The word “choice” appears frequently in debates about sexuality, as if our desires can exist only on the extreme ends of a continuum between purely biological inborn traits and frivolous choices. We believe this absolutist notion of biology vs. choice is a false dichotomy, and that the origins of our sexuality — like so many other things we consider an intrinsic part of who we are — need not be reduced to the purely biological in order to be given respect and validation. Regardless of how our sexual identities are constructed — whatever combination of “nature” and “nurture” might be responsible for forming our unique combinations of desires and preferences — we can think of our behavior in terms of active consent.
— Angi Becker Stevens and Alex Upham
Critique of Pure Relationships: On Consent and Compulsory Monogamy
2 thoughts on “Worth repeating”
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Carrie, I think the authors are talking about existential needs, not petty ones.
Very interesting article. It also said, “If we happen to love someone who meets some of our needs but not others, compulsory monogamy offers only two options: either end that relationship in the hope of finding a different partner who is a “better” match, or resign ourselves to having some of our needs or desires unmet.”
I would posit something that never seems to be said in these kinds of discussions. Why do we always think human beings benefit best when they get ALL their desires met? Desires are not needs and that distinction seems to cause a LOT of grief in relationships. During childhood, one of the socializing lessons we learn is that we can’t have everything we want in life; sometimes other people’s needs override our wants and sometimes not getting everything we want helps us build patience, perserverance, and strong character. One of the distinctions between adults and kids is that adults understand that we can’t always get what we want. Restrictions (Saturn) are part of the balance that is life. This applies to our desires, sexual, emotional, or otherwise.
The ideology that we should be able to fulfil every desire is so much a part of that “ME generation” aspect and it has done a lot of damage in our society. I wish people would think of how the fulfillment of their desires affects others. There needs to be a balance between Me and We.