IUI (intrauterine insemination with my husband’s sperm). This was because they didn’t understand about insulin back then
Last May, I weighed 374 lbs and felt sexless, old, motherly and unattractive. I began a special no-carbs diet and lost over 120 lbs in a year. I still have about 80 lbs to go to be at target weight. I found that the less carbs I eat, the less I want them and the weight falls off. My fasting insulin is now at 9, the first time it has been that in my adult life. Everything else was normal (blood pressure, cholesterol, fasting glucose) before I started the diet. Now I eat this way with little thought because I FEEL better when I eat this way. Carbs make me lethargic, dampen my sex drive, and make me fat. They even give me gastric issues (like gas). I liken my carb intoleranced to the same intolerance alcoholics have with alcohol: one serving makes me crave carbs so badly that I act like an addict who cannot stop. I believe the alcoholism gene (which runs in my family on my mother’s side) is the other side of the carb-intolerance gene; I can put away alcohol but not carbs and alcoholics consume a lot of carbs when they stop drinking.
As for feeling attractive, I feel better, have a lot of energy, feel sexier because my husband and I fit better, and smaller but I have traded tons of fat (I lost the equivalent of a whole small person; my oldest daughter weighs 120 lbs) for tons of wrinkles and sagging. My breasts got smaller, my skin hangs on me like those wrinkly shar pei dogs, I STILL have a fat stomach and thighs because I am pear shaped so I look better clothed. My breasts sag and are smaller; this disturbs me because my husband is very much a breast man- the bigger the better for him. I cannot even manage cleavage because of the space between my breasts. My best feature was my pretty face (I was told I was beautiful when I was younger) but now it has wrinkles too; way too many of them. I look old just when I have tons of energy and feel young. That sucks because once again, I feel like my body has betrayed me. When I was really fat, I felt like there was a thin person trapped inside. Now I feel thinner but there’s an even thinner, younger person trapped inside this still-fat, wrinkly and saggy body. Unlike trans-gender persons who at least have the possibility of having surgery to correct their gender issues, there’s not enough surgery to make me look the way I feel.
So I feel unattractive even though I have lost weight. I live in a college town full of younger, firmer, unwrinkled, attractive, larger-breasted females so finding anyone would be pretty intimidating for me. Even if I could get past the issues of harming my kids and husband. It is really a shame that my body won’t match my energy, enthusiasm, compassion, and sexuality. :::sigh::: It is an issue I have to work on every day.
My beautiful daughters sadden me because they complain about their thighs or bellies and I keep telling them that when they are my age, they will look back and wonder why they were so willing to denigrate their very beautiful and young bodies. I tell them to try to think instead of the marvel of their bodies because theirs work, are healthy, are full of energy and promise. But youth never listens to experience; I sure didn’t, to my regret.
Thanks, luckydriver. Great information on Vit. D. for PCOS – I had no idea there was a connection. Also, Burning River – I know what you mean about feeling alone sometimes with so called “bad” aspects. If I understand your meaning, it is also easy for me to get caught up in the “world of agreements,” even in how I think about astrology. In my deepest truth, though, the most challenging aspects have turned out to be gifts in the long run – so far anyway. Time to get out in the garden. Kat
I also have PCOS and thought I would offer up a couple of things that really helped me. I did suffer the weight and infertility issues, and the horrible thing is that when the weight first piled on in my late teens, I was not eating very much. Doctors blamed me for overeating, which was not even remotely the case. This was pretty upsetting, because I could eat one grape a day at that stage and gain weight. No doctor bothered to even try to figure out what was wrong with me, even though my periods were all over the place. At any rate, in my late twenties, I diagnosed myself, went to a gynecologist and demanded an ultrasound. There it was – PCOS!
Here are the most important things that have helped me keep weight off AND have reversed my fertility: diet and vitamin D. I follow the “zone” diet, which is not low-carb, but it does restrict carb somewhat and structures meals with a balance of protein, carb, and fat so that insulin is kept regulated. This allowed me, for the first time in my life, to eat three meals a day (and two snacks!) without gaining weight. Not only that, but I started to get a period every other month on a regular basis, and my cholesterol levels improved radically. I thought that was the best that could happen for me, until a couple of years ago, when I found out I was severely deficient in Vitamin D.
When I was put on a prescription level dose of vitamin D, my whole system changed. I started getting my periods every month like clockwork, which had never EVER happened to me. It turns out that those with PCOS are most often severely deficient in vitamin D, and the vitamin has a significant role to play with insulin and hormone regulation (the PCOS jackpot). Clinical trials are now being done that investigate the role of vitamin D for those with PCOS, and many women are having their symptoms reversed just with increased intake of vitamin D. When my prescription for the D expired, I started on 2,000 IU a day of vitamin D, and that seems to be working great now that my levels are normalized. Most women will need a prescription level dose of vitamin D to start.
Anyway, I just thought I would share all this because doctors tend to want put women with PCOS on hormones or metformin, instead of trying to deal with the underlying cause. Diet and Vitamin D changed my world! I hope this might any other women out there dealing with PCOS.
Thanks for the conversation, maria, cassavia, gwind and kat. Nice to hear your astrolgy, kat. Strangly, I feel not as alone as I hear about your Saturn, Pluto, Nessus, Asbolus placements. Love the sense of fellowship of like – minded ones at PW. Dearest Sadge, we can even agree to disagree, can’t we (((SiS))) HUG to all.
Maria and cassavia.c – I also have PCOS. I recently learned it is the most common of the hormonal reasons for weight issues. After a lifetime of wondering if I was in total denial about why I was overweight, it was quite a relief when I found out that for my age, height, activity level and weight, I should be able to eat a diet of about 1,800 calories a day. But because of PCOS, I gain weight if I go over 1,300 calories, and even then, if have too many carbs, I gain weight. Using EFT and The Work of Byron Katie, I have ben abe to achieve and maintain a healthy and stable weight for the last few years, for which I am grateful. I also had the other issues around “beauty” for much of my life for all the obvious PCOS reasons. (I use epilation for hair)
Here is the thing, though, my mother was a model, who was (and in her 80’s) is still obsessed about her appearence. I consider PCOS as one of the great gifts of my life (though painful at first), because it helped me to question so much about appearence, sexuality, etc. (Like Maria, I also feel fortunate that I was able to get pregnant due to an “apparent” fluke – I don’t believe in real flukes.)
What astrological markers do you attribute PCOS to? I have Nessus10/Sun11/N.Node14/Mercury15 Taurus (4th) square Pluto12/Saturn15 Leo 8th which should be enough:) This configuration makes sense to me because PCOS is inherited from the paternal line, even though its symptoms are expressed in females.
I also have Uranus23/Vensu26/Desc27/Asbolus29 Gem – opposite Asc27/Jupiter28 Sag. (I didn’t know about Nessus and Asbolus until Eric’s article yesterday) Having Pluto grinding (thankfully) over my ascendent the past few years, then with Uranus/Saturn’subsequent sqaure to the whole mess, too, has offered the opportunity to begin a disidentificaiton with “my” body at all. AND, I do all of the woman things – I love good fabrics, beautiful clothes, etc. (I am a Taurus after all)
I just listened to Eric’s Taurus 2011 Birthday report, and he was right on – I am now on the edge of the end of a lifetime of identifyng with, as Don Juan called, “the world of agreements.” Not just about body image, etc., but also, the hidden rules of the roles are beginning to reveal themselves and fall away.
For instance, it came as a nice surpise to wake up to the truth that I am not a “mother” AT ALL. I love the adult 28 y.o. man who is my “son”, though that isn’t true either. His body came through my body – but neither of us is our body. I love him and am happy to lightly play the role of mother to whatever degree he likes and is an honest fit for me. But, we a utterly free spiritual beings. I love getting to know him and me as the belief and role layers begin to drop off. In the process, I have become deeply curious about my son and my husband, especially. Who are these beings I have projected onto for so long? Who are they to themselves? What a gift!. Kat
Wow. Thank you so much for this honest account. I can identify with so much of what you’re saying, and hearing someone address PCOS as a part of everything is refreshing- I have it too and the hormonal imbalances many of us struggle with (PCOS, environmental, or otherwise) is a constant presence. Thank you again.
Great articles today! Inspired, I had to write. Maria, again, thanks for the peek into your world. I find you authentic and your writing style intriguing, as well as educational. I think it was Stellium in Sag mentioned in another post that she doesn’t identify with other women. I have had similar feelings, so when someone speaks from their heart, I am appreciative. Personally, I would rather have a root canal than go to a wedding or baby shower or whatever else the stereotype of female bonding entails. I have been that way all my life.
What do you consider attractive? You mention that you do not see yourself as attractive, so I am curious as to what the word means to you.
If you do not feel attractive and the description of your life and loves indicate otherwise, what does this mean?
I think you are addressing very important issues that women are facing, of all ages. I hope that people share their thoughts on their own attractiveness. I am interested.
I think of most everyone as an “7 or 8”. I know that sounds weird, but I can usually find something intriguing or interesting in someone’s appearance. But it usually changes for me when they speak. Rarely do I meet a 10 or even a 9, because it has nothing to do with their looks. I base my attraction to them on how they “feel” to me. When it comes to women, if they appear to spend a great deal of time covering up who they are, I get nervous. I don’t want to be there. It takes too much effort for me to engage beyond niceties. I fear that that they will eat me up in some strange game that I don’t know the rules. I don’t “get” them and they surely don’t get me.
I am hoping that your mirror image woman will blow you away, because maybe you will see the parts of yourself that you already love.