I am someone who tends to load up ‘big’ astrological events with fears of not doing ‘enough’ or not getting it ‘right’ or being so far behind in growth and preparation and awareness that ‘it’ will pass me by, leaving me hopelessly un-evolved and running to play a futile game of catch-up for the rest of my days.
It’s not as bad as it was a few short years ago, for sure. But the tendency still haunts me. Even something like the solstice — with its theme of slowing down and turning inward — can sometimes feel impossible to appreciate ‘right’. I’ve found myself this year torn more than usual between the holiday parties, family obligations, work and art (or even just the ideas of those things) versus simply wanting to hibernate and trim my tree in solitude and attempt to honor the day with some sort of ‘serious’ meditation ‘ritual’. (I can’t seem to get the hang of meditation the way I imagine it’s ‘supposed’ to be; there I go again.)
Mainly, though, I have found myself wishing for some simple, special, spontaneous moment of presence and peace and connection. They are rare enough for me that they stand out vividly when I realize I’m having one. Specifically, I am craving an experience like the one I had two years ago. I’m sure this urge to have something as it was in the past is a big obstacle in experiencing fully whatever this solstice is offering.
Still, I dug out the email I wrote to an old friend two years ago about that solstice past, although the moment has never lost its vividness for me. I’d forgotten how that year I was feeling strangely detached from Christmas, and after describing that to him, I wrote:
but last night i took a gorgeous walk downtown in the snowstorm to see a french film (“un secret”) and ended up having a private showing. the 20-minute walk was fun, with almost no cars on the roads and a few other intrepid souls out on foot (and snowshoe; had i my x-country skis with me, i’d have skied to the movie). and when i got to the street where the theater is, i was greeted with the most strikingly lovely sight. the streetlights cast a soft bluish-greyish light on everything in the swirling snow, the christmas wreaths with their tiny tree lights shining a yellow-white light in contrast, and the pattern repeating all the way down the street as far as the dark and snow allowed me to see. there was not a car in sight in what is normally a crowded shopping district, with snowbanks on either side stretching down and the wind at my back blowing the tiny flakes on the ground in a pattern more like water… a river current in grey-blue and black shifting and dancing at my feet in a spot i’ve seen hundreds of times, now suddenly rendered totally alien, completely foreign and new and beautiful. it was utterly arresting. i could have stood there for a very long time (or until i got cold) just watching the swirls and gazing at the repeating lights and feeling very alive and invigorated and completely at peace; alone but very present and connected. i almost think i *needed* to stay there a bit longer and let it all sink in a little deeper, become a little more still. but i wasn’t sure what time it was and didn’t want to miss the start of the movie.
and so i broke the spell and moved on.
The funny thing is, I had completely forgotten that day was the solstice until I had that moment and began walking again. I had no expectation for what the day should hold. I guess the trick isn’t so much working to find ‘it’ as allowing ‘it’ to find you — and then noticing. So curious that such a simple thing can be such a challenge so often.
Susyc: Re. Symptoms of Inner Peace.
omg, i think I have some of the symptoms. Please DNC (do not cure) and let’s make the Inner Peace Virus go viral.
😉
Thanks a lot for sharing. It’s really precious!
startrek/don — i hope you are finally finding some peace and healing for your situation, whatever it may be.
thank you for your kind words and the reminder of the aussie experience! we can really only be who we are, where we are at any given moment & i’d love to see a regular feature from someone “down under” when it comes to the seasons and astrology. obviously we resonate most strongly with that which mirrors our own experience, but the window in could be useful.
Beautiful reminder about just ‘being’ Amanda! Thank you. Here’s something I ran across this season at a winter solstice poetry reading. Hope you enjoy it.
SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
by Saskia Davis
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many already have been exposed; and it is possible that people, everywhere, could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what, up to now, has been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Signs & Symptoms of Inner Peace
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
A loss of interest in judging other people
A loss of interest in judging self
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
A loss of interest in conflict
A loss of ability to worry
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation
Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature
Frequent attacks of smiling
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen
An increased susceptibility to love extended by others and the uncontrollable urge to extend it
WARNING
If you have some or all of the above symptoms, be advised that your condition of inner peace may be too far advanced to be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.
Thank you Amanda,
I dont drop in much due to a diffuicult time personally in the last few months here down under Australia.
Your words are always an inspiration and healing.
Also to remind those up there we experenced our longest day and shortest night, light at 4am, a time of awakening and expressing outward after our hibernation, very much reverse energies.
Don downunder.
oh half, how humbling! and to think i went ahead and posted it in the wee hours of the night because i wasn’t sure i’d still like it enough in the morning. for real.
Tremendous piece, Amanda! Absolutely stunning photograph – such earthy texture and hue..
I love the straightforward honesty and self-disclosure. Bravo you – delightful, magical..
Talent!
HdW 🙂
Thanks for the post, Amanda. I can relate. I spent the solstice in bed with the flu fretting about my to-do list, until I decided it was okay not to tick every box. Sometimes the universe needs to bop me on the head — I just need to pay attention.
Happy holidays.
Thank you for your healing thoughts, so well expressed. Thank you also for the wonderful photograph of the luminaria.
thank you eris, sarah and shebear. i have a feeling there are a lot of us out there with the same struggle.
this morning i decided my word for the day was ‘flow’. i lit a candle, wrote a few things on a piece of paper i want to release, a few things i want to allow and embrace, burned it all in the flame and set ‘flow’ as my conscious intention for a breathing exercise i have not done in far far too long; in part in response to some things i am decidedly struggling to flow with.
it feels good.
I’m with you Sarah. When I consciously choose to trust myself, and let the experience go deep within, it changed everything.
Thank you for sharing this lovely memory with us Amanda, along with the captivating solstice photo. I’m imagining the magical tableau from two years ago, right alongside you; the hue of the light cast by the streetlights, the swirling rivers of snow. You captured it so beautifully.
I relate to that struggle you speak of, wondering if you’re “getting” the essence of the experience the way you think you *should* be. Thank you for being so open and sharing those fears. I struggle daily myself with letting spirit *guide* me and learning how to receive it, as opposed to thinking about what I should be experiencing — oh, there’s that *should* word again. 😉
I think it takes a ton of practice to undo our conditionings and exercise the spirit muscle.
Amanda, I wanted to say thank you for writing this. It is beautiful.
And I relate deeply to the fear of missing an opportunity presented by a big astrological event – of not being ready or able to harness what it is offering. Of not measuring up to what it asks of me, or – worse – not even recognising what it asks. I feel cosmically disorganised. 🙂 Especially now, when so much seems to hang on making the right decision in any given moment.
“Trust.” That’s what comes to me. Trust that the control freak within doesn’t always know what’s going on … and that that isn’t always a bad thing either. The notion of trusting is the only thing that seems consistent. Everything else fades in and out.
— S
Amanda,
So vivid in detail….thank you, you would think I was walking beside you! Lovely, quiet year of reflection and honor in a time where it is hard to find. I appreciate your writing.
Happy Solstice:}
Patricia